Read Online Lullaby by Claire Seeber - Free Book Online

perfunctorily.
    ‘Mrs Finnegan, I know you’re tired, but you’ll appreciate I must ask some questions. I need to take a statement from you when I get you home.’ He caught my eye in the mirror, and held it. In the gloom his eyes were almost black. ‘Until your husband regains consciousness, you’re our only connection with your son.’
    Levelly I held his gaze. I knew he was right, and Iwas about to agree when suddenly the huge chimneys of the Tate loomed over to my left.
    ‘Stop!’ I shouted, and he slammed on the brakes again.
    ‘For Christ’s sake!’ Leigh swore, pushing herself back from the dashboard. ‘It’s like the bloody Dodgems in here.’
    ‘I need to get out,’ I said, fumbling for the handle.
    ‘Are you feeling ill?’ she asked.
    I shook my head impatiently. ‘No. I just need to go there now.’
    ‘Where?’
    ‘Back to the Tate. I never should have left.’
    ‘Jess, don’t be silly. It’s shut now,’ Leigh said, turning in her seat.
    ‘Not
into
the Tate. To the river. To where they found Mickey. Did they find him here?’ I realised I didn’t know. ‘I need to make sure Louis is not—I mean, what if he’s still here?’
    ‘Jess, wait! I’ll come with you,’ but I was already opening the car door, scrambling out, running across the road. Leigh’s voice faded quickly as a lone motorcycle whizzed past me, so close I felt the wind against my cheek, so near I heard the driver’s curse. But I was infallible. I was running, back to where I’d come from today, back to where I’d last seen my son. Of course-this was right! Why had I ever left? I was mad; I should have stayed. I could have found him. I ignored the voices behind me, the shouts. I ran and ran, past the shuttered coffee stand, through the high, pruned hedges, until suddenly I hit the river.
    I stopped for a second. I breathed in the dark night air. The city on the other bank looked magnificent, lit up like a great fairground in the sky. And somewhere here was Louis. Somewhere near—
    I felt an arm go round me, a quiet, calm voice speak in my ear, a northern drawl. I realised I was shaking.
    ‘Mrs Finnegan, I can assure you that our teams are out looking. They’re scouring every corner of the city. There’s no sign of Louis here, you know. And actually your husband was found some way away.’ He turned me round to face him but I wouldn’t meet his eye.
    ‘We should go now, don’t you think?’ Gently he persisted. ‘You’re going to make yourself ill and you’ll be no good to anyone. Let me take you home.’
    I doubled over. I couldn’t stand. I couldn’t stand it. I’d never felt so helpless in my life. I was racked with pain in every little crevice, every part of me cried out for my only child. So this was mother love. It hurt like fucking hell.
    ‘Please,’ I begged, and I heard my voice crack hoarsely. ‘Please, just let me look. Just for five minutes,’ and he looked at me, and he must have sensed my desperation, because he did. He held my arm and we walked up and down and round and round for a bit, and I could feel him trying not to march me. And I could see that it was all tidy, that there was no baby here. My baby wasn’t here.
    But I couldn’t bear to leave. I slunk out of his grasp and sunk down on the ground and I lay my head on the tarmac still warm from the day’s sun. Tears slid down my face without sound. I put my hands flat downas if I could pick the earth up and spin it round my head, and I wondered what I’d done wrong to make me lose my son.
    Eventually I let the policeman pick me up again; gently he brushed me down, like I was a child, a little child, and then he led me by the hand to the car where Leigh was waiting, smoking anxiously in the warm night. She saw my face and ground out her fag, offered me a rather grubby tissue, all lipstick-stained. Then she hugged me clumsily, and, awkwardly, I submitted. And this time I got in the front of the car, and took a pill that Leigh handed