Read Online Never Enough by Ashley Johnson - Free Book Online Page A

would like forgiveness but I understand if you can't give that to me just yet."
    There was silence for a minute and then shakily, I laid the phone down on the bed and buried my head in my hands and cried. These were tears that couldn’t be contained no matter how strong I wanted or tried to be. They always found a way out. This couldn’t be happening. I wasn’t reliving any of this in front of freaking Trevor. Maybe I fell asleep again, but I knew I was wide awake. I felt an arm cautiously reach around me and pull me closer and I suddenly remembered that Trevor was in the room. Mortified, I prayed he wasn't able to hear anything on the other end of the phone. I lifted my head and looked at him with a tear stained face and offered a tiny smile as a thank you and then reached for my phone.
    "Macy, are you there?"
    I sobbed out, "Yes, sorry about that." Trying to contain my tears was much harder than I thought. Suddenly I was thankful for waterproof mascara. "You already told Gary?"
    "Yes. He told me not to force myself back into your life because you are still hurt and I promise I won't. Not until you are ready."
    "Ok." Just when I thought my emotions had stabilized I began sobbing into the phone. There were so many questions that needed to be answered for my sake. "Mom, why didn't you believe me sooner? Things could have been so much better for me, for you. I wanted to kill him sometimes. Why..why.." I had so much hatred locked away inside from all this. So much hatred for her, hatred for him, hatred in general towards anyone. Why did she think she could just come back into my life and say she left him? Was I supposed to forgive and forget? Was it that easy?
    "Baby girl, I'm so sorry." There were tears on both ends of the phone and I suddenly wished she were there in person so I could hug her. My defenses began to fall, after all she was my mom. No matter how mad I got or how screwed up it was, at the end of the day she is my Mom. "I just wanted to tell you that. I won't keep you but please call more often. I love you so much Macy. Can I ask you something please though before we hang up? I need to know."
    "I love you to o Mom, thank you. What is it?"
    “Did he ever actually...”she began sobbing and I knew what she was getting ready to ask. It’d been hidden for years and everything was about to spill out at once and she actually believed me? I tried to be brave and quit crying but I couldn’t. The tears were still steadily streaming. All the memories flooded back and it made me sick to my stomach. Memories I’d always prayed would stay low and never come back up. Memories I never wanted to relive as long as I walked this earth. “Macy, are..you..a..v-virgin?”
    I sat there terrified afraid to answer the question. I’d blocked this for so long and I really didn’t care to bring all this back. Trevor gave me a concerned look and touched my arm. I let him because I was scared he’d never want to touch me again if he ever fully understood what this conversation was. I drew in a deep breath , clenched my chest with my free arm then whispered, “No.”
    Mom began frantically screaming and I couldn’t make out a single word she said. I tried to listen and squeeze in a word or two to let her know that even though that asshole had stolen my innocence I had made myself ok , that I was stronger than ever before. Yes I had my bad days, but the good days outnumbered the bad. That’s what I wanted to tell her. After a minute or so, I had to place the phone down because the reality of it all was continuing to sink back in and I sobbed uncontrollably. Trevor pulled me back into a hug and I cried on his shoulder. I wanted Halley in here with me seeing as how she already knew everything but I didn’t want Trevor to feel he wasn’t good enough. Frankly, I was surprised she hadn’t barged her way inside yet. I could still hear Mom screaming even though I wasn’t holding the phone. Literally, it felt as though time had stopped.