“I used to need these pills, lithium ones, to make me SAAAAANE,” and he leaned down toward the glass tabletop so that he was an inch away from the glass, his breath making the glass go foggy. “But not any more. The doctor was wrong about those pills, and I’m feeling grrrrreat,” and I thought for a bit and said, “Isn’t lithium on the science periodic table?” and he sat back up with his eyes still on the screen. “Hey, you know, I just thought of something that’s pretty wild,” and then he was quiet for a bit while he played, but I could tell he was thinking about something.
“Okay, so listen,” he said finally. “This game is like a metaphor or whatever for, like, procreation, you know, making babies,” and I didn’t say anything because I didn’t know what the hell he was talking about, “and the pellets … are like spermatozoons, right, and Ms. Pac-Man is trying to get pregnant because shehas a baby before the Junior screen, right? This is totally it! And so she’s like searching out for the right spermatozoon,” and I said, “What’s a spermatozoon ?” and he said, “It’s the full name for a sperm. Cool, huh? I call ’em zoons,” and he didn’t wait for a reply. “So instead of all the zoons doing the swimming and searching, Ms. Pac-Man’s searching and searching for the right one because she is the Queen Bee or whatever, and so it’s like kind of the reverse because only one zoon makes it to the egg, right? Please tell me you know your birds and bees, kid, otherwise I’m just talking to a wall,” and before I could say anything, he said, “So! The primo pellet, the one that gets her pregnant is the last one she eats. Crazy,” and I had given up trying to say anything and was just looking at him like an idiot.
“And so,” Byron continued, catching his breath, “it’s like life, right, because it’s just random and chaotic and out-of-control, you don’t know which pellet you will finish with in Ms. Pac-Man and you don’t know which sperm is going to swim to the egg to make a baby, but it happens and, bingo, you have a baby and life and death and chaos and all of that crap. … I should write this down,” and I didn’t understand but it sounded pretty smart, so I just kept nodding, and then Byron continued to play silently for a bit.
“Isn’t lithium on the periodic table?” I asked again finally, and he said, “Woo woo woo … Okay, Mr. Brainiac, get your note-book out so I can give you a gold star,” and this really embarrassed me, so I didn’t say anything, and Byron was nearing another big pellet and he said, “That’s not why Bobby beat you up, is it? You weren’t rhyming off the periodic table to him, were you?” and I said, “No,” and he said, “ Really ?” and I said,“Really … It’s because I used to stare at them by my locker, and then I kind of knocked Bobby McIntyre with my hockey bag because he was hogging the sidewalk, but … it was really god with a small g ’s fault.”
And then Byron’s eyes lit up and he went, “Baaaaaaah,” laughing with his mouth wide open, but his eyes were still down on the screen. “Yer hilarious, kid. An undercover brainiac who stares at skinheads and picks fights with them, and then blames it on god with a small effin’ g ,” and then he ate a big pill and started eating the ghosts and he said, “You kind of remind me of me, actually. Balls-to-the-wall, big brains, the whole business,” and I said, “I do?” and he nodded. “Yeah. Keep up the good work, and you’ll get Big Shiny Byron Stars or maybe I’ll just smoke you up someday,” and then I don’t know why but I said, “Why do you take lithium pills?” and then he looked up angrily. “I said I DON’T take lithium pills, Sherlock, and I don’t take lithium pills because I’m fine,” and then his man went right into Blinky, like he almost meant to, but then he smacked his fore-head five times so hard that he had a red mark on it for
“Okay, so listen,” he said finally. “This game is like a metaphor or whatever for, like, procreation, you know, making babies,” and I didn’t say anything because I didn’t know what the hell he was talking about, “and the pellets … are like spermatozoons, right, and Ms. Pac-Man is trying to get pregnant because shehas a baby before the Junior screen, right? This is totally it! And so she’s like searching out for the right spermatozoon,” and I said, “What’s a spermatozoon ?” and he said, “It’s the full name for a sperm. Cool, huh? I call ’em zoons,” and he didn’t wait for a reply. “So instead of all the zoons doing the swimming and searching, Ms. Pac-Man’s searching and searching for the right one because she is the Queen Bee or whatever, and so it’s like kind of the reverse because only one zoon makes it to the egg, right? Please tell me you know your birds and bees, kid, otherwise I’m just talking to a wall,” and before I could say anything, he said, “