Read Online Love is Always Write Anthology Bonus Volume by Various Authors - Free Book Online Page B
Authors: Various Authors
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Jacob eased out of the bed and stood up.
It felt odd, standing there naked with someone else in the room, but it felt stupid to dress when the person was someone he'd had sex with. He settled for pulling on his skivvies. He walked silently to the window and pulled the drapes aside just an inch on one side. Just enough to allow him to put one eye to the gap and see out.
The sun had set while they were otherwise occupied. The sky was dark, and if there was any hint of lingering color it must have been behind him. In front of him was only darkness. A few stars were visible. He didn't recognize any constellations, and anyway it was the southern hemisphere so they would all be different. Stars had never been his thing. Brian had been the one with the telescope, the one who talked about traveling to the moon, the one who knew all the constellations back when they were ten.
Which was about the last time he'd shared a bed with anyone, Jacob realized. Those nights when Brian had defied the lights-out rule to come crawl into his bed and talk and plan, while Jacob listened and tried not to fall asleep before his twin got done talking. Somewhere around the time they were both eleven or twelve they began to grow apart and the nighttime chats stopped.
Jacob wondered now whether it had had anything to do with him. With his being queer. He'd just assumed at the time that Brian had outgrown him. Brian had a lot of friends and wide-ranging interests that Jacob could no longer keep up with. But maybe it had been something else. Maybe Brian had sensed that Jacob was different. Maybe getting into bed at night with a brother who was turning into some kind of queer had felt wrong to Brian.
That was paranoia. Jacob knew it. Unfortunately once he'd had the thought he couldn't erase it from his mind. Brian had liked girls. He'd been just fifteen the first time he'd come home and bragged to Jacob about getting his hands under a girl's blouse. Sixteen when he'd apparently done a whole lot more than that. Jacob had nodded and applauded mechanically, and wondered why he himself was such a slow bloomer. Maybe Brian had felt some inking of why. By the time they were seventeen he'd stopped telling Jacob anything personal.
Jacob let the curtain fall back over the window and leaned against the wall. He closed his eyes. He'd made his choice. He'd thought this would be it. He was queer. He'd had sex with a man. He'd really, really enjoyed sex with a man. With Daniel. So why didn't he feel any different from when he walked in that door two hours earlier?
Why did he suddenly want to run not walk back to the ship and pretend this had never happened? Brian was dead. He would never know, never care. And Father and Mother... Jacob wrenched his thoughts away from that path. He was half a hemisphere away from home. Surely here if anywhere in the world he could be himself.
Daniel's soft voice said, "Jacob?"
He opened his eyes warily. Daniel hadn't moved, other than to roll up on one arm. He lay stretched on the bed looking at Jacob, his eyes warm in the lamplight. "Couldn't sleep?"
"Nope." He clutched at the straw. "It's hot."
"It's been hotter on the Gageway ." Daniel stripped the covers down to bare the mattress. He slid to the edge of the bed and patted the empty side of the mattress. "Come and stretch out at least."
Jacob reluctantly pushed away from the wall and eased onto the bed. He felt faintly ridiculous not taking off his shorts, with Daniel stretched out naked and gorgeous, but he left them on anyway. He folded his arms behind his head and stared at the circle of lamplight on the ceiling.
Daniel murmured, "You want to talk about it?"
"Not really."
"You want me to suck you off again?"
Jacob could feel his whole body come to attention at the picture that presented, but he said, "No. Not right now. Thank you."
Daniel's laugh was short. "You want to go back to the Gageway and pretend you never met the queer guy who corrupted you?"
"No!" He turned
It felt odd, standing there naked with someone else in the room, but it felt stupid to dress when the person was someone he'd had sex with. He settled for pulling on his skivvies. He walked silently to the window and pulled the drapes aside just an inch on one side. Just enough to allow him to put one eye to the gap and see out.
The sun had set while they were otherwise occupied. The sky was dark, and if there was any hint of lingering color it must have been behind him. In front of him was only darkness. A few stars were visible. He didn't recognize any constellations, and anyway it was the southern hemisphere so they would all be different. Stars had never been his thing. Brian had been the one with the telescope, the one who talked about traveling to the moon, the one who knew all the constellations back when they were ten.
Which was about the last time he'd shared a bed with anyone, Jacob realized. Those nights when Brian had defied the lights-out rule to come crawl into his bed and talk and plan, while Jacob listened and tried not to fall asleep before his twin got done talking. Somewhere around the time they were both eleven or twelve they began to grow apart and the nighttime chats stopped.
Jacob wondered now whether it had had anything to do with him. With his being queer. He'd just assumed at the time that Brian had outgrown him. Brian had a lot of friends and wide-ranging interests that Jacob could no longer keep up with. But maybe it had been something else. Maybe Brian had sensed that Jacob was different. Maybe getting into bed at night with a brother who was turning into some kind of queer had felt wrong to Brian.
That was paranoia. Jacob knew it. Unfortunately once he'd had the thought he couldn't erase it from his mind. Brian had liked girls. He'd been just fifteen the first time he'd come home and bragged to Jacob about getting his hands under a girl's blouse. Sixteen when he'd apparently done a whole lot more than that. Jacob had nodded and applauded mechanically, and wondered why he himself was such a slow bloomer. Maybe Brian had felt some inking of why. By the time they were seventeen he'd stopped telling Jacob anything personal.
Jacob let the curtain fall back over the window and leaned against the wall. He closed his eyes. He'd made his choice. He'd thought this would be it. He was queer. He'd had sex with a man. He'd really, really enjoyed sex with a man. With Daniel. So why didn't he feel any different from when he walked in that door two hours earlier?
Why did he suddenly want to run not walk back to the ship and pretend this had never happened? Brian was dead. He would never know, never care. And Father and Mother... Jacob wrenched his thoughts away from that path. He was half a hemisphere away from home. Surely here if anywhere in the world he could be himself.
Daniel's soft voice said, "Jacob?"
He opened his eyes warily. Daniel hadn't moved, other than to roll up on one arm. He lay stretched on the bed looking at Jacob, his eyes warm in the lamplight. "Couldn't sleep?"
"Nope." He clutched at the straw. "It's hot."
"It's been hotter on the Gageway ." Daniel stripped the covers down to bare the mattress. He slid to the edge of the bed and patted the empty side of the mattress. "Come and stretch out at least."
Jacob reluctantly pushed away from the wall and eased onto the bed. He felt faintly ridiculous not taking off his shorts, with Daniel stretched out naked and gorgeous, but he left them on anyway. He folded his arms behind his head and stared at the circle of lamplight on the ceiling.
Daniel murmured, "You want to talk about it?"
"Not really."
"You want me to suck you off again?"
Jacob could feel his whole body come to attention at the picture that presented, but he said, "No. Not right now. Thank you."
Daniel's laugh was short. "You want to go back to the Gageway and pretend you never met the queer guy who corrupted you?"
"No!" He turned
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