Read Online Little Green Men by Christopher Buckley - Free Book Online Page A
Authors: Christopher Buckley
Tags: Satire
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talking revolution in Madame Chantal's. Right?"
She was good, this one. She had enthusiasm, more than Banion would have mustered himself for the peanuts he paid his Georgetown researchers. It almost shamed him. But the chance to work for John O . Banion as a mere graduate student - who knew where that could lead? Possibly to even more low-paying grunt work as a production assistant on his TV show.
"Mr. Banion?"
"Um ?" He'd been daydreaming. He sat up straight. "Yes, that could be promising. Check with Renira on what we can pay him. You have to be careful with these academic types. They go in for the old bait and switch. Tell you there's a map somewhere proving the Mesopotamians discovered America and string you along forever. Fix a price beforehand for the letter on delivery, and hold him to it. Don't let him sweet-talk you. Be careful - he's French. And insist on a photocopy of the document. Better get something from NIH** * on what they were doing in the eighteenth century for. . . syphilis." She was pretty and young. He felt uncomfortable talking about venereal disease with her. He threw in an uncharacteristic "Fine work. Elspeth."
"Thank you, sir.
"I'm wondering what kind of treatment Franklin advised," she said. "Tying a kite string to his penis in an electrical storm?"
* "My littl e problem."
** "A good course of electrical therapy." What precisely Franklin had in mind is not clear. "
*** National Institutes of Health .
Banion blushed.
"This UFO material," he said gravely. "Why don't you digest it for me?"
She had come prepared. She gave him an excellent tour of the fuzzy horizon of the UFO world, beginning with the First sightings in 1947, up to the present day, when one could actually purchase an insurance policy in the event of being abducted by aliens. The first U.S. abduction had taken place in 1961, in New Hampshire. An interracial couple named Barney and Betty Hill had been in their Chevy along Route 3, stargazing through binoculars, when, bang - next thing they knew Betty was being administered what she later called "a pregnancy test," a long needle driven into her stomach. Barney ended up with insomnia and a duodenal ulcer.
They jotted dots on paper, a "star map" to show investigators where their abductors hailed from: Zeta Reticuli 1 and 2. The map had given some - if not conclusive - pause to such an eminent scoffer as Carl Sagan of Cornell University. One psychiatrist who examined the Hills opined that their experience had resulted from some unresolved conflicts having to do with their interracial status. The UFO debunker Philip Klass put it down to their having been hypnotized by some freak "plasma" that had leached off a nearby high-voltage power line, the first time in history that a religious experience had been attributed to a New Hampshire utility company.
That was the problem with alien visitations - everyone had a rational explanation for what had happened, except of course the peopl e who'd been nabbed. Even Carl J ung had an explanation. He'd gone to the trouble of writing a book about the whole phenomenon in 1959. According to Jung, we were at the end of one era and the beginning of another, witnessing nothin g less than a powerful mythogen esis, the birth of a new religion. Earlier generations would have called them gods - we gave them an acronym: UFO's. He said they were a phenomenon deeply embedded in the consciousness of mankind, the eternal and inexhaustible craving for "salvation from above."
Banion leaned back in his chair as Elspeth's briefing continued. Salvation from a bove? Okay, fine. But he. John O . Banion, personally had no need to be saved from above, much less by little green gods. They might do for the masses but not for a reasonably churchgoing Episcopalian such as himself. Banion didn't spend all that much time in church - Christmas and Easter were enough - but when he did get down on his knees, it was before Him who died on the Cross, not some bug-eyed albino from
She was good, this one. She had enthusiasm, more than Banion would have mustered himself for the peanuts he paid his Georgetown researchers. It almost shamed him. But the chance to work for John O . Banion as a mere graduate student - who knew where that could lead? Possibly to even more low-paying grunt work as a production assistant on his TV show.
"Mr. Banion?"
"Um ?" He'd been daydreaming. He sat up straight. "Yes, that could be promising. Check with Renira on what we can pay him. You have to be careful with these academic types. They go in for the old bait and switch. Tell you there's a map somewhere proving the Mesopotamians discovered America and string you along forever. Fix a price beforehand for the letter on delivery, and hold him to it. Don't let him sweet-talk you. Be careful - he's French. And insist on a photocopy of the document. Better get something from NIH** * on what they were doing in the eighteenth century for. . . syphilis." She was pretty and young. He felt uncomfortable talking about venereal disease with her. He threw in an uncharacteristic "Fine work. Elspeth."
"Thank you, sir.
"I'm wondering what kind of treatment Franklin advised," she said. "Tying a kite string to his penis in an electrical storm?"
* "My littl e problem."
** "A good course of electrical therapy." What precisely Franklin had in mind is not clear. "
*** National Institutes of Health .
Banion blushed.
"This UFO material," he said gravely. "Why don't you digest it for me?"
She had come prepared. She gave him an excellent tour of the fuzzy horizon of the UFO world, beginning with the First sightings in 1947, up to the present day, when one could actually purchase an insurance policy in the event of being abducted by aliens. The first U.S. abduction had taken place in 1961, in New Hampshire. An interracial couple named Barney and Betty Hill had been in their Chevy along Route 3, stargazing through binoculars, when, bang - next thing they knew Betty was being administered what she later called "a pregnancy test," a long needle driven into her stomach. Barney ended up with insomnia and a duodenal ulcer.
They jotted dots on paper, a "star map" to show investigators where their abductors hailed from: Zeta Reticuli 1 and 2. The map had given some - if not conclusive - pause to such an eminent scoffer as Carl Sagan of Cornell University. One psychiatrist who examined the Hills opined that their experience had resulted from some unresolved conflicts having to do with their interracial status. The UFO debunker Philip Klass put it down to their having been hypnotized by some freak "plasma" that had leached off a nearby high-voltage power line, the first time in history that a religious experience had been attributed to a New Hampshire utility company.
That was the problem with alien visitations - everyone had a rational explanation for what had happened, except of course the peopl e who'd been nabbed. Even Carl J ung had an explanation. He'd gone to the trouble of writing a book about the whole phenomenon in 1959. According to Jung, we were at the end of one era and the beginning of another, witnessing nothin g less than a powerful mythogen esis, the birth of a new religion. Earlier generations would have called them gods - we gave them an acronym: UFO's. He said they were a phenomenon deeply embedded in the consciousness of mankind, the eternal and inexhaustible craving for "salvation from above."
Banion leaned back in his chair as Elspeth's briefing continued. Salvation from a bove? Okay, fine. But he. John O . Banion, personally had no need to be saved from above, much less by little green gods. They might do for the masses but not for a reasonably churchgoing Episcopalian such as himself. Banion didn't spend all that much time in church - Christmas and Easter were enough - but when he did get down on his knees, it was before Him who died on the Cross, not some bug-eyed albino from
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