most beautiful thing i’d ever feel. do you know how limiting that is. to think at such a ripe young age i’d experienced the most exhilarating person i’d ever meet. how i’d spend the rest of my life just settling. to think i’d tasted the rawest form of honey and everything else would be refined and synthetic. that nothing beyond this point would add up. that all the years beyond me could not combine themselves to be sweeter than you. - falsehood
i don’t know what living a balanced life feels like when i am sad i don’t cry i pour when i am happy i don’t smile i glow when i am angry i don’t yell i burn
the good thing about feeling in extremes is when i love i give them wings but perhaps that isn’t such a good thing cause they always tend to leave and you should see me when my heart is broken i don’t grieve i shatter
i came all this way to give you all these things but you aren’t even looking
the abused and the abuser - i have been both
i am undoing you from my skin
it wasn’t you i was kissing — don’t be mistaken
it was him on my mind your lips were just convenient
it always comes back to you boils circles itches its way back to you
i was music but you had your ears cut off
my tongue is sour from the hunger of missing you
i will not have you build me into your life when what i want is to build a life with you - the difference
rivers fall from my mouth tears my eyes can’t carry
you are snakeskin and i keep shedding you somehow my mind is forgetting every exquisite detail of your face the letting go has become the forgetting which is the most pleasant and saddest thing to have happened
you were not wrong for leaving you were wrong for coming back and thinking you could have me when it was convenient and leave when it was not
how can i write if he took my hands with him
neither of us is happy but neither of us wants to leave so we keep breaking one another and calling it love
we began with honesty let us end in it too - us
your voice alone drives me to tears
i don’t know why i split myself open for others knowing sewing myself up hurts this much afterward
people go but how they left always stays
love is not cruel we are cruel love is not a game we have made a game out of love
how can our love die if it’s written in these pages
even after the hurt the loss the pain the breaking your body is still the only one i want to be undressed under
the night after you left i woke up so broken the only place to put the pieces were the bags under my eyes
stay i whispered as you shut the door behind you
i am confident i am over you. so much that some mornings i wake up with a smile on my face and my hands pressed together thanking the universe for pulling you out of me. thank god i cry. thank god you left. i would not be the empire i am today if you had stayed.
but then.
there are some nights i imagine what i might do if you showed up. how if you walked into the room this very second every awful thing you’ve ever done would be tossed out the closest window and all the love would rise up again. it would pour through my eyes as if it never really left in the first place. as if it’s been practicing how to stay silent so long only so it could be this loud on your arrival. can someone explain that. how even when the love leaves. it doesn’t leave. how even when i am so past you. i am so helplessly brought back to you.
he isn’t coming back whispered my head he has to sobbed my heart - wilting
i don’t want to be friends i want all of you - more
i am losing parts of you like i lose eyelashes unknowingly and everywhere
you cannot leave and have me too i cannot exist in two places at once - when you ask if we can still be friends
i am water
soft enough to offer life tough enough to drown it away
what i miss most is how you loved me. but what i didn’t know was how you loved me had so much to do with the person i was. it was a reflection of everything i gave to you.