Read Online Maternity Leave (9781466871533) by Julie Halpern - Free Book Online

while I was nursing Sam. His latch and my trauma are greatly improved, but he’s very touchy about things. If I make the tiniest move, Sam unlatches, starts crying, then I start crying, and this goes on for a good fifteen minutes. It becomes a serious problem when I have to go to the bathroom. Really badly. As I’ve had to for more than an hour.
    â€œHow was your day?” I mouth to Zach as he gingerly closes the garage door.
    â€œGood. Yours?”
    â€œI have to poo,” I mouth.
    Zach looks confused.
    â€œI have to poo,” I repeat.
    â€œYou want some food?” Zach attempts.
    â€œOh, for fuck’s sake,” I blurt out. “I don’t have time for these Who’s on First shenanigans. I have to take a shit, and I don’t want Sam to stop eating. Help me.”
    â€œWhat do you want me to do? Bring you a chamber pot?” Zach laughs.
    â€œI’ll give you a chamber pot on your head,” I growl.
    â€œWe don’t even own a chamber pot,” Zach argues.
    â€œThen I’ll use a Crock-Pot. Just help me! Come here.”
    Zach walks over to our big red chair where I like to sit while I nurse. “Help me up while I keep him latched.” Zach supports my arms as I use the remnants of my stomach muscles to get out of the chair. I attempt to glide over to the bathroom, and I manage to keep Sam happily eating. Once I’m in the bathroom, I realize Zach is in for a treat.
    â€œYou have to pull my pants down,” I tell him.
    â€œThat’s what she said,” Zach jokes.
    â€œYuck it up, Chuckles. This may be the last instance you hear those words uttered in your life,” I warn.
    Luckily I’m still wearing maternity yoga pants, so it’s not too difficult to pull them down. The next part of the process, however, proves to be a tad more complicated.
    â€œYou have to squirt me while I poo.” I’m on the toilet seat now, and I urgently need to go.
    â€œSquirt you?” Zach asks incredulously.
    â€œWith my trusty squeeze bottle. It’s the only way pooing doesn’t hurt.”
    â€œUnh,” is all Zach can muster.
    â€œThere are stitches down there, and water makes the poo come out easier! Now be a man, and squirt my butt!”
    Zach grabs the half-full squirt bottle off the sink and flails his arms around, looking for a place to squeeze it.
    â€œEmpty it first, and fill it with warm water. It has to be warm!” I’m trying my damnedest to hold it in, but it’s already been too long. “Faster! I’m ready to go!”
    â€œThe water won’t heat up!” Zach shouts as he repeatedly splashes his fingers under the faucet to check the temperature.
    â€œHurry!” I shriek. Sam doesn’t seem to notice any of the commotion. I imagine he’s probably reveling in my discomfort, as he is wont to do.
    â€œIt’s warm! It’s warm!” Zach declares, and fills the bottle to the rim. When it’s full, he turns around and yells, “How do I aim it?”
    â€œI’ll stand up a little, and you squirt at my ass while I poo. But don’t look!”
    â€œHow am I supposed to aim it and not look?”
    â€œI’m feeding a human being and taking a shit. Learn to multitask!”
    The instant the water starts spraying, I clear out my system in a matter of seconds.
    â€œDone,” I announce.
    â€œAll that for a three-second shit?”
    I sit back down on the seat, relieved.
    â€œNow who’s going to wipe?” I ask.
    23 Days Old
    My students just about broke me today. My mom, visiting, found a box on my porch with a note attached. (Does no one ring the doorbell? I would love to speak to an actual human being besides my mother.)
    Didn’t want to wake the baby. Your advisory made this for you with Abby in art class, and I had to drop it off. We miss you! Love to Sam!
    â€”Devin
    Wrapped up was a decoupaged box covered in pictures of my advisees. Inside