calling the kettle black.
“Fine,
I checked up on you. We had just started dating and I was trying to
scope stuff out. What’s the big deal?”
“The
big deal is you were just playing stupid back there. Who is that?
Don’t play games with me.” His tone was harsh.
I
looked down at my shoes, “And you stay the hell out of my
computer history. It’s not your business what I search.”
“My
wife cheated on me. I have a habit of checking up on people I’m
in a relationship with. If you have nothing to hide, then we don’t
have a problem.”
It
stung a little, hearing his tone. This entire thing caught me off
guard. We’d never discussed his ex-wife before, and now we were
fighting about her.
“What
about trusting someone? Why should I be criminalized because somebody
else did something wrong, that’s not fair?” I said,
annoyed we were even having this conversation.
He
shook his head, “Look, I’ve got trust issues okay. Just
don’t play stupid with me.” His voice softened.
I
was torn in the moment. I felt violated that he’d searched my
computer’s history. It was obvious when he did it. He often got
up in the middle of the night, having trouble sleeping. And foolish
me, I never emptied my searches. Why would I? I thought of my
computer as mine, as private. I guess I didn’t realize he
didn’t. I didn’t know what I felt in this moment.
Betrayed for one, but embarrassed at being caught on the other hand.
Our
first fight, and there it was – a trust issue. We’d both
done something questionable, and hadn’t revealed it to the
other. It wasn’t tragic, but it felt horrible. The tension was
thick, and I just wanted it to pass. I knew with enough time, we’d
be okay, but it felt like today was a mess. I didn’t want to go
put on a happy face and party with my friends, laughing over lunch
like everything was fine, but that’s exactly what I would do.
While
it all spilled out, I wasn’t ready to reveal my strong
insecurity to him. That was the last thing I needed to do, come off
needy and pathetic. Yet, as usual I couldn’t stop myself from
talking. Things just come out.
“Do
you still love her? Do you think she’s prettier than me? Why
didn’t you tell me your ex was your ex-wife? It’s kind of
a big piece of information.”
He
turned and looked at me like I had two heads. “Do I still love
her? She fucked another guy while I was away at war. I fucking hate
her; she destroyed my ability to trust.” He had nothing else to
add.
I
sat silently as he drove. Staring out the window, I bit my tongue
before saying anything else. This was slowly turning into something
else in my mind, morphing into a moment of insecurity. The issue was
trust, but all I could see was a pretty girl he used to love. I hated
that I couldn’t let go of it. I knew it was my mind playing
with me, head games of the worst kind. They would pass eventually and
I’d get over it, forget what happened, but I was feeling rather
raw at the moment.
Austin
parked the car in front of the tavern, and turned to look at me. “Are
we good?” His tone was flat, and not his usual voice.
I
shrugged, “I guess.” I didn’t know what I thought,
but this entire conversation caught me off guard. I needed time to
process it before I let it go.
Taking
my hand, he lifted it up to his lips, kissing my fingertips. “Listen,
I probably over reacted, but seeing her set me off. It was a rough
time for me, and holds a lot of bad memories. When I needed somebody
to be there for me, someone I thought was being faithful, waiting for
me…well, some days it was all that pulled me through. I held
onto that, cherished it, and then I realized I was played for a fool
the entire time I was gone. Only, it wasn’t revealed right
away. She let me believe she’d been faithful. It didn’t
come out until later. I felt like an asshole when it was all
revealed. Every time I think of her, see her, or anything to do with
her, it sets me into turmoil.
“Fine,
I checked up on you. We had just started dating and I was trying to
scope stuff out. What’s the big deal?”
“The
big deal is you were just playing stupid back there. Who is that?
Don’t play games with me.” His tone was harsh.
I
looked down at my shoes, “And you stay the hell out of my
computer history. It’s not your business what I search.”
“My
wife cheated on me. I have a habit of checking up on people I’m
in a relationship with. If you have nothing to hide, then we don’t
have a problem.”
It
stung a little, hearing his tone. This entire thing caught me off
guard. We’d never discussed his ex-wife before, and now we were
fighting about her.
“What
about trusting someone? Why should I be criminalized because somebody
else did something wrong, that’s not fair?” I said,
annoyed we were even having this conversation.
He
shook his head, “Look, I’ve got trust issues okay. Just
don’t play stupid with me.” His voice softened.
I
was torn in the moment. I felt violated that he’d searched my
computer’s history. It was obvious when he did it. He often got
up in the middle of the night, having trouble sleeping. And foolish
me, I never emptied my searches. Why would I? I thought of my
computer as mine, as private. I guess I didn’t realize he
didn’t. I didn’t know what I felt in this moment.
Betrayed for one, but embarrassed at being caught on the other hand.
Our
first fight, and there it was – a trust issue. We’d both
done something questionable, and hadn’t revealed it to the
other. It wasn’t tragic, but it felt horrible. The tension was
thick, and I just wanted it to pass. I knew with enough time, we’d
be okay, but it felt like today was a mess. I didn’t want to go
put on a happy face and party with my friends, laughing over lunch
like everything was fine, but that’s exactly what I would do.
While
it all spilled out, I wasn’t ready to reveal my strong
insecurity to him. That was the last thing I needed to do, come off
needy and pathetic. Yet, as usual I couldn’t stop myself from
talking. Things just come out.
“Do
you still love her? Do you think she’s prettier than me? Why
didn’t you tell me your ex was your ex-wife? It’s kind of
a big piece of information.”
He
turned and looked at me like I had two heads. “Do I still love
her? She fucked another guy while I was away at war. I fucking hate
her; she destroyed my ability to trust.” He had nothing else to
add.
I
sat silently as he drove. Staring out the window, I bit my tongue
before saying anything else. This was slowly turning into something
else in my mind, morphing into a moment of insecurity. The issue was
trust, but all I could see was a pretty girl he used to love. I hated
that I couldn’t let go of it. I knew it was my mind playing
with me, head games of the worst kind. They would pass eventually and
I’d get over it, forget what happened, but I was feeling rather
raw at the moment.
Austin
parked the car in front of the tavern, and turned to look at me. “Are
we good?” His tone was flat, and not his usual voice.
I
shrugged, “I guess.” I didn’t know what I thought,
but this entire conversation caught me off guard. I needed time to
process it before I let it go.
Taking
my hand, he lifted it up to his lips, kissing my fingertips. “Listen,
I probably over reacted, but seeing her set me off. It was a rough
time for me, and holds a lot of bad memories. When I needed somebody
to be there for me, someone I thought was being faithful, waiting for
me…well, some days it was all that pulled me through. I held
onto that, cherished it, and then I realized I was played for a fool
the entire time I was gone. Only, it wasn’t revealed right
away. She let me believe she’d been faithful. It didn’t
come out until later. I felt like an asshole when it was all
revealed. Every time I think of her, see her, or anything to do with
her, it sets me into turmoil.
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