Read Online My Point...And I Do Have One by Ellen Degeneres - Free Book Online Page B
Authors: Ellen Degeneres
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wear masks on Halloween. They usually dress up as agents, valet parkers, or second-unit directors instead.
Now, on with the recipe.
Ingredients
BREAD
“What kind of bread should I use?!” you might say, panicking a wee bit early. Well, there are many types of bread: wheat, rye, white, Italian, Swiss, Dopey, Doc, pumpernickel … Do you know if you took every type of bread there is and laid them end to end—and I’m not counting crackers—well … Sorry, I’m not exactly sure of the point I’m trying to make. Maybe, just that it would go really really really far.
In the 1960s, bread was slang for money, as in “Hey, man, gimme some bread so I can buy a psychedelic headband.” I don’t know why that was. Maybe it’s because in the 1940s, dough was slang for money, as in “Excuse me, Mister, can I borrow some dough so that I may purchase a spiffy fedora.” One theory is that dough rose and eventually became bread. My point being that you shouldn’t put money into this recipe.
EGGS
How did people ever figure out that eggs were edible? Did they see something come out of a chicken and think, “Boy, I bet that would be tasty?” There had to be a first person who ever ate an egg. I’m sure it wasn’t pleasant. In fact, there are pictures in a cave in the south of Franceshowing a Neanderthal crunching into an egg and getting a big mouthful of egg shells; to the side there are other Neanderthals pointing at him and laughing. But who got the last laugh? I don’t really know, I wasn’t there. Also, this might not be true. It’s possible it’s just a dream I had one night after eating a bad clam.
People probably started eating some foods because they saw other animals eating them first. For instance, somebody saw a pig digging up truffles and eating them and said, “Say, that pig must know what he’s doing. Otherwise he wouldn’t be a pig. Hey, I can talk. Listen, everybody, I’ve invented language.”
There had to be a first person who ate beets. Why why why didn’t that person tell everybody that it wasn’t worth the bother? To this day, people are still eating huge forkfuls of beets and asking God in Heaven how anybody decided that this could be food. Or, maybe that’s just me.
SQUID
Actually there is no squid in this recipe. I was just thinking about them. I wonder what happened during their evolution to allow them to shoot out ink behind them. Some people think they developed this talent to avoid predators. But maybe it’s just a neat magic trick: the squid squirting out the ink and when the ink disperses, the squid is gone. He’s like the David Copperfield of the ocean. I’m not saying that a squid is married to a supermodel like Claudia Schiffer, but I’m not saying that he isn’t, either.
BUTTER
If you have a moral or health reason for not using butter, then you can substitute some other lubricant, such as margarine, oil, or Vaseline. In a pinch you can rub a peanut really hard and fast over your pan. I’ve never triedthis, but it’s possible that you could squeeze out a drop or two of oil.
I probably should have mentioned earlier that you are going to need a …
PAN
You probably are also going to need a …
KITCHEN
I suppose you could cook the French toast over a heat source not found in a kitchen. You could try the cable box over your TV, but that doesn’t give off much heat. It might take a year or two to cook the Real Frenchy French Toast properly. The same holds true for a candle. You’d need seventy or eighty candles to do the job right. You’d have to wait for your Uncle Hank’s birthday party and cook over his cake. But, if you’re doing this, you’re just being obstinate. Go to the kitchen, use the stove, and stop being such a big baby.
SALT AND PEPPER (TO TASTE)
If you can’t taste it, then it ain’t salt and pepper! That’s an old cooking joke. For the life of me, I’ve never been able to figure out what it meant.
VANILLA
If you don’t have
Now, on with the recipe.
Ingredients
BREAD
“What kind of bread should I use?!” you might say, panicking a wee bit early. Well, there are many types of bread: wheat, rye, white, Italian, Swiss, Dopey, Doc, pumpernickel … Do you know if you took every type of bread there is and laid them end to end—and I’m not counting crackers—well … Sorry, I’m not exactly sure of the point I’m trying to make. Maybe, just that it would go really really really far.
In the 1960s, bread was slang for money, as in “Hey, man, gimme some bread so I can buy a psychedelic headband.” I don’t know why that was. Maybe it’s because in the 1940s, dough was slang for money, as in “Excuse me, Mister, can I borrow some dough so that I may purchase a spiffy fedora.” One theory is that dough rose and eventually became bread. My point being that you shouldn’t put money into this recipe.
EGGS
How did people ever figure out that eggs were edible? Did they see something come out of a chicken and think, “Boy, I bet that would be tasty?” There had to be a first person who ever ate an egg. I’m sure it wasn’t pleasant. In fact, there are pictures in a cave in the south of Franceshowing a Neanderthal crunching into an egg and getting a big mouthful of egg shells; to the side there are other Neanderthals pointing at him and laughing. But who got the last laugh? I don’t really know, I wasn’t there. Also, this might not be true. It’s possible it’s just a dream I had one night after eating a bad clam.
People probably started eating some foods because they saw other animals eating them first. For instance, somebody saw a pig digging up truffles and eating them and said, “Say, that pig must know what he’s doing. Otherwise he wouldn’t be a pig. Hey, I can talk. Listen, everybody, I’ve invented language.”
There had to be a first person who ate beets. Why why why didn’t that person tell everybody that it wasn’t worth the bother? To this day, people are still eating huge forkfuls of beets and asking God in Heaven how anybody decided that this could be food. Or, maybe that’s just me.
SQUID
Actually there is no squid in this recipe. I was just thinking about them. I wonder what happened during their evolution to allow them to shoot out ink behind them. Some people think they developed this talent to avoid predators. But maybe it’s just a neat magic trick: the squid squirting out the ink and when the ink disperses, the squid is gone. He’s like the David Copperfield of the ocean. I’m not saying that a squid is married to a supermodel like Claudia Schiffer, but I’m not saying that he isn’t, either.
BUTTER
If you have a moral or health reason for not using butter, then you can substitute some other lubricant, such as margarine, oil, or Vaseline. In a pinch you can rub a peanut really hard and fast over your pan. I’ve never triedthis, but it’s possible that you could squeeze out a drop or two of oil.
I probably should have mentioned earlier that you are going to need a …
PAN
You probably are also going to need a …
KITCHEN
I suppose you could cook the French toast over a heat source not found in a kitchen. You could try the cable box over your TV, but that doesn’t give off much heat. It might take a year or two to cook the Real Frenchy French Toast properly. The same holds true for a candle. You’d need seventy or eighty candles to do the job right. You’d have to wait for your Uncle Hank’s birthday party and cook over his cake. But, if you’re doing this, you’re just being obstinate. Go to the kitchen, use the stove, and stop being such a big baby.
SALT AND PEPPER (TO TASTE)
If you can’t taste it, then it ain’t salt and pepper! That’s an old cooking joke. For the life of me, I’ve never been able to figure out what it meant.
VANILLA
If you don’t have
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