lashedthename
“Grant.”Rushpressedsomebuttonandthenpickeduphiscellphone.
“Hey,”hesaidintothephone.Ichancedaglanceoverathimsincehisfocuswasnolonger onme.Thehardfrownlinesinhisfacemademesad.Ididn’twantthemthere.
“Yeah.We’reonourway,”herepliedintothephone.“Don’tthinkthat’sagoodidea.I’llcall youwhenI’mback.”HisjawclenchedandIknewwhateverGrantwassayingwasmakinghim
mad.“Isaidno,”hegrowledandendedthecallbeforetossingitintohiscupholder.
“Youokay?”IaskedbeforeIcouldthinkthatthrough.
Hejerkedhisheadovertolookatme.ItwasasifhewasstartledthatIwastalkingtohim.
“Uh,yeah.I’mfine,”herepliedinamuchcalmertonethenturnedhiseyesbackontheroad.
I waited a few minutes then decided to say something about what he’d said to me. If I didn’tstarttalkingaboutthiswithhimwewouldalwayshavethisawkwardsilencebetween us.EvenifIleftinfourmonthsandneversawhimagain…No,I’dseehimagain.Iwouldhave to,wouldn’tI?CouldIreallynevertellhimaboutthisbaby?Ipushedthatback.Ihadn’teven beentothedoctoryet.I’dcrossthatbridgewhenwegottoit.EvenifIhadthrownupagain thismorningwhenI’dopenedthetrashcompactorandgottenawhiffoftheleftoverfried ish Jacehadtossedlastnight.Iwasn’tnormallysosensitive.ThehotgingerteaI’dbeendrinking whenRushpickedmeuphadhelped ease my stomach. I could pretend like that pregnancy testwaswrongorfacethetruth.
“Aboutwhatyousaid.I,uh,Idon’treallyknowhowtorespondtothat.Imean,IknowhowI feelandhowIwishthingsweredifferentbuttheyaren’t.Iwantusto…Iwantusto indaway tobefriends…maybe.Idon’tknow.Thatsoundssolame.Aftereverything,”Istoppedbecause myattemptattalkingtohimaboutthiswassoundinglikearamblingmess.Howcouldwebe friends?ThathadbeenhowallthisstartedandhereIwasinlovewithandpregnantbyamanI couldnotbuildafuturewith.
“I’llbewhateveryouallowmetobe,Blaire.Justdon’tshutmeoutagain.Please.”
Inodded.Okay.I’dgivethisfriendsthingtime.Then…thenIwouldtellhimaboutthebaby.
Hewaseithergoingtorunlikehellorwanttobeapartofourbaby’slife.EitherwayIneeded timetoprepare.BecauseIwouldnotletmychildhaveanythingtodowithhisfamily,ever.It wasoutofthequestion.Ihatedliars…butIwasabouttobecomeoneforawhile.Thistimeit wasmethathadasecrettokeep.
“Okay,”Irepliedbutdidn’tsaymore.Myeyesweregrowingheavyandthelackofsleep
fromlastnightandthefactIcouldn’tdrinkcaffeinetowakemeupwasgettingtome.Iclosed myeyes.
“Easy,sweetBlaire.Yourheadisfallingoverandyou’regonnahaveonehelluvacrampin
yourneck.I’mjustlayingyourseatback.”AdeepwarmwhispertickledmyearandIshivered.
I turned toward it but I was still so sleepy I couldn’t wake up completely. Something soft brushedmylipsthenIfellbackintomydreams.
“Youneedtowakeup,sleepyhead.I’mherebutIhavenoideawheretogo,”Rush’svoice
accompaniedbyhishandgentlysqueezingmyarmwokeme.Irubbedmyeyesandopened
them.Iwaslayingback.IlookedoveratRushandhesmiled.
“Icouldn’tletyoujackupyourneck.Besides,youweresleepingsohardIwantedyoutobe comfortable.”Heunbuckledandreachedacrossmeto iddlewithabuttononthesideofmy seat.ItslowlyeasedbackupandIcouldseetheonetraf iclightinSumit,Alabamainfrontof me.
“I’msosorry.Isleptthewholeway.Thathadtobeaboringride.”
“Igottocontroltheradiosoitwasn’tabust,”Rushrepliedwithasmirkandthenlooked backatthetrafficlight.“WheredoIgofromhere?”
“Straightuntilyouseethelargewoodensignthatispaintedredandsays“FreshProduce
andFirewoodforSale”andthentakealeft.It’llbethethirdhouseontherightbutit’sabouta mileandahalfdownthatroad.Theroadwillturnintogravelafteraboutaquartermile.”
Rushfollowedmydirectionsandwedidn’tsaymuch.Iwasstillwakingupandmystomach
wasfeelingqueasy.Ihadn’teatenyetandIknewthatwastheproblem.Ihadsaltinecrackers inmypursethatBethyhadgivenmebutpoppingoneofthoseinmymouthinfrontofRush
wasabadidea.Saltineswereamajorgiveaway.
BythetimewepulledintoGrannyQ’sdrivewayIhadbrokenintoacoldsweat.Iwasgoing
“Grant.”Rushpressedsomebuttonandthenpickeduphiscellphone.
