Read Online No Phule Like An Old Phule by Robert & Heck Asprin - Free Book Online
Authors: Robert & Heck Asprin
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Space Legion.”
“No goofing!” said Zigger. “That’s where I’m bound, as well. I guess we’re going to be comrades in arms. What’s your name?”
“Well, they say that legionnaires don’t tell anybody their real names,” said the human. “They only go by their Legion names. The only problem is, I haven’t decided on mine yet. Have you got one picked out?”
“Sure,” said Zigger. He’d been thinking about his Legion name ever since his first decision to enlist. He’d looked into several books about Old Earth, hunting for something with just the right feeling. The answer, when he’d found it, seemed just right. “You can call me ‘Thumper,’ ” he said.
“Thumper. That’s pretty sly,” said the human. He wrinkled his brow, then confided. “I’ve been thinking about calling myself ‘Sharley’ -you think that fits?” Zigger looked the human up and down, then nodded.
“It’s you,” he said, not quite sure what made him say so.
But it was obviously the right thing to say. “All right!” said Sharley. “Thumper, you and me gotta stick together. They say the Legion drill sergeants eat recruits for breakfast. Between the two of us, I bet we can keep each other one step ahead of the game. Is it a deal?“
“Sure,” said Zigger-no, his name was Thumper now.
Thumper grinned, and said, “I’ve got a whole bunch of Poot-Poot tri-vees. Come sit next to me and we can watch ‘em while we figure out what we want to do now that we’re Legion buddies.”
“All right,” said Sharley again. “Look out, sergeants here we come!”
“Yo, Soosh, c’mere,” said Do-Wop, grinning evilly. “I got a swindle that can’t lose.”
“Right,” said Sushi, raising an eyebrow. He’d been listening to Do-Wop‘s harebrained schemes ever since Captain Jester had made the two of them partners. Almost without exception, he’d ended up having to talk Do-Wop out of his grandiose plans-most of which had some loophole big enough to drive a space liner through. “What’s the plan this time?”
“This one’s as solid as neutronium,” confided Do-Wop.
“You know how Chocolate Harry runs a big-ass poker game every time he wants some spare cash, which is like every couple-three days?”
“Sure,” said Sushi, leaning back on the fender of a cargo carrier. He folded his arms over his chest and looked Do-Wop in the eye. “Don’t tell me you’re going to fry to cheat the sarge at his own game. It’ll never work.”
“Nab, this is even sleener,” said Do-‘Wop. “I’m gonna get up my own game and swindle everybody else.”
“Not very likely,” said Sushi. “I know you. You lose every time you play poker with C. H., and every other time I’ve ever seen you play. What makes you think it’ll be any different just because you’re the one running the game?”
“Because I’ve been watching the sarge, and I finally figured out how he cheats,” said Do-Wop. “It’s so evil, I don’t know why I didn’t think of it myself.”
“Really?” Sushi was impressed in spite of himself. If Do-Wop had actually caught the Supply sergeant cheating, he’d done something that had defied the best efforts of the entire company for as long as anyone remembered. “How does he do it?”
“Scope this out,” said Do-Wop. He glanced around to make sure there were no eavesdroppers, and lowered his voice. In a dramatic whisper, he said, “The fat old snarkler drops out of a hand when he ain’t gonna got good cards.”
“What?” Sushi’s voice rose nearly an octave, and his mouth fell open in surprise.
“Shh, you want everybody to hear what it is?” said Do-Wop, peering around worriedly. “I tell ya, it’s a pure stroke of genius. Why, a dude could get rich overnight doin‘ that…”
“Do-Wop, that’s not cheating,” said Sushi. “It’s the way you’re supposed to play poker.”
“Oh, su-u-ure,” said Do- Wop, scornfully. “Go try that one out on Tusk-anini-it ain’t gonna fly
“No goofing!” said Zigger. “That’s where I’m bound, as well. I guess we’re going to be comrades in arms. What’s your name?”
“Well, they say that legionnaires don’t tell anybody their real names,” said the human. “They only go by their Legion names. The only problem is, I haven’t decided on mine yet. Have you got one picked out?”
“Sure,” said Zigger. He’d been thinking about his Legion name ever since his first decision to enlist. He’d looked into several books about Old Earth, hunting for something with just the right feeling. The answer, when he’d found it, seemed just right. “You can call me ‘Thumper,’ ” he said.
“Thumper. That’s pretty sly,” said the human. He wrinkled his brow, then confided. “I’ve been thinking about calling myself ‘Sharley’ -you think that fits?” Zigger looked the human up and down, then nodded.
“It’s you,” he said, not quite sure what made him say so.
But it was obviously the right thing to say. “All right!” said Sharley. “Thumper, you and me gotta stick together. They say the Legion drill sergeants eat recruits for breakfast. Between the two of us, I bet we can keep each other one step ahead of the game. Is it a deal?“
“Sure,” said Zigger-no, his name was Thumper now.
Thumper grinned, and said, “I’ve got a whole bunch of Poot-Poot tri-vees. Come sit next to me and we can watch ‘em while we figure out what we want to do now that we’re Legion buddies.”
“All right,” said Sharley again. “Look out, sergeants here we come!”
“Yo, Soosh, c’mere,” said Do-Wop, grinning evilly. “I got a swindle that can’t lose.”
“Right,” said Sushi, raising an eyebrow. He’d been listening to Do-Wop‘s harebrained schemes ever since Captain Jester had made the two of them partners. Almost without exception, he’d ended up having to talk Do-Wop out of his grandiose plans-most of which had some loophole big enough to drive a space liner through. “What’s the plan this time?”
“This one’s as solid as neutronium,” confided Do-Wop.
“You know how Chocolate Harry runs a big-ass poker game every time he wants some spare cash, which is like every couple-three days?”
“Sure,” said Sushi, leaning back on the fender of a cargo carrier. He folded his arms over his chest and looked Do-Wop in the eye. “Don’t tell me you’re going to fry to cheat the sarge at his own game. It’ll never work.”
“Nab, this is even sleener,” said Do-‘Wop. “I’m gonna get up my own game and swindle everybody else.”
“Not very likely,” said Sushi. “I know you. You lose every time you play poker with C. H., and every other time I’ve ever seen you play. What makes you think it’ll be any different just because you’re the one running the game?”
“Because I’ve been watching the sarge, and I finally figured out how he cheats,” said Do-Wop. “It’s so evil, I don’t know why I didn’t think of it myself.”
“Really?” Sushi was impressed in spite of himself. If Do-Wop had actually caught the Supply sergeant cheating, he’d done something that had defied the best efforts of the entire company for as long as anyone remembered. “How does he do it?”
“Scope this out,” said Do-Wop. He glanced around to make sure there were no eavesdroppers, and lowered his voice. In a dramatic whisper, he said, “The fat old snarkler drops out of a hand when he ain’t gonna got good cards.”
“What?” Sushi’s voice rose nearly an octave, and his mouth fell open in surprise.
“Shh, you want everybody to hear what it is?” said Do-Wop, peering around worriedly. “I tell ya, it’s a pure stroke of genius. Why, a dude could get rich overnight doin‘ that…”
“Do-Wop, that’s not cheating,” said Sushi. “It’s the way you’re supposed to play poker.”
“Oh, su-u-ure,” said Do- Wop, scornfully. “Go try that one out on Tusk-anini-it ain’t gonna fly
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