Read Online My Point...And I Do Have One by Ellen Degeneres - Free Book Online

communicate complex ideas simply, I think all parents dread the old “How are babies made” question. I know my parents had a problem explaining this to me.
    “Mommy, Daddy—how are babies made?”
    “Well, Ellen honey, there’s an egg.”
    “Like a chicken egg?”
    “No, smaller.”
    “Like a robin’s egg?”
    “No, much smaller—it’s very small. And Daddy gives Mommy … Well, there’s a Papa Bear and a Mama Bear and the Mama Bear has the baby in her tummy—”
    “So I grew in a bear’s stomach?”
    “No, but if you were a bear you would’ve.”
    “But I’m not a bear?”
    “No, you’re a little girl.”
    “So, where did I grow?”
    “In Mommy’s tummy.”
    “How did I get there?”
    “Daddy gave her special sauce.”
    “Like McDonald’s?”
    “Who knows? Maybe.”
    “How did he give it to her? In a hamburger?”
    “Okay. Yes.”
    “I like hamburgers. Good night.”
    “Good night, sleep tight.”
    I know that I could do a much better job answering that question than my parents. Other people sense this, too. In fact, hardly a day goes by when somebody doesn’t ask me, “Ellen, how can I explain sex to my children?” Unfortunately, it’s always the same person who is asking me that question. He’s the man who runs the cheese shop I go to—Cheeses ’N’ Things it’s called (I’ve always been afraid to ask what the ’N’ Things are). Anyway, this man’s only child works in the store with him, is in his mid-twenties, and from the way he handles a sharp cheddar, can probably explain more about sex to his father than vice versa.
    Whatever the case, I’m sure there are many other reasonably sane people who are troubled by this problem. And the more children there are (and I’m not sure wherethese children are coming from), the more explaining about sex there is to be done.
    By sex I mean, of course … sex. You know what I’m saying. There are many different types of sex, but for the purpose of this explanation I’m just talking about … you know, sex. In other words, you might have two consenting adults, a coconut, a pound of confetti, and a very thirsty yak. What they do may be very beautiful and spiritual and fulfilling, but it’s not necessarily something you’d care to explain to a child. Okay, I think we’ve defined our terms, so let’s get on with the explanation.
    If you’re nervous about explaining sex to a child, a good technique is to imagine that the child is not a child but is instead an alien from another planet. If it makes it easier for you, paint the child green and put a fake eye on its forehead. When the child asks you about sex, you can then say, “That sounds like English, but it’s probably some weird alien language I’ll never be able to understand. You’re probably asking me to take you to my leader.”
    So you take the child to Washington, D.C. and insist that the President meet with the child. Then the President can explain sex to the child. I mean, what else has the President got to do? On second thought, this might not be such a great technique.
    Okay then, what you’ve got to do is just explain sex simply and to the point. You just say, “When you get older you’re going to meet somebody that you really, really, really like. Well, if you’re lucky you’re going to like that person. Maybe you don’t even like ’em a lot, but at least they don’t bug you too much. Or, okay, it’s, let’s say, closing time at the bar—it’s really late and you’ve been knocking down quite a few Rusty Nails. And you know how the lighting is at those bars. I mean, everybody looks good. But then the next morning you look at the person next to you, and you’re like, ‘Argghhhh! Help me!’ ”
    Maybe it’s better to be a bit more allegorical. Tell alittle story. You could say that there’s a Papa Bear and a Mama Bear. And the Mama Bear says, “Where is that Papa Bear? He hasn’t been home in a long time. He says he’s working late at the