stories I had long forgotten and listening to him tell me about our daughter.
During the past three weeks, Josie quit being my daughter or Josh’s daughter, but Adam’s and my daughter. She knew him and his voice better than mine, and while at first I resented that fact, Dr. Rios had helped me come to terms with it. I was in here getting better for her and for myself, and I was grateful, am grateful, for everything Adam is doing for us.
At least until he left me. I knew this day was coming. He had tried to prepare me for it, but nothing could have prepared me for the feelings of turmoil and angst I felt at not seeing my daughter or Adam. But he had to go back on tour. The band was already talking about finding a replacement for Adam. He had told me he didn’t mind, but I know he did. This was his band. His and Josh’s. I’ll be damned if some nobody asshole takes it away from him while he tends to me.
I woke up this morning panicked, with a sickening feeling that I’d never go home. Now that I’ve been granted access to my laptop, I took those feelings to the internet and shared it with cyberspace. I have a decent amount of readers on my blog, some of which can empathize with what I’m going through, others who can only offer support via the World Wide Web. It’s strange to find comfort in people that live in my computer, but I figure it’s better than relying on the people who live in my head. Those crazy sons of bitches have only brought me unneeded drama.
I swear now, something I’ve rarely ever done. I have Hayley to thank for opening me up to this world filled with all sorts of fucks . She’s become a good friend, and we have been requesting to swap roommates so we can room together. So far, our requests have gone unanswered. They’re probably worried we’d burn the place down, which, knowing Hayley, could very well happen.
I look for her at our usual breakfast spot, but don’t see her. Lazy hooker is probably sleeping in late after last night’s secret meeting via Skype. We binged on chocolate Adam had snuck us in before he had to leave. I rub my aching heart as I sit down at our usual spot. I feel naked without Hayley and realize I’ve grown dependent on yet another person. I doubt I’ll ever stop depending on others, which doesn’t make sense since I’ve never depended on anyone until Josh.
Josh – it’s been two hundred and twenty-three days and the thought of him still breaks me into pieces, but at least I’m no longer experiencing the daily panic attacks that once loomed over me. Nope, now I have days without any signs of an attack, which is worse, because I’m always waiting for them so they don’t blindside me. Although they always do.
After breakfast and my daily dosage of antipsychotics, I go to Hayley’s room, but I find it empty. I bypass the nurse’s station and go straight to my favorite nurse’s desk by the front window. I walk in without knocking and she smiles at me. I really wish I had asked her name weeks ago, because it’d be pretty awkward to ask now.
“Dee.” She smiles at me. “How you doin’ today?”
“Like the rainbow that brightens up a crappy day,” I tell her, and she laughs like I knew she would. “Where’s Hayley?”
“Your nurse didn’t tell you?” she asks, and I shake my head. “She wasn’t feeling well last night so they took her down to the Emergency Room.”
“Her stomach?”
“How’d you know?”
“We may or may not have a stash of chocolate that we gorged on last night.”
“How much chocolate did you eat?” She shakes her head in mock disapproval. “Poor thing was in a lot of pain.”
“She said she was on the rag and needed chocolate therapy.” I shrug my shoulders. “Her goal was a chocolate induced coma. Not diarrhea.”
“I don’t think she reached her goal.”
“Will you let me know when they let her go?” I ask before leaving and she agrees.
Group therapy is rough without Hayley, and it’s
During the past three weeks, Josie quit being my daughter or Josh’s daughter, but Adam’s and my daughter. She knew him and his voice better than mine, and while at first I resented that fact, Dr. Rios had helped me come to terms with it. I was in here getting better for her and for myself, and I was grateful, am grateful, for everything Adam is doing for us.
At least until he left me. I knew this day was coming. He had tried to prepare me for it, but nothing could have prepared me for the feelings of turmoil and angst I felt at not seeing my daughter or Adam. But he had to go back on tour. The band was already talking about finding a replacement for Adam. He had told me he didn’t mind, but I know he did. This was his band. His and Josh’s. I’ll be damned if some nobody asshole takes it away from him while he tends to me.
I woke up this morning panicked, with a sickening feeling that I’d never go home. Now that I’ve been granted access to my laptop, I took those feelings to the internet and shared it with cyberspace. I have a decent amount of readers on my blog, some of which can empathize with what I’m going through, others who can only offer support via the World Wide Web. It’s strange to find comfort in people that live in my computer, but I figure it’s better than relying on the people who live in my head. Those crazy sons of bitches have only brought me unneeded drama.
I swear now, something I’ve rarely ever done. I have Hayley to thank for opening me up to this world filled with all sorts of fucks . She’s become a good friend, and we have been requesting to swap roommates so we can room together. So far, our requests have gone unanswered. They’re probably worried we’d burn the place down, which, knowing Hayley, could very well happen.
I look for her at our usual breakfast spot, but don’t see her. Lazy hooker is probably sleeping in late after last night’s secret meeting via Skype. We binged on chocolate Adam had snuck us in before he had to leave. I rub my aching heart as I sit down at our usual spot. I feel naked without Hayley and realize I’ve grown dependent on yet another person. I doubt I’ll ever stop depending on others, which doesn’t make sense since I’ve never depended on anyone until Josh.
Josh – it’s been two hundred and twenty-three days and the thought of him still breaks me into pieces, but at least I’m no longer experiencing the daily panic attacks that once loomed over me. Nope, now I have days without any signs of an attack, which is worse, because I’m always waiting for them so they don’t blindside me. Although they always do.
After breakfast and my daily dosage of antipsychotics, I go to Hayley’s room, but I find it empty. I bypass the nurse’s station and go straight to my favorite nurse’s desk by the front window. I walk in without knocking and she smiles at me. I really wish I had asked her name weeks ago, because it’d be pretty awkward to ask now.
“Dee.” She smiles at me. “How you doin’ today?”
“Like the rainbow that brightens up a crappy day,” I tell her, and she laughs like I knew she would. “Where’s Hayley?”
“Your nurse didn’t tell you?” she asks, and I shake my head. “She wasn’t feeling well last night so they took her down to the Emergency Room.”
“Her stomach?”
“How’d you know?”
“We may or may not have a stash of chocolate that we gorged on last night.”
“How much chocolate did you eat?” She shakes her head in mock disapproval. “Poor thing was in a lot of pain.”
“She said she was on the rag and needed chocolate therapy.” I shrug my shoulders. “Her goal was a chocolate induced coma. Not diarrhea.”
“I don’t think she reached her goal.”
“Will you let me know when they let her go?” I ask before leaving and she agrees.
Group therapy is rough without Hayley, and it’s
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