to carry her, but know I have to. Adam hands her to me as nurses keep a watchful eye on me as if I might try to hurt her. I guess it’s probably happened before. I look at her face and see Josh staring back at me. My throat closes up until I can barely breathe. I try to hand her back to Adam, but he refuses.
“You’ve got this, sweetie,” he tells me, rubbing my back. “You can do it. That’s your baby. Your little girl.”
I nod and force myself to look at her face. My little girl. My lip quivers and I steady my breathing so I don’t get dizzy while holding her. I can do this. She has Josh’s ears, his lips, and when she smiles I see she has my dimples. I touch her dimple, remembering how much Josh loved my dimples.
“She has your nose, too.” I look up at him to see him smiling at me. “And your lungs,” he says, and I chuckle. “Her screams scare the life out of me.”
“In her defense, all she can do to get your attention is scream.”
Adam shakes his head and laughs at me. I don’t know why it hits me so suddenly, but at that moment I realize how much I’ve selfishly put on Adam. How much he’s selflessly taken on. I look at him in disbelief and for the first time notice the dark circles under his eyes and the worry creases between his eyebrows. How long have they been there?
With one arm supporting Josie, I reach out to Adam, and he willingly takes my hand. “I’m sorry,” I whisper and choke back the threatening tears. “I’m sorry,” I repeat clearer. “You don’t have to do any of this, but here you are.”
“I just want you to get better, Dee. That’s all that matters to me.”
“You give and you give. Don’t you ever get tired of not receiving?”
“You’ve given me more than I ever hoped for.” I look at him, confused. Aside from grief and worry, I’m not sure what I’ve given him. “You gave me purpose. You gave me Josie. You didn’t have to, but you did.”
“I think we’re the ones benefiting the most from that exchange,” I laugh, but he shakes his head.
“My life meant nothing before. I had music, you and Josh. What else did I have?”
“That wasn’t enough?”
“Was it enough for you?” he asks, and I nod. “It wasn’t for me. I wanted more.”
I stare at my daughter and am grateful for the characteristics her dad passed down to her. So long as I have her, he isn’t completely lost to me.
“I’ll come by later,” Adam promises before he leaves.
“With Josie?”
“Yeah.” He smiles, and it warms my heart.
“I held my daughter today,” I tell Hayley later that night during our free time. Dr. Rios thinks I should open up to other patients and make some friends. Hayley seems like the least threatening of the group, so I decide to try to speak to her.
“Yeah?” She looks up from the piano and stops playing. “What was it like?”
“Weird,” I shrug. “She’s like this tiny little creature and I’m supposed to be the one taking care of her, but I can barely look at her. But once I do, I don’t want to look away.”
“Did she cry when you carried her?” she asks, and I shake my head. “Guess that’s a good sign. What’s her name?”
“Josie.”
“Like the Pussycats?”
“Yeah, I guess so,” I laugh, remembering the movie about an all-female rock band. I guess it’s fitting. “I have a picture of her in my room.”
Hayley follows me to my room and plops herself on my bed. She picks up the picture on my nightstand and studies it as I ease myself onto the bed.
“You need to learn how to chill, chick,” she says from behind the frame.
“And you’ve got the secret to chilling?” I ask. “Is that why you’re stuck in a psych ward with me?”
Hayley grabs my pillow and throws it at my face before I have the chance to block it. Laughing, I grab the pillow and shove it in her face while we laugh. That’s at least three times today I’ve laughed. Maybe there is something to those magic happy pills.
“You wanna
“You’ve got this, sweetie,” he tells me, rubbing my back. “You can do it. That’s your baby. Your little girl.”
I nod and force myself to look at her face. My little girl. My lip quivers and I steady my breathing so I don’t get dizzy while holding her. I can do this. She has Josh’s ears, his lips, and when she smiles I see she has my dimples. I touch her dimple, remembering how much Josh loved my dimples.
“She has your nose, too.” I look up at him to see him smiling at me. “And your lungs,” he says, and I chuckle. “Her screams scare the life out of me.”
“In her defense, all she can do to get your attention is scream.”
Adam shakes his head and laughs at me. I don’t know why it hits me so suddenly, but at that moment I realize how much I’ve selfishly put on Adam. How much he’s selflessly taken on. I look at him in disbelief and for the first time notice the dark circles under his eyes and the worry creases between his eyebrows. How long have they been there?
With one arm supporting Josie, I reach out to Adam, and he willingly takes my hand. “I’m sorry,” I whisper and choke back the threatening tears. “I’m sorry,” I repeat clearer. “You don’t have to do any of this, but here you are.”
“I just want you to get better, Dee. That’s all that matters to me.”
“You give and you give. Don’t you ever get tired of not receiving?”
“You’ve given me more than I ever hoped for.” I look at him, confused. Aside from grief and worry, I’m not sure what I’ve given him. “You gave me purpose. You gave me Josie. You didn’t have to, but you did.”
“I think we’re the ones benefiting the most from that exchange,” I laugh, but he shakes his head.
“My life meant nothing before. I had music, you and Josh. What else did I have?”
“That wasn’t enough?”
“Was it enough for you?” he asks, and I nod. “It wasn’t for me. I wanted more.”
I stare at my daughter and am grateful for the characteristics her dad passed down to her. So long as I have her, he isn’t completely lost to me.
“I’ll come by later,” Adam promises before he leaves.
“With Josie?”
“Yeah.” He smiles, and it warms my heart.
“I held my daughter today,” I tell Hayley later that night during our free time. Dr. Rios thinks I should open up to other patients and make some friends. Hayley seems like the least threatening of the group, so I decide to try to speak to her.
“Yeah?” She looks up from the piano and stops playing. “What was it like?”
“Weird,” I shrug. “She’s like this tiny little creature and I’m supposed to be the one taking care of her, but I can barely look at her. But once I do, I don’t want to look away.”
“Did she cry when you carried her?” she asks, and I shake my head. “Guess that’s a good sign. What’s her name?”
“Josie.”
“Like the Pussycats?”
“Yeah, I guess so,” I laugh, remembering the movie about an all-female rock band. I guess it’s fitting. “I have a picture of her in my room.”
Hayley follows me to my room and plops herself on my bed. She picks up the picture on my nightstand and studies it as I ease myself onto the bed.
“You need to learn how to chill, chick,” she says from behind the frame.
“And you’ve got the secret to chilling?” I ask. “Is that why you’re stuck in a psych ward with me?”
Hayley grabs my pillow and throws it at my face before I have the chance to block it. Laughing, I grab the pillow and shove it in her face while we laugh. That’s at least three times today I’ve laughed. Maybe there is something to those magic happy pills.
“You wanna
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