Read Online No Phule Like An Old Phule by Robert & Heck Asprin - Free Book Online Page B
Authors: Robert & Heck Asprin
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son’s personnel department hadn’t been completely asleep when it put her on the job. “The most popular attraction in almost all casinos is the slot machines,” said Marti, leading Victor Phule into a large bay filled with customers happily pumping tokens into an array of quantum slots. “One of the leading points of our ad campaign has been: Captain Jester’s decision to make the Fat Chance Casino’s slot machine payouts the highest on Landoor…”
“I wish you wouldn’t call my son by that stupid Legion name,” growled Victor Phule. “What exactly is the payout percentage on these machines, and why did my idiot son have to go raise it? That sounds like it’d cut into profits.”
Marti moved closer to Victor Phule, and said in a low voice, “You probably don’t want to talk about that in front of all these players, Mr. Phule. The fact is, even after your son shaved off one percent of the casino’s percentage on the slots, it’s still by far the most profitable of all the games we offer. No matter how big the jackpots are, on the whole, we’re taking in a steady twenty percent of every dollar played.”
Just then a bell began ringing, accompanied by bright flashing lights and a honking Klaxon. “Yes-s-s-s!” shouted an enthusiastic voice, and along the ranks of avid quantum slots players, many (but far from all) heads turned to see what had set off the noise, which now included an electronically amplified victory march. “There’s one now,” said Marti. “The bells and lights mean it’s at least-a thousand dollars. We want to make sure everybody knows when there’s a big winner.”
Victor Phule was incredulous. “You’re giving away a thousand dollars?”
“Of course,” said Marti. She managed somehow to whisper out of the comer of her mouth without losing her bright smile. “The players have to believe that they have a chance to win-and win big-if they’re going to come here instead of one of the other casinos. On any given play, a player has a chance to win a jackpot of a hundred, a thousand, even ten thousand dollars-and when one of them does hit a jackpot, we give them the bells and lights so nobody can forget they have that chance.”
Victor Phule’s expression was skeptical. “To tell you the truth, I’ve never understood why anybody would bet on anything but a sure winner,” he said. “And when you’re giving somebody a chance to take away a thousand dollars—or more, if what you say is right-then the casino is betting on a losing proposition. On top of that, we give them free drinks and free food, and entertainment at a bargain price, as well. Why aren’t we charging a competitive price for that, when we’re giving away money hand over fist in the casinos?”
Marti’s voice dropped even lower. “Because for every big jackpot, there are hundreds of losing bets, and that’s the foundation of the business. Every single day of the year, as inevitably as taxes, the casino takes in many times what even the luckiest player can expect to win.. Over the long run, the casino comes out solidly in the black.”
“Solidly in the black is all right,” said Victor Phule. “But I got my MBA at Rakeitin School of Business, and they taught us that any businessman worth his salt aims to maximize profits. I’ve built my arms business into the biggest in the galaxy by following that principle, and I can’t see why it doesn’t apply to this so-called business, as well.”
“You saw the books, Mr. Phule,” said Marti, shrugging.
Even now, the smile never left her face. “If you don’t want to believe what you saw, there’s not much I can do to change your mind. The odds are stacked in the house’s favor, and always will be.”
Phule frowned. “There’s a loophole somewhere,” he said. “If the odds are so heavily stacked, none of these people would keep coming back to play. Yet I’ve already heard several of them say they’re back for a fourth or fifth visit. There
“I wish you wouldn’t call my son by that stupid Legion name,” growled Victor Phule. “What exactly is the payout percentage on these machines, and why did my idiot son have to go raise it? That sounds like it’d cut into profits.”
Marti moved closer to Victor Phule, and said in a low voice, “You probably don’t want to talk about that in front of all these players, Mr. Phule. The fact is, even after your son shaved off one percent of the casino’s percentage on the slots, it’s still by far the most profitable of all the games we offer. No matter how big the jackpots are, on the whole, we’re taking in a steady twenty percent of every dollar played.”
Just then a bell began ringing, accompanied by bright flashing lights and a honking Klaxon. “Yes-s-s-s!” shouted an enthusiastic voice, and along the ranks of avid quantum slots players, many (but far from all) heads turned to see what had set off the noise, which now included an electronically amplified victory march. “There’s one now,” said Marti. “The bells and lights mean it’s at least-a thousand dollars. We want to make sure everybody knows when there’s a big winner.”
Victor Phule was incredulous. “You’re giving away a thousand dollars?”
“Of course,” said Marti. She managed somehow to whisper out of the comer of her mouth without losing her bright smile. “The players have to believe that they have a chance to win-and win big-if they’re going to come here instead of one of the other casinos. On any given play, a player has a chance to win a jackpot of a hundred, a thousand, even ten thousand dollars-and when one of them does hit a jackpot, we give them the bells and lights so nobody can forget they have that chance.”
Victor Phule’s expression was skeptical. “To tell you the truth, I’ve never understood why anybody would bet on anything but a sure winner,” he said. “And when you’re giving somebody a chance to take away a thousand dollars—or more, if what you say is right-then the casino is betting on a losing proposition. On top of that, we give them free drinks and free food, and entertainment at a bargain price, as well. Why aren’t we charging a competitive price for that, when we’re giving away money hand over fist in the casinos?”
Marti’s voice dropped even lower. “Because for every big jackpot, there are hundreds of losing bets, and that’s the foundation of the business. Every single day of the year, as inevitably as taxes, the casino takes in many times what even the luckiest player can expect to win.. Over the long run, the casino comes out solidly in the black.”
“Solidly in the black is all right,” said Victor Phule. “But I got my MBA at Rakeitin School of Business, and they taught us that any businessman worth his salt aims to maximize profits. I’ve built my arms business into the biggest in the galaxy by following that principle, and I can’t see why it doesn’t apply to this so-called business, as well.”
“You saw the books, Mr. Phule,” said Marti, shrugging.
Even now, the smile never left her face. “If you don’t want to believe what you saw, there’s not much I can do to change your mind. The odds are stacked in the house’s favor, and always will be.”
Phule frowned. “There’s a loophole somewhere,” he said. “If the odds are so heavily stacked, none of these people would keep coming back to play. Yet I’ve already heard several of them say they’re back for a fourth or fifth visit. There
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