Read Online Memoirs of a Neurotic Zombie by Jeff Norton - Free Book Online

not just a girl.’
    I got it. ‘That’s cool, man. I used to have an imaginary friend when I was younger too.’
    ‘Adam, she’s real, she’s beautiful, and guess what?’
    ‘Um, what?’ I asked, still unsure if I was dreaming this.
    ‘She’s a moose.’
    Now I was confused. ‘A real, beautiful …’
    ‘Moose. A were moose,’ he said. ‘She lives in the woods with her herd, and just like me, she switches between animal and normal kid.’
    ‘Nesto,’ I said, stopping him in his tracks, ‘you’re not a normal kid.’
    ‘And neither is she. She’s awesome! Her name is Melissa. She likes frolicking in the forest, drinking from streams, and, get this, she likes to poo outside too!’
    ‘Sounds like your soulmate.’
    ‘I know, right!’ he squealed. ‘As if this place could get any better.’
    ‘So are you going to see Melissa the moose again?’
    ‘Oh yeah. After campfire, tonight, when she can sneak away from her herd.’
    ‘That’s great, Nesto. I’m really pleased for you.’
    ‘Thanks, Adam. I’ve never been happier.’
    I turned over, not quite sure what to believe, and finally dozed back asleep.

13
In Which I Become a Happy Camper
    The thing about sleeping in a tent, besides the fact that you’re on the ground, which should be the sole domain of worms and insects, is that rise and shine comes early.
    Nobody told me to bring an eyemask, so when the sun rose, so did I. Nesto was still snoring beside me when the morning rays acted as a natural, if annoying, alarm clock. I unzipped the tent and stretched my limbs. Slowly, a few of the other newbie campers were rousing and I spotted Amanda, holding her phone like a divining rod.
    My sister was famous, at least within the Meltzer extended family, for sleeping through just about anything. So I walked over to see what was up, since she was up.
    ‘What are you doing awake so early?’ I asked.
    ‘It’s too bright, and I can’t get a signal here.’
    ‘I don’t think the camp is big on mobile phones,’ I said.
    ‘Then it needs to get with the programme. How can I Instagram anything? I mean, how will anyone know what I’m doing?’
    I must admit, I did fancy calling Mom and Dad to let them know we’d arrived safely and to check in on their big road trip.
    ‘We could write postcards,’ I said.
    ‘Or smoke signals,’ she teased.
    Suddenly, I heard a rapid zip. ‘YOU MELTZERS ARE TOO LOUD.’
    It was Corina, crawling out of her and Amanda’s tent.
    ‘Hey, roomie!’ chirped Amanda. ‘Sun get you up too?’
    ‘No, I came prepared for light, but not for noise,’ she said, peeling back the tent flap, revealing her all-black sleeping bag that zipped up and over her head … like a portable coffin.
    ‘Well, you’re up now. Are you hungry?’ Corina shot me an are-you-kidding look, and I clarified. ‘Ready for breakfast?’
    ‘You know they have fifteen flavours of liquorice here,’ said Amanda. ‘They have a liquorice bar. It’s even open at breakfast!’
    ‘Someone say breakfast?’ growled Ernesto, clambering out of our tent on all fours. ‘I’m starving.’
    ‘No,’ said Corina, ‘you’re hardly starving after how you stuffed your face yesterday!’
    ‘Did you get dressed in the dark?’ Nesto asked. ‘Because you’ve got your grumpy pants on.’
    I got dressed (in perfectly normal tracksuit trousers), expertly applied my zombie-concealing make-up, and joined the others on their breakfast pilgrimage.
    Despite the absence of the campers that left last night, the dining hall was just as buzzy and the food was piled just as high.
    ‘Hey, my man Adam,’ called Crow. ‘Your meatball pizza’s on the menu tonight!’
    ‘I didn’t know they did requests,’ said Nesto. ‘I’m going to ask for my favourite, squirrel tacos.’
    After downing orange juice, three pancakes, two waffles and a flight of bacon strips that were drizzled in honey, I was feeling ready to go outside and face the day.
    ‘Arts and crafts this morning