Read Online Learning to Stand by Claudia Hall Christian - Free Book Online

told Raz. I was a month behind on the map phone.
I’d planned on working at night so he could see
Clarissa.”
    John’s face flushed. He looked away from
her.
    Staring at the ceiling, she felt a wave of
futility overcome her.
    Failing. She was failing again.
    Pulling the covers around her chin, she
steeled herself for the rest of this conversation.
    “ I’m sorry,” he said. “I
haven’t known what to think. I should have asked rather than jumped
to my own conclusions. I’ve been a jerk.”
    “ I understand. I’m sorry I
haven’t told you.”
    “ You were telling me how you
got pregnant.”
    “ The CIA doctor gave me a
chemical which messes with the depo shot. It’s supposed to decrease
my cortisol level. Raz gave me a shot in the morning and one at
night. Remember? We called them ‘zombie shots’ because I was so
numb.”
    “ I remember,” John said. “He
said it was...”
    “ Vitamins. That’s what the
doctor told us. Bodybuilders take it so he called it ‘vitamins.’ It
wasn’t. My brand new gyno, Janelle? She talked to the doctor. My
handler told the doctor I was the only one who could do what I was
doing. The doctor thought the drug would allow me to get through
the week. It probably did. He didn’t know I was on the depo shot.
So that’s how.”
    “ We’re pregnant. You and
I.”
    Alex gave him an exasperated look. Biting
back the nasty comment that lingered on her tongue, she nodded.
When she looked up, John was watching her.
    “ Why didn’t you tell
me?”
    “ Because...” Alex let out a
breath. “The baby is not...”
    She had practiced the words in her head a
thousand times. When it came time to say them out loud, she
couldn’t say them. She looked at his sincere blue eyes and
concerned face. Turning from him, she stared at the ceiling.
    “ You can tell
me.”
    She turned to him.
    “ He has chromosomal damage.
Janelle expected me to miscarry before now. Plus I’m…”
    “ He?” The word burst from
John’s lips.
    “ Simon,” Alex whispered. “I
named him Simon.”
    “ Alex, we…”
    Turning her face back to ceiling, she raised
her hand. He stopped talking.
    “ I know what you’re going to
say. We can’t keep him. Children conceived on the depo shot live
less than a year. How can we bring a being so damaged into this
world? I know. I know. I know.”
    She knew what should be done. She simply
couldn’t bear doing it.
    “ I’ve killed a lot of
people… adults… who were trying to kill me. But I can’t kill him. I
can’t kill him. I just can’t so don’t tell me to.”
    “ Why is Raz
upset?”
    “ He feels responsible.” She
rolled onto her side to look at him. He stroked her face. “He knows
how much I want a child. And...”
    “ That’s why you didn’t tell
me.”
    “ You’ll want to do what’s
right.” Alex shrugged. “But what feels right is to let him live, as
long as he can, and let God decide.”
    “ God. Yes, well. You’ve
spoken with Father Seamus?”
    “ No way. He’d find some way
to tell Mom.” Alex curled her lip at the idea of her mother getting
involved in this situation. Shrugging off her mother induced
irritation, she added, “I spent an afternoon with Brother Keith at
the friary.”
    “ You worked in the garden at
the Capuchin Franciscan friary one day last week,” John said. “What
did Brother Keith say?”
    “ He said the Pope is very
clear on this subject but God is less clear.”
    “ Sounds like Brother
Keith.”
    Speaking no louder than a whisper, she
continued, “He asked me what I would do if a loved one was mortally
wounded and suffering. Would I end his pain? Or let God decide? By
keeping Simon, was I being compassionate or selfish? God would want
me to be compassionate.”
    John’s eyes caressed her face. With his hand
at the side of her face, he leaned forward to kiss her.
    “ It’s a terrible burden to
carry alone. May I share this burden with you?”
    Alex looked up at him. Her eyes scoured his
face looking