Read Online Lies That Chelsea Handler Told Me by Chelsea Handler - Free Book Online

Then I thought that Chelsea’s character could be a single career woman who could have sex only when heavily intoxicated, because otherwise the sight of a naked penis made her remember her mother’s space shuttle. Meryl Streep would come down from heaven wearing the space shuttle outfit and give her daughter dating advice, eventually helping her overcome her fear of intimacy. Finally, in the end, Chelsea’s character would come full circle and end up with an astronaut.
    A few days later, in Chelsea’s dressing room, while I was taking dresses off her rolling rack and holding them up to myself in the mirror, Chelsea said, “Meryl Streep backed out of the film, but they replaced her with Sigourney Weaver.”
    “Well, that’s still great. She’s amazing and actually she seems more like a teacher-slash-astronaut type, you know, since she was in all those Alien movies. I can definitely see her in the jumpsuit outfit.”
    “Did Guy tell you the studio is taking submissions?” she asked.
    “Yes, I’m still thinking about it. What your character might be like growing up without a mother while constantly being reminded of her bravery in the sky.”
    “Now it looks like Justin Timberlake may be in it, too,” Chelsea informed me as she applied lotion to her face.
    “Justin Timberlake? Who is he going to play?” I asked.
    “They don’t know. They just know that they want him, but the good news is he’s a huge outer space fan, so he’ll probably do it.”
    “Like Tom Hanks. Tom Hanks was a huge space program fan. That’s why he made that movie about Houston having a problem.”
    “I told the studio Justin should play my little brother, and they loved that idea,” Chelsea said as she began to tweeze her eyebrows.
    “Chelsea, I don’t know if Justin is old enough to have been alive when the shuttle blew up. But maybe Meryl or now Sigourney Weaver could have had infertility problems after giving birth to you, so she had some embryos frozen, one being Justin Timberlake’s character, and when the shuttle blew up, your dad and you were so heartbroken that he found another woman to carry the embryo and give you a little brother, and you see that surrogate mother as your mother, too. Then you would feel conflicted between talking to your real mother from the dead and the surrogate mother for Justin, even though your real mother is giving you dating advice.”
    “That’s good, Heather,” she said.
    I was surprised. “Really, I was just rambling, trying to have this thing make sense.”
    “I like that she gives me dating advice, and maybe every time my character hears a sonic boom she—”
    I cut her off. “She goes into one of many different personalities. That’s how we could make it a comedy. You developed multiple personality disorder after the tragedy, and things about the space program, along with different planets, trigger the different personalities to come out. As an actress, a comedic actress, this could be amazing for you to play,” I told her excitedly.
    “That is good. Start putting a beat sheet together and then let Tom and me see it.”
    “Okay,” I said as I walked out of her office. As excited as Chelsea was about my ideas, I still thought the whole movie was weird, but at least I was coming up with something. Just as I returned to my desk, my phone rang. I saw Chelsea Handler appear on the phone’s screen and my heart skipped a beat.
    “Hi,” I said as I picked it up.
    “Hey, I really like your ideas about me having multiple personalities. How soon can you get them to me?”
    “Can I have the weekend?” I asked meekly.
    “Sure.” And then I heard a click.
    When I got home I told Peter how Chelsea loved my ideas for the movie and wanted something by Monday. My son had a game on Saturday, so I planned to write on Sunday. Peter would take the boys golfing so I could have the house to myself.
    Sunday morning I got a call from my best friend, who is best friends with Kris Jenner. She told