Apparently he had no shirts that weren’t plain calico, but he’d made a pasteboard shirtfront, inked a bow tie and little buttons on it, andpinned it to his chest. He’d made a little shirtfront for Erich von Stroheim too, and tied it around the bird’s repulsive neck with string. Erich huddled in his arms, looking at us doubtfully.
“Cool! The director himself, here to attend his first Hollywood premiere!” Einar welcomed them in. “Have a seat, gentlemen, down in the loge—or maybe that’s the mezzanine.” It amounted to a row of pillows on the floor in front of the bed. Juan Bautista settled down comfortably crosslegged, and Oscar lowered into place beside him, grumbling about having to press his trousers tomorrow. Erich von Stroheim took an experimental peck at his own shirtfront, but Juan Bautista reproved him gently, closing his fingers around the nasty-looking beak. The bird lowered his head to be scratched, making a little pleading noise.
“Well, the appointed hour is upon us,” said Einar, stepping to the front of the room, before the white sheet. He took his six-gun from his holster, and I half-expected him to shoot out the lamps, but he reversed it and held the butt to his face, pretending he was speaking into a microphone. “Ladies and gentlemen . . .” He altered his voice to sound as though he were speaking into a twentieth-century PA system, complete with the boom and squeal of badly adjusted speakers. “Ladies and gentlemen and, uh, condor, welcome to the first installment of the first-ever Cahuenga Pass Film Festival. And what a glittering turnout we have here tonight. We’re pleased to present, as our first offering, Director Erich von Stroheim’s immortal classic
Greed
, starring Jean Hersholt and Zasu Pitts. Do I see the director in the audience? Stand up and take a bow, Mr. von Stroheim!” Juan Bautista held up the bird and dipped him forward in a little bow. Erich gronked querulously and pecked to have his head scratched again. We all applauded.
“Thank you, Mr. von Stroheim. All right. Now, tonight’s offering is one of the truly great films cinema has produced. Unlike most of our future offerings, it was
not
filmed primarily in Hollywood, mostly because the director was a raving fanatic about location shots. Notable examples are the authentic San Francisco sequences shot on Polk Street and the climactic scene in Death Valley, which nearly killed the cast andcrew as temperatures soared to 120 degrees Fahrenheit and the camera equipment had to be iced down.
“The location shots were necessary, because von Stroheim insisted on a literal interpretation of the book, which meant he filmed
every single scene
. Unfortunately, the age of the miniseries had not yet arrived, and the resulting nine-hour spectacle was edited down by Universal executives to a much smaller masterpiece. Von Stroheim never forgave the studio, and they never forgave him either, which was why the rest of his cinematic career was pretty much limited to his role as Gloria Swanson’s butler in
Sunset Boulevard
.
“Anyhow, Doctor Zeus will have a quick-fingered operative in the cutting room, with the result that we are able to present tonight the full-length director’s cut, made from the original silver nitrate print, complete with the Variety Theater scene in its original version and the subplot involving the crazed Mexican cleaning woman and her Jewish pawnbroker boyfriend. I should warn the more sensitive in our audience that some of the material is really,
really
racially offensive, okay? So I apologize to our Hispanic audience members in advance, and also to anybody who might have been Jewish when they were mortal—?” He looked inquiringly at Imarte.
“I was
Chaldean,”
she corrected him.
I put up my hand. “I was arrested by the Inquisition. Does that count?”
“I think that makes you an honorary Jew,” Porfirio said.
“Okay,” continued Einar, “just don’t get sore. Now, before we
“Cool! The director himself, here to attend his first Hollywood premiere!” Einar welcomed them in. “Have a seat, gentlemen, down in the loge—or maybe that’s the mezzanine.” It amounted to a row of pillows on the floor in front of the bed. Juan Bautista settled down comfortably crosslegged, and Oscar lowered into place beside him, grumbling about having to press his trousers tomorrow. Erich von Stroheim took an experimental peck at his own shirtfront, but Juan Bautista reproved him gently, closing his fingers around the nasty-looking beak. The bird lowered his head to be scratched, making a little pleading noise.
“Well, the appointed hour is upon us,” said Einar, stepping to the front of the room, before the white sheet. He took his six-gun from his holster, and I half-expected him to shoot out the lamps, but he reversed it and held the butt to his face, pretending he was speaking into a microphone. “Ladies and gentlemen . . .” He altered his voice to sound as though he were speaking into a twentieth-century PA system, complete with the boom and squeal of badly adjusted speakers. “Ladies and gentlemen and, uh, condor, welcome to the first installment of the first-ever Cahuenga Pass Film Festival. And what a glittering turnout we have here tonight. We’re pleased to present, as our first offering, Director Erich von Stroheim’s immortal classic
Greed
, starring Jean Hersholt and Zasu Pitts. Do I see the director in the audience? Stand up and take a bow, Mr. von Stroheim!” Juan Bautista held up the bird and dipped him forward in a little bow. Erich gronked querulously and pecked to have his head scratched again. We all applauded.
“Thank you, Mr. von Stroheim. All right. Now, tonight’s offering is one of the truly great films cinema has produced. Unlike most of our future offerings, it was
not
filmed primarily in Hollywood, mostly because the director was a raving fanatic about location shots. Notable examples are the authentic San Francisco sequences shot on Polk Street and the climactic scene in Death Valley, which nearly killed the cast andcrew as temperatures soared to 120 degrees Fahrenheit and the camera equipment had to be iced down.
“The location shots were necessary, because von Stroheim insisted on a literal interpretation of the book, which meant he filmed
every single scene
. Unfortunately, the age of the miniseries had not yet arrived, and the resulting nine-hour spectacle was edited down by Universal executives to a much smaller masterpiece. Von Stroheim never forgave the studio, and they never forgave him either, which was why the rest of his cinematic career was pretty much limited to his role as Gloria Swanson’s butler in
Sunset Boulevard
.
“Anyhow, Doctor Zeus will have a quick-fingered operative in the cutting room, with the result that we are able to present tonight the full-length director’s cut, made from the original silver nitrate print, complete with the Variety Theater scene in its original version and the subplot involving the crazed Mexican cleaning woman and her Jewish pawnbroker boyfriend. I should warn the more sensitive in our audience that some of the material is really,
really
racially offensive, okay? So I apologize to our Hispanic audience members in advance, and also to anybody who might have been Jewish when they were mortal—?” He looked inquiringly at Imarte.
“I was
Chaldean,”
she corrected him.
I put up my hand. “I was arrested by the Inquisition. Does that count?”
“I think that makes you an honorary Jew,” Porfirio said.
“Okay,” continued Einar, “just don’t get sore. Now, before we
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