“Hey,”hesaidintothephone.Ichancedaglanceoverathimsincehisfocuswasnolonger onme.Thehardfrownlinesinhisfacemademesad.Ididn’twantthemthere.
“Yeah.We’reonourway,”herepliedintothephone.“Don’tthinkthat’sagoodidea.I’llcall youwhenI’mback.”HisjawclenchedandIknewwhateverGrantwassayingwasmakinghim
mad.“Isaidno,”hegrowledandendedthecallbeforetossingitintohiscupholder.
“Youokay?”IaskedbeforeIcouldthinkthatthrough.
Hejerkedhisheadovertolookatme.ItwasasifhewasstartledthatIwastalkingtohim.
“Uh,yeah.I’mfine,”herepliedinamuchcalmertonethenturnedhiseyesbackontheroad.
I waited a few minutes then decided to say something about what he’d said to me. If I didn’tstarttalkingaboutthiswithhimwewouldalwayshavethisawkwardsilencebetween us.EvenifIleftinfourmonthsandneversawhimagain…No,I’dseehimagain.Iwouldhave to,wouldn’tI?CouldIreallynevertellhimaboutthisbaby?Ipushedthatback.Ihadn’teven beentothedoctoryet.I’dcrossthatbridgewhenwegottoit.EvenifIhadthrownupagain thismorningwhenI’dopenedthetrashcompactorandgottenawhiffoftheleftoverfried ish Jacehadtossedlastnight.Iwasn’tnormallysosensitive.ThehotgingerteaI’dbeendrinking whenRushpickedmeuphadhelped ease my stomach. I could pretend like that pregnancy testwaswrongorfacethetruth.
“Aboutwhatyousaid.I,uh,Idon’treallyknowhowtorespondtothat.Imean,IknowhowI feelandhowIwishthingsweredifferentbuttheyaren’t.Iwantusto…Iwantusto indaway tobefriends…maybe.Idon’tknow.Thatsoundssolame.Aftereverything,”Istoppedbecause myattemptattalkingtohimaboutthiswassoundinglikearamblingmess.Howcouldwebe friends?ThathadbeenhowallthisstartedandhereIwasinlovewithandpregnantbyamanI couldnotbuildafuturewith.
“I’llbewhateveryouallowmetobe,Blaire.Justdon’tshutmeoutagain.Please.”
Inodded.Okay.I’dgivethisfriendsthingtime.Then…thenIwouldtellhimaboutthebaby.
Hewaseithergoingtorunlikehellorwanttobeapartofourbaby’slife.EitherwayIneeded timetoprepare.BecauseIwouldnotletmychildhaveanythingtodowithhisfamily,ever.It wasoutofthequestion.Ihatedliars…butIwasabouttobecomeoneforawhile.Thistimeit wasmethathadasecrettokeep.
“Okay,”Irepliedbutdidn’tsaymore.Myeyesweregrowingheavyandthelackofsleep
fromlastnightandthefactIcouldn’tdrinkcaffeinetowakemeupwasgettingtome.Iclosed myeyes.
“Easy,sweetBlaire.Yourheadisfallingoverandyou’regonnahaveonehelluvacrampin
yourneck.I’mjustlayingyourseatback.”AdeepwarmwhispertickledmyearandIshivered.
I turned toward it but I was still so sleepy I couldn’t wake up completely. Something soft brushedmylipsthenIfellbackintomydreams.
“Youneedtowakeup,sleepyhead.I’mherebutIhavenoideawheretogo,”Rush’svoice
accompaniedbyhishandgentlysqueezingmyarmwokeme.Irubbedmyeyesandopened
them.Iwaslayingback.IlookedoveratRushandhesmiled.
“Icouldn’tletyoujackupyourneck.Besides,youweresleepingsohardIwantedyoutobe comfortable.”Heunbuckledandreachedacrossmeto iddlewithabuttononthesideofmy seat.ItslowlyeasedbackupandIcouldseetheonetraf iclightinSumit,Alabamainfrontof me.
“I’msosorry.Isleptthewholeway.Thathadtobeaboringride.”
“Igottocontroltheradiosoitwasn’tabust,”Rushrepliedwithasmirkandthenlooked backatthetrafficlight.“WheredoIgofromhere?”
“Straightuntilyouseethelargewoodensignthatispaintedredandsays“FreshProduce
andFirewoodforSale”andthentakealeft.It’llbethethirdhouseontherightbutit’sabouta mileandahalfdownthatroad.Theroadwillturnintogravelafteraboutaquartermile.”
Rushfollowedmydirectionsandwedidn’tsaymuch.Iwasstillwakingupandmystomach
wasfeelingqueasy.Ihadn’teatenyetandIknewthatwastheproblem.Ihadsaltinecrackers inmypursethatBethyhadgivenmebutpoppingoneofthoseinmymouthinfrontofRush
wasabadidea.Saltineswereamajorgiveaway.
BythetimewepulledintoGrannyQ’sdrivewayIhadbrokenintoacoldsweat.Iwasgoing
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