prayer. “Lord, it has been a rough few months with the loss of my sister, Molly, Dan and Lexi. Lord we are thankful Hadley is here with us.” She squeezes my hand. “Blessed is the Lord our God. Thank you for this food. Amen.”
Everyone says amen but me. I’m trying to hold back tears as I pick up my fork but one rolls down my cheek. The food tastes like sawdust as I chew and listen to the voices around me. It hits me now that my mind doesn’t have any tasks to keep it from thinking. The guilt I feel for being here and the guilt I feel for being happy for a few hours is excruciating. I can’t do this anymore. Throwing the fork down I look up to see Avery watching me rudely I stand up, leaving the table and walk out the front door.
I put my ear buds in my ear and turn on Disturbed, letting them yell in my ear and drown out the images of the past. I don’t even pay attention to where I’m walking until strong arms wrap around me pulling me to them. I don’t even realize tears are falling down my cheeks until I feel hands wiping the tears off my face.
Inhaling the spicy scent I know immediately that Avery has yet again come to my rescue. Leaning my head on his chest in the middle of an empty field he puts his arms around me and lets me cry and rant at the world. He stays still and rubs my back. Pulling off my ear buds he walks me over to a bench on the edge of the grass. Sitting down he starts talking about the most random things. Like he told me once when he was six he insisted on wearing a dress to school and he once put glue on his teacher’s chair. We stay that way for over an hour with him talking and me listening with my head on his shoulder. Somehow he understands what I need more than myself.
Chapter Eleven
Today is D-Day a.k.a. doctor day. Yay. Not. The problem with going to the doctors is well—they are doctors. I never used to have an issue with them but now I get a case of the shakes just thinking about going there.
“You can do this. You are a strong woman. Are you a woman or a mouse? It’s a stupid doctor’s office.” Staring at myself in the mirror while giving myself my pep talk that honestly really doesn’t help I breathe in deeply.
This time it only took me ten minutes to get into the car and no medicine, only one paper bag to breathe in repeatedly, but I’m in the car and it’s moving and I’m not trying to jump out of it. Granted my eyes are shut but let’s focus on the fact that I’m in the car.
Fortunately, the drive to the doctor’s office doesn’t take very long. I’m not sure how I feel about the stitches coming out. It feels wrong I’m in the getting better physically stage. Stupid I know. With much trepidation I reluctantly get out of the car and wait for Jenny to bring me my crutches.
Walking into the doctor’s office the antiseptic smell hits me straight in the face it’s like walking into an invisible wall of smell. You know that hospital smell? Trying not to inhale by holding my breath I cough and end up inhaling the smell deeply and that sets off all sorts of alarms in my mind. I feel my heart starting to gallop. I have to get out of that office, turning I leave my aunt without a word and walk back out the door letting it slam shut.
Leaning against the wall I start counting back from one hundred, trying to ward off the panic. That smell has been etched in my memory since I woke up in the hospital. My heart continues to pound and all I want is to leave. My fight or flight response is begging me to get out now. Looking towards the glowing red exit sign I start to walk towards it. I’m not sure I can handle this appointment without having another panic attack. I feel someone’s hand on my shoulder and look over to see Jenny standing there.
“What happened?”
“It’s the smell, I can’t handle the smell. It brings back so many God awful memories. I can’t go back in there.” I grab her arm, fingernails digging in as I plead with her to let me
Everyone says amen but me. I’m trying to hold back tears as I pick up my fork but one rolls down my cheek. The food tastes like sawdust as I chew and listen to the voices around me. It hits me now that my mind doesn’t have any tasks to keep it from thinking. The guilt I feel for being here and the guilt I feel for being happy for a few hours is excruciating. I can’t do this anymore. Throwing the fork down I look up to see Avery watching me rudely I stand up, leaving the table and walk out the front door.
I put my ear buds in my ear and turn on Disturbed, letting them yell in my ear and drown out the images of the past. I don’t even pay attention to where I’m walking until strong arms wrap around me pulling me to them. I don’t even realize tears are falling down my cheeks until I feel hands wiping the tears off my face.
Inhaling the spicy scent I know immediately that Avery has yet again come to my rescue. Leaning my head on his chest in the middle of an empty field he puts his arms around me and lets me cry and rant at the world. He stays still and rubs my back. Pulling off my ear buds he walks me over to a bench on the edge of the grass. Sitting down he starts talking about the most random things. Like he told me once when he was six he insisted on wearing a dress to school and he once put glue on his teacher’s chair. We stay that way for over an hour with him talking and me listening with my head on his shoulder. Somehow he understands what I need more than myself.
Chapter Eleven
Today is D-Day a.k.a. doctor day. Yay. Not. The problem with going to the doctors is well—they are doctors. I never used to have an issue with them but now I get a case of the shakes just thinking about going there.
“You can do this. You are a strong woman. Are you a woman or a mouse? It’s a stupid doctor’s office.” Staring at myself in the mirror while giving myself my pep talk that honestly really doesn’t help I breathe in deeply.
This time it only took me ten minutes to get into the car and no medicine, only one paper bag to breathe in repeatedly, but I’m in the car and it’s moving and I’m not trying to jump out of it. Granted my eyes are shut but let’s focus on the fact that I’m in the car.
Fortunately, the drive to the doctor’s office doesn’t take very long. I’m not sure how I feel about the stitches coming out. It feels wrong I’m in the getting better physically stage. Stupid I know. With much trepidation I reluctantly get out of the car and wait for Jenny to bring me my crutches.
Walking into the doctor’s office the antiseptic smell hits me straight in the face it’s like walking into an invisible wall of smell. You know that hospital smell? Trying not to inhale by holding my breath I cough and end up inhaling the smell deeply and that sets off all sorts of alarms in my mind. I feel my heart starting to gallop. I have to get out of that office, turning I leave my aunt without a word and walk back out the door letting it slam shut.
Leaning against the wall I start counting back from one hundred, trying to ward off the panic. That smell has been etched in my memory since I woke up in the hospital. My heart continues to pound and all I want is to leave. My fight or flight response is begging me to get out now. Looking towards the glowing red exit sign I start to walk towards it. I’m not sure I can handle this appointment without having another panic attack. I feel someone’s hand on my shoulder and look over to see Jenny standing there.
“What happened?”
“It’s the smell, I can’t handle the smell. It brings back so many God awful memories. I can’t go back in there.” I grab her arm, fingernails digging in as I plead with her to let me
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