Read Online Maternity Leave (9781466871533) by Julie Halpern - Free Book Online
Authors: Julie Halpern
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while I was nursing Sam. His latch and my trauma are greatly improved, but heâs very touchy about things. If I make the tiniest move, Sam unlatches, starts crying, then I start crying, and this goes on for a good fifteen minutes. It becomes a serious problem when I have to go to the bathroom. Really badly. As Iâve had to for more than an hour.
âHow was your day?â I mouth to Zach as he gingerly closes the garage door.
âGood. Yours?â
âI have to poo,â I mouth.
Zach looks confused.
âI have to poo,â I repeat.
âYou want some food?â Zach attempts.
âOh, for fuckâs sake,â I blurt out. âI donât have time for these Whoâs on First shenanigans. I have to take a shit, and I donât want Sam to stop eating. Help me.â
âWhat do you want me to do? Bring you a chamber pot?â Zach laughs.
âIâll give you a chamber pot on your head,â I growl.
âWe donât even own a chamber pot,â Zach argues.
âThen Iâll use a Crock-Pot. Just help me! Come here.â
Zach walks over to our big red chair where I like to sit while I nurse. âHelp me up while I keep him latched.â Zach supports my arms as I use the remnants of my stomach muscles to get out of the chair. I attempt to glide over to the bathroom, and I manage to keep Sam happily eating. Once Iâm in the bathroom, I realize Zach is in for a treat.
âYou have to pull my pants down,â I tell him.
âThatâs what she said,â Zach jokes.
âYuck it up, Chuckles. This may be the last instance you hear those words uttered in your life,â I warn.
Luckily Iâm still wearing maternity yoga pants, so itâs not too difficult to pull them down. The next part of the process, however, proves to be a tad more complicated.
âYou have to squirt me while I poo.â Iâm on the toilet seat now, and I urgently need to go.
âSquirt you?â Zach asks incredulously.
âWith my trusty squeeze bottle. Itâs the only way pooing doesnât hurt.â
âUnh,â is all Zach can muster.
âThere are stitches down there, and water makes the poo come out easier! Now be a man, and squirt my butt!â
Zach grabs the half-full squirt bottle off the sink and flails his arms around, looking for a place to squeeze it.
âEmpty it first, and fill it with warm water. It has to be warm!â Iâm trying my damnedest to hold it in, but itâs already been too long. âFaster! Iâm ready to go!â
âThe water wonât heat up!â Zach shouts as he repeatedly splashes his fingers under the faucet to check the temperature.
âHurry!â I shriek. Sam doesnât seem to notice any of the commotion. I imagine heâs probably reveling in my discomfort, as he is wont to do.
âItâs warm! Itâs warm!â Zach declares, and fills the bottle to the rim. When itâs full, he turns around and yells, âHow do I aim it?â
âIâll stand up a little, and you squirt at my ass while I poo. But donât look!â
âHow am I supposed to aim it and not look?â
âIâm feeding a human being and taking a shit. Learn to multitask!â
The instant the water starts spraying, I clear out my system in a matter of seconds.
âDone,â I announce.
âAll that for a three-second shit?â
I sit back down on the seat, relieved.
âNow whoâs going to wipe?â I ask.
23 Days Old
My students just about broke me today. My mom, visiting, found a box on my porch with a note attached. (Does no one ring the doorbell? I would love to speak to an actual human being besides my mother.)
Didnât want to wake the baby. Your advisory made this for you with Abby in art class, and I had to drop it off. We miss you! Love to Sam!
âDevin
Wrapped up was a decoupaged box covered in pictures of my advisees. Inside
âHow was your day?â I mouth to Zach as he gingerly closes the garage door.
âGood. Yours?â
âI have to poo,â I mouth.
Zach looks confused.
âI have to poo,â I repeat.
âYou want some food?â Zach attempts.
âOh, for fuckâs sake,â I blurt out. âI donât have time for these Whoâs on First shenanigans. I have to take a shit, and I donât want Sam to stop eating. Help me.â
âWhat do you want me to do? Bring you a chamber pot?â Zach laughs.
âIâll give you a chamber pot on your head,â I growl.
âWe donât even own a chamber pot,â Zach argues.
âThen Iâll use a Crock-Pot. Just help me! Come here.â
Zach walks over to our big red chair where I like to sit while I nurse. âHelp me up while I keep him latched.â Zach supports my arms as I use the remnants of my stomach muscles to get out of the chair. I attempt to glide over to the bathroom, and I manage to keep Sam happily eating. Once Iâm in the bathroom, I realize Zach is in for a treat.
âYou have to pull my pants down,â I tell him.
âThatâs what she said,â Zach jokes.
âYuck it up, Chuckles. This may be the last instance you hear those words uttered in your life,â I warn.
Luckily Iâm still wearing maternity yoga pants, so itâs not too difficult to pull them down. The next part of the process, however, proves to be a tad more complicated.
âYou have to squirt me while I poo.â Iâm on the toilet seat now, and I urgently need to go.
âSquirt you?â Zach asks incredulously.
âWith my trusty squeeze bottle. Itâs the only way pooing doesnât hurt.â
âUnh,â is all Zach can muster.
âThere are stitches down there, and water makes the poo come out easier! Now be a man, and squirt my butt!â
Zach grabs the half-full squirt bottle off the sink and flails his arms around, looking for a place to squeeze it.
âEmpty it first, and fill it with warm water. It has to be warm!â Iâm trying my damnedest to hold it in, but itâs already been too long. âFaster! Iâm ready to go!â
âThe water wonât heat up!â Zach shouts as he repeatedly splashes his fingers under the faucet to check the temperature.
âHurry!â I shriek. Sam doesnât seem to notice any of the commotion. I imagine heâs probably reveling in my discomfort, as he is wont to do.
âItâs warm! Itâs warm!â Zach declares, and fills the bottle to the rim. When itâs full, he turns around and yells, âHow do I aim it?â
âIâll stand up a little, and you squirt at my ass while I poo. But donât look!â
âHow am I supposed to aim it and not look?â
âIâm feeding a human being and taking a shit. Learn to multitask!â
The instant the water starts spraying, I clear out my system in a matter of seconds.
âDone,â I announce.
âAll that for a three-second shit?â
I sit back down on the seat, relieved.
âNow whoâs going to wipe?â I ask.
23 Days Old
My students just about broke me today. My mom, visiting, found a box on my porch with a note attached. (Does no one ring the doorbell? I would love to speak to an actual human being besides my mother.)
Didnât want to wake the baby. Your advisory made this for you with Abby in art class, and I had to drop it off. We miss you! Love to Sam!
âDevin
Wrapped up was a decoupaged box covered in pictures of my advisees. Inside
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