Read Online Let Me Off at the Top!: My Classy Life and Other Musings by Ron Burgundy - Free Book Online Page A
Book: Let Me Off at the Top!: My Classy Life and Other Musings by Ron Burgundy
Read Free Book Online
Authors: Ron Burgundy
Tags: Humour
Ads: Link
potions and spells in harmful ways and just generally engaging in mischief. In my opinionthe safety issue outweighs the cool benefits of having a wizard around. I struck meteorology off the list and we went looking for our man.
The guys spread out, going to city parks, drinking fountains, bus stops, places where there were ducks—no stone was left unturned. Champ brought back a guy who on the surface looked pretty good, but when he was fully vetted it was discovered he had been working in a petroleum refinery and had been exposed to way too many gas leaks. Ed Harken found a timid-looking fortysomething man feeding bread crumbs to ducks out of an Aquaman lunch box but every time he tried to approach him the guy ran away like a scared deer. Brian just took off looking for tail and wasn’t much help at all.
Turns out lady luck was with me again. She has always favored Ron Burgundy and I have honored her with many burning sacrifices. I found Brick Tamland sitting on a park bench listening to a baseball game through a tiny transistor radio. I knew he was our guy from the moment I saw him. I asked him about the game and lo and behold, he produced a turtle from his pocket and told me his name was “Turtle.” The rest of the conversation went something like this:
Brick
I have a head and feet too.
Me
What’s that?
Brick
I am inside my head and outside my head.
Me
My name is Ron Burgundy.
Brick
My name is name.
Me
I’m a News Anchor.
Brick
I know one thing for sure.…
Me
What’s that?
Brick
It’s a funny sunny funny day.
Truer words have never been spoken. In fact, since the very first days on record, there never has been anything but a sunny day in San Diego. Every day in San Diego is exactly the same as the day before. Here was the perfect guy. When I asked him where he lived his first response was to point at me and yell, “Stranger! Danger!” But when he saw I wasn’t going anywhere he checked inside his elastic underwear band and read where it said “Brick Tamland, 410 Meadow Lane, San Diego, California, USA.”
The man was a natural. He stood in front of a map and smiled and told everyone that today was sunny and tomorrow was also going to be sunny. He did fun segments with elementary school kids and old people. He went to petting zoos and raffled weather maps for charity, and every day hedid the birthday list off the top of his head. Was he mentally challenged? Sure. Did we know it then? Of course not. We had mentally challenged people playing football, working in aviation, appointed secretary of agriculture. Mentally challenged folks taught high school shop, made excellent nurses and wrote television shows. It was a simpler time. Have we progressed since then? It’s a good question. Brick Tamland is my friend and he’s a retard.
With Brick in place we had it. We had the entire news team. Our domination in the San Diego area went unchecked for years. We were beyond legendary. We were gods. No statement of fact has ever been more factual than this one: We were the best news team that ever lived.
THE NIGHT I MADE LOVE TO BRUCE LEE
Here’s a quick story that I just have to tell. In 1973 martial arts champion and actor Bruce Lee came to San Diego to promote his new film,
Enter the Dragon
. I’ve always been a fan of the martial arts. I love the kicking and the flipping and the hitting. It really gets the heart pumping. I can’t say I’ve mastered martial arts. I’ve taken karate classes and I do have a green belt. The problem for me is if I get into a fight I tend to improvise a lot. The karate goes out the window and I end up throwing O’Leary and Johnson around like a drunken idiot. I wish I were a karate expert like Bruce Lee. Sometimes I imaginemyself in a situation with a briefcase full of important top secret documents and seven Asian guys have surrounded me in an attempt to steal the briefcase. I then pretend that I must fight them off using martial arts. I usually win, but not
The guys spread out, going to city parks, drinking fountains, bus stops, places where there were ducks—no stone was left unturned. Champ brought back a guy who on the surface looked pretty good, but when he was fully vetted it was discovered he had been working in a petroleum refinery and had been exposed to way too many gas leaks. Ed Harken found a timid-looking fortysomething man feeding bread crumbs to ducks out of an Aquaman lunch box but every time he tried to approach him the guy ran away like a scared deer. Brian just took off looking for tail and wasn’t much help at all.
Turns out lady luck was with me again. She has always favored Ron Burgundy and I have honored her with many burning sacrifices. I found Brick Tamland sitting on a park bench listening to a baseball game through a tiny transistor radio. I knew he was our guy from the moment I saw him. I asked him about the game and lo and behold, he produced a turtle from his pocket and told me his name was “Turtle.” The rest of the conversation went something like this:
Brick
I have a head and feet too.
Me
What’s that?
Brick
I am inside my head and outside my head.
Me
My name is Ron Burgundy.
Brick
My name is name.
Me
I’m a News Anchor.
Brick
I know one thing for sure.…
Me
What’s that?
Brick
It’s a funny sunny funny day.
Truer words have never been spoken. In fact, since the very first days on record, there never has been anything but a sunny day in San Diego. Every day in San Diego is exactly the same as the day before. Here was the perfect guy. When I asked him where he lived his first response was to point at me and yell, “Stranger! Danger!” But when he saw I wasn’t going anywhere he checked inside his elastic underwear band and read where it said “Brick Tamland, 410 Meadow Lane, San Diego, California, USA.”
The man was a natural. He stood in front of a map and smiled and told everyone that today was sunny and tomorrow was also going to be sunny. He did fun segments with elementary school kids and old people. He went to petting zoos and raffled weather maps for charity, and every day hedid the birthday list off the top of his head. Was he mentally challenged? Sure. Did we know it then? Of course not. We had mentally challenged people playing football, working in aviation, appointed secretary of agriculture. Mentally challenged folks taught high school shop, made excellent nurses and wrote television shows. It was a simpler time. Have we progressed since then? It’s a good question. Brick Tamland is my friend and he’s a retard.
With Brick in place we had it. We had the entire news team. Our domination in the San Diego area went unchecked for years. We were beyond legendary. We were gods. No statement of fact has ever been more factual than this one: We were the best news team that ever lived.
THE NIGHT I MADE LOVE TO BRUCE LEE
Here’s a quick story that I just have to tell. In 1973 martial arts champion and actor Bruce Lee came to San Diego to promote his new film,
Enter the Dragon
. I’ve always been a fan of the martial arts. I love the kicking and the flipping and the hitting. It really gets the heart pumping. I can’t say I’ve mastered martial arts. I’ve taken karate classes and I do have a green belt. The problem for me is if I get into a fight I tend to improvise a lot. The karate goes out the window and I end up throwing O’Leary and Johnson around like a drunken idiot. I wish I were a karate expert like Bruce Lee. Sometimes I imaginemyself in a situation with a briefcase full of important top secret documents and seven Asian guys have surrounded me in an attempt to steal the briefcase. I then pretend that I must fight them off using martial arts. I usually win, but not
Similar Books
![Good Will Ghost Hunting: Demon Seed [Good Will Ghost Hunting 1] (Siren Publishing Classic)](https://fs.dianahicksbooks.com/580509/thumbs/152x264/good-will-ghost-hunting-demon-seed-good-will-ghost-hunting-1-siren-publishing-classic.png)
