easily, ‘but between us we have far more money than we ever expected to be earning. Certainly enough for us to enjoy a regular family holiday without worrying about the cost.’
I felt a flicker of excitement and, glancing at Jon, I thought how lucky I was to have him. I’d always loved him, but I thought I loved him more now than ever. He was strong, dependable, the rock at the foundation of our marriage.
‘I love you,’ I said, placing my hand on his thigh and squeezing, and then I added over my shoulder, ‘both of you,’ and then smiled as I realised that Will was sound asleep.
‘Soundo, is he?’ Jon glanced in the rear-view mirror. ‘Never takes long does it? Takes after his old man…,’
There was a pause before Jon continued, and I discovered I had stopped breathing.
‘Yeah, definitely takes after me for being able to practically fall asleep on a clothes line.’
I started breathing again, and even managed a light laugh, before reminding him of the time he’d been coming back by train, late at night, from a business meeting in London, and hadn’t woken up until the train reached the end of the line in Weymouth.
‘The taxi fare almost broke the bank, as I recall. I won’t be doing that again in a hurry.’
‘Still, it was worth it,’ I recalled, ‘for the news you brought with you. Your little business being bought out at a handsome profit and the offer of a well-paid job with the company you sold out to on a salary that made our eyes pop. News like that takes some topping.’
Jon was smiling – as I was, too – while we were talking, but then his expression suddenly became serious. ‘It should have been a great time for us, and it would have been if only I hadn’t been so obsessed with the fact we weren’t conceiving.’
‘Jon, don’t.’ I touched his arm, already knowing what was coming next and dreading it.
‘But I behaved like an idiot, Wendy, and we both know it. I just didn’t want to accept what I was being told. Yet even from the early tests it was quite clear that the fault was mine.’
‘It was no one’s fault ,’ I insisted.
Jon continued as if I hadn’t spoken, ‘I couldn’t bear it – the thought that you might leave me if I couldn’t give you a child – and so I made it all about you. Going so far as to convince you that your weight was the problem – I mean, what weight? I can’t believe now that I could be so cruel.’
‘Please don’t, Jon,’ I found myself begging, just trying to make him stop torturing himself and in the process torturing me about a time I was desperate to forget.
‘If it hadn’t been for Tina, straight-talking Tina, telling me how it was, I might really have lost you.’
‘You wouldn’t have lost me, Jon, because I did understand that you were behaving that way because the low sperm result make you feel insecure – less of a man, even – but you could never be less than a man to me.’
‘Liar,’ a voice shrieked inside my head, and then it continued ruthlessly, refusing to be ignored, ‘He couldn’t get you pregnant and you thought he was having an affair. You used both of those things to excuse the fact you behaved like a complete slut – and you were ruthless enough to make sure to spent your night of unbridled passion with someone who stood an excellent chance of making you pregnant and - bingo, you were proved right.’
‘But I was less of a man to me ,’ Jon indicated himself with a hand pressed to his chest, ‘and I behaved like one. I really don’t know how you put up with me.’ He smiled suddenly, and it lit up his blue eyes, ‘but you did and after that it was better than it ever had been between us and then – then – we found out Will was on the way. Yes, I know we agreed we could live without children, but look what we would have been missing.’
We looked at each other, and there were tears in both of our eyes. Thank goodness Jon could not have known that my tears couldn’t match the
I felt a flicker of excitement and, glancing at Jon, I thought how lucky I was to have him. I’d always loved him, but I thought I loved him more now than ever. He was strong, dependable, the rock at the foundation of our marriage.
‘I love you,’ I said, placing my hand on his thigh and squeezing, and then I added over my shoulder, ‘both of you,’ and then smiled as I realised that Will was sound asleep.
‘Soundo, is he?’ Jon glanced in the rear-view mirror. ‘Never takes long does it? Takes after his old man…,’
There was a pause before Jon continued, and I discovered I had stopped breathing.
‘Yeah, definitely takes after me for being able to practically fall asleep on a clothes line.’
I started breathing again, and even managed a light laugh, before reminding him of the time he’d been coming back by train, late at night, from a business meeting in London, and hadn’t woken up until the train reached the end of the line in Weymouth.
‘The taxi fare almost broke the bank, as I recall. I won’t be doing that again in a hurry.’
‘Still, it was worth it,’ I recalled, ‘for the news you brought with you. Your little business being bought out at a handsome profit and the offer of a well-paid job with the company you sold out to on a salary that made our eyes pop. News like that takes some topping.’
Jon was smiling – as I was, too – while we were talking, but then his expression suddenly became serious. ‘It should have been a great time for us, and it would have been if only I hadn’t been so obsessed with the fact we weren’t conceiving.’
‘Jon, don’t.’ I touched his arm, already knowing what was coming next and dreading it.
‘But I behaved like an idiot, Wendy, and we both know it. I just didn’t want to accept what I was being told. Yet even from the early tests it was quite clear that the fault was mine.’
‘It was no one’s fault ,’ I insisted.
Jon continued as if I hadn’t spoken, ‘I couldn’t bear it – the thought that you might leave me if I couldn’t give you a child – and so I made it all about you. Going so far as to convince you that your weight was the problem – I mean, what weight? I can’t believe now that I could be so cruel.’
‘Please don’t, Jon,’ I found myself begging, just trying to make him stop torturing himself and in the process torturing me about a time I was desperate to forget.
‘If it hadn’t been for Tina, straight-talking Tina, telling me how it was, I might really have lost you.’
‘You wouldn’t have lost me, Jon, because I did understand that you were behaving that way because the low sperm result make you feel insecure – less of a man, even – but you could never be less than a man to me.’
‘Liar,’ a voice shrieked inside my head, and then it continued ruthlessly, refusing to be ignored, ‘He couldn’t get you pregnant and you thought he was having an affair. You used both of those things to excuse the fact you behaved like a complete slut – and you were ruthless enough to make sure to spent your night of unbridled passion with someone who stood an excellent chance of making you pregnant and - bingo, you were proved right.’
‘But I was less of a man to me ,’ Jon indicated himself with a hand pressed to his chest, ‘and I behaved like one. I really don’t know how you put up with me.’ He smiled suddenly, and it lit up his blue eyes, ‘but you did and after that it was better than it ever had been between us and then – then – we found out Will was on the way. Yes, I know we agreed we could live without children, but look what we would have been missing.’
We looked at each other, and there were tears in both of our eyes. Thank goodness Jon could not have known that my tears couldn’t match the
Similar Books
