Read Online Maternity Leave (9781466871533) by Julie Halpern - Free Book Online Page A
Authors: Julie Halpern
Ads: Link
were letters, written in the formal style I taught them, wishing me happiness and telling me how much they missed me. I handed Sam off to my mom so that I could read sentiments from children who actually care about me and communicate with me. It was positively abstract to imagine Sam would one day be able to do both.
24 Days Old
I had an appointment with Joanne today. I may visit her every time Sam needs to eat. Perhaps move into the parking lot outside of her office in an RV. My nipples are looking like booby battlefields, and Joanne suggested I put olive oil on the scabs to help them heal. I hope next itâs something like frosting. Iâd smell better. And Zach could lick it off. Just kidding! The next time I let Zach near my nipples, Sam will be studying law in college. Or farm studies. I donât care what he majors in as long as heâs keeping his distance from my nipples.
The truly exciting news is that Iâm done with the nipple shields. Sam figured out how to latch directly on to the real deals. Perhaps Iâll turn the shields into a masterpiece of abstract art and sell it on Etsy. Or better yet, I can put them in Samâs baby book.
A LETTER TO MY DEAR CHILD
Dear Son,
Here are the nipple shields that I had to wear because you inflicted excruciating pain onto your mother. I WILL NEVER FORGET.
To transition from shield to nip proper, Joanne gave me some cooling pads to place over my nipples. They are essentially Dr. Schollâs gel pads, but for nips! They stick pretty well, even without a bra on to hold them in place. When I get home, I spend a good five minutes strutting around in front of a mirror pretending Iâm in some warped postpartum burlesque show. I file the moment away as one good reason to be home alone during maternity leave.
To: Fern
From: Annie
Dear Fern,
Iâm typing this quickly, as Sam stirs in his crib. I know he is going to want to attack my boobs soon enough. Sometimes it hurts so badly I think Iâm going to pass out. I wish it would get a million times better, and he would turn into more of a baby than a lump. I never thought Iâd say this, but I think Angelina Jolie was right. She said something lumpy about her baby once, and she caught a lot of shit for it. Glad nobodyâs interviewing me. Especially because I canât get rid of this zit on my chest, and I desperately need my hair colored. So many grays! Jolie did not have to deal with these things, even if she did have a lump of a baby. Remember that glamorous breastfeeding magazine cover? Fuck.
âLumpyâ callsâ
Annie
25 Days Old
Friday. Five days of being home alone with Sam, and Iâm counting the seconds to when Zach gets home from work. Today was very similar to yesterday, as it was to the day before.
  1. Wake up (officially, without the goal of trying to fall back asleep, although the desire is still there).
  2. Nurse Sam.
  3. Put Sam in bouncy seat while I make breakfast.
  4. Two minutes later, take Sam out of bouncy seat and hold him as I eat breakfast to prevent him from busting a lung with his screams. While bouncing him.
  5. Put Sam down for a nap.
  6. Shower with baby monitor on.
  7. Let water run until it gets cold or until Sam scares the shit out of me over the monitor.
  8. Get dressed in yoga pants.
  9. Put Sam on mat.
10. Read aloud from latest Tori Spelling bio.
11. Sing along to Ella Jenkins CD.
12. Nurse.
13. Put Sam down for a nap.
14. Repeat numbers 8â12.
15. Try to take my own nap.
16. Worry that I wonât be able to fall asleep.
17. Fall asleep exactly three minutes before Sam wakes up.
18. Repeat numbers 8â12.
19. Take Sam for a walk. Run into âThe Walking Man,â a neighborhood guy often seen striding by in gym-teacher shorts and tall socks. Friendly hellos exchanged.
20. Look at the clock 16,000 times until Zach walks through the door.
Except
24 Days Old
I had an appointment with Joanne today. I may visit her every time Sam needs to eat. Perhaps move into the parking lot outside of her office in an RV. My nipples are looking like booby battlefields, and Joanne suggested I put olive oil on the scabs to help them heal. I hope next itâs something like frosting. Iâd smell better. And Zach could lick it off. Just kidding! The next time I let Zach near my nipples, Sam will be studying law in college. Or farm studies. I donât care what he majors in as long as heâs keeping his distance from my nipples.
The truly exciting news is that Iâm done with the nipple shields. Sam figured out how to latch directly on to the real deals. Perhaps Iâll turn the shields into a masterpiece of abstract art and sell it on Etsy. Or better yet, I can put them in Samâs baby book.
A LETTER TO MY DEAR CHILD
Dear Son,
Here are the nipple shields that I had to wear because you inflicted excruciating pain onto your mother. I WILL NEVER FORGET.
To transition from shield to nip proper, Joanne gave me some cooling pads to place over my nipples. They are essentially Dr. Schollâs gel pads, but for nips! They stick pretty well, even without a bra on to hold them in place. When I get home, I spend a good five minutes strutting around in front of a mirror pretending Iâm in some warped postpartum burlesque show. I file the moment away as one good reason to be home alone during maternity leave.
To: Fern
From: Annie
Dear Fern,
Iâm typing this quickly, as Sam stirs in his crib. I know he is going to want to attack my boobs soon enough. Sometimes it hurts so badly I think Iâm going to pass out. I wish it would get a million times better, and he would turn into more of a baby than a lump. I never thought Iâd say this, but I think Angelina Jolie was right. She said something lumpy about her baby once, and she caught a lot of shit for it. Glad nobodyâs interviewing me. Especially because I canât get rid of this zit on my chest, and I desperately need my hair colored. So many grays! Jolie did not have to deal with these things, even if she did have a lump of a baby. Remember that glamorous breastfeeding magazine cover? Fuck.
âLumpyâ callsâ
Annie
25 Days Old
Friday. Five days of being home alone with Sam, and Iâm counting the seconds to when Zach gets home from work. Today was very similar to yesterday, as it was to the day before.
  1. Wake up (officially, without the goal of trying to fall back asleep, although the desire is still there).
  2. Nurse Sam.
  3. Put Sam in bouncy seat while I make breakfast.
  4. Two minutes later, take Sam out of bouncy seat and hold him as I eat breakfast to prevent him from busting a lung with his screams. While bouncing him.
  5. Put Sam down for a nap.
  6. Shower with baby monitor on.
  7. Let water run until it gets cold or until Sam scares the shit out of me over the monitor.
  8. Get dressed in yoga pants.
  9. Put Sam on mat.
10. Read aloud from latest Tori Spelling bio.
11. Sing along to Ella Jenkins CD.
12. Nurse.
13. Put Sam down for a nap.
14. Repeat numbers 8â12.
15. Try to take my own nap.
16. Worry that I wonât be able to fall asleep.
17. Fall asleep exactly three minutes before Sam wakes up.
18. Repeat numbers 8â12.
19. Take Sam for a walk. Run into âThe Walking Man,â a neighborhood guy often seen striding by in gym-teacher shorts and tall socks. Friendly hellos exchanged.
20. Look at the clock 16,000 times until Zach walks through the door.
Except
Similar Books
