Read Online Learning to Stand by Claudia Hall Christian - Free Book Online Page A

for anger or judgment. She saw only love on his
beautiful face. Burying her head in his shoulder, she sighed.
    “ What’s it like to be
pregnant?”
    “ Weird, fun, exciting. It’s
like a little butterfly lives in my diaphragm.”
    “ You’re not tired or sick?”
he asked
    “ No. I feel…
excited.”
    “ We talked about having kids
when we were first married.”
    “ That was a long time ago
and… well… we don’t have kids.”
    “ We’ve been kind of busy.”
John chuckled. “My school, your work, my work, your injury, your
work, my work...”
    “ How do you feel about all
of this?”
    “ I feel… a lot of different
things. Relieved. I’m an idiot, but I convinced myself you were
pregnant with Raz’s baby.”
    “ Why would you believe
that?”
    “ He loves you. You love him.
It’s not such a stretch.”
    “ He has a vasectomy, John.
You arranged for Emily to do the procedure.”
    “ I did.” John’s eyes flicked
back and forth from her face. “So you’re saying you and
Raz...”
    “ What is wrong with you? Of
course not.”
    She rolled away from him to stare at the
ceiling. He pulled her back to his shoulder.
    “ You’re not the same,” he
said. “That’s the easiest way to say it. You haven’t been the
same.”
    “ What do you
mean?”
    “ In some ways? You are
stronger, more fun, wild like you used to be before you were
injured. You aren’t depressed anymore. That is for sure. But in
other ways? You’re distant, cooler. I’m terrified you’re closer to
someone else or maybe you don’t want to be with me.”
    She smoothed his curly hair.
    “ I’m exhausted,” she said.
“We’ve done one stupid project after another.”
    She fell silent.
    “ You know that,” she
said.
    “ I do.”
    “ I’m not right, you know, in
my head. God, Eleazar is dead and yet his presence is in every
corner of my life. I don’t have a home. My bees are still at the
old property. Everyone expects me to be strong and capable but I’m
not strong… or capable... I’m supposed to be a leader... I
completely suck at it. All I have is a pile of uninteresting
work.”
    She fell silent. He stroked her
shoulder.
    “ I feel like there’s no safe
place to rest my head,” she whispered.
    Pulling her lips into a tight line, she
wished she had not let the thought out of her head.
    “ You have me.”
    “ Yes, my husband who thinks
I’m fucking my partner.”
    “ I’m sorry. I don’t mean for
my insecurity to injure you.”
    Alex shrugged.
    “ I’m still… recovering…,”
John said. “Yes, recovering is probably the best word. I’m
recovering from losing you last fall. I thought I would never see
you again. I...”
    Alex nodded watching his eyes fill with
unshed tears.
    “ I love you,” he
said.
    She smiled.
    “ How is it for you to be
pregnant?” she asked.
    “ Oh, as usual, I want
to…”
    “… control everything,” they
said together. They laughed.
    “ I’m excited and very sad. I
knew we couldn’t keep him…”
    “ Because of the
depo?”
    “ Because of the depo. But,
oh I don’t know. It’s so… normal to be pregnant. Last year, we’ve
had a real church wedding in front of our families and friends. Now
we’re pregnant... It’s like we’re normal people.”
    John smiled. Alex looked up at his face and
they laughed.
    “ And finally you’re barefoot
and pregnant,” John said. In a flood of speech, he began: “And our
lives will be entwined forever. He’ll be beautiful with his
mother’s brown eyes and my brain. And he’ll grow big and strong. He
will laugh all the time like his mother. We’ll take him to the park
to play on the swings. We’ll buy car seats and baby clothing. Your
breasts will get huge. I’ll work to support us. And...”
    He stopped talking when she sniffed at a
tear. He rolled onto his side. Holding her face, he wiped her tears
with his thumbs.
    “ And I wouldn’t be me. And
you wouldn’t be you. We’d live someone else’s life.”
    “