More Confessions of a Hostie

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Authors: Danielle Hugh
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don’t work out all the time.
    Once, the flight Danny was working on was diverted because of an onboard emergency – a passenger had a heart attack and they had to land immediately. The aircraft was then stuck on the ground for several hours due to bad weather. Danny’s flight eventually landed mid-afternoon and he raced straight to the school to pick up his child and meet with the teacher. By this time, Danny had worked for twenty-two straight hours, without any sleep or breaks.
    Danny was beyond deliriously tired when he walked into his daughter’s school. He was a blithering idiot, as he put it himself. While the teacher was trying to have a serious conversation with him, and all he could do was look at one of the student’s paintings on the wall. The artwork of a tall building suddenly caught his attention, but it looked to him like a gigantic penis, and he couldn’t stop looking at it. The teacher noticed how distracted he was, and Danny tried to apologise for the way he was acting; however, he didn’t get that right either. Instead of saying ‘nice painting’ to the teacher, he said ‘nice penis’ and then walked away feeling stupid.
    Danny is one of the most thoughtful and intelligent people I know. If he turns into a mumbling fool with jetlag and tiredness, there is surely no hope for me. No, I don’t think I will catch up with Dean tonight. That’s not such a good idea, after all.
    After my mandatory four hours of sleeping-tablet induced sleep, I meet up with my best friend for coffee. Helen is extremely excited that she will be boarding a flight to Hawaii in several days. I have taken Helen on a few shorter trips, so she knows the procedures and the protocol. Those other trips were to what I call ‘shopping destinations’. In those places, we shopped and shopped till we dropped. Usually, Helen doesn’t really care about where she is going to as long as she gets some time away from her family for a few days. This time, however, Helen is more excited by the destination. Honolulu is a stunning place. Helen can’t wait to get there.
    Before I booked her ticket, I checked the passenger loads to see if we were OK. We were. And unless things change dramatically in the next few days, it looks as though the flight will have plenty of spare seats. I also looked up the crew list for the flight and found that Damien is coming along. Damien was on my last trip to Honolulu: ‘the flight to paradise that went via hell’. On that trip Damien was head-butted by a sumo-sized Polynesian man and suffered a broken nose. The giant had been cuffed and restrained – not an easy task for several policemen let alone a handful of hosties. But we did it. On that same flight, we had a young girl who mixed her alcohol and sleeping tablets, and then decided she was Lady Godiva, only without the horse.
    As Helen and I sip our lattes, I tell her all about the flamboyant nature of Damien and some of the antics I have heard of him doing over the years.
    I had met Damien for coffee in our crew hotel in Singapore, not long after that fateful Honolulu trip. His broken nose had been mended by then. ‘My beautiful face is thankfully still beautiful!’ he had cheered. Damien is actually not that good looking. He is a rather large man with chubby cheeks and a mischievous grin. For his size, he moves more gracefully and with more femininity than most of my female friends. Over coffee he narrated to me the ‘the flight to paradise that went via hell’ story in detail, as if he had forgotten I was on the flight. In his recollection of that day’s events, the Polynesian man was even bigger, the bruising to Damien’s face extended from ‘ear to ear’, the girl had not walked but ‘had run wildly’ through the cabin naked and the crew should have been given ‘bravery awards of the highest merit’.
    The last statement I agree with. We

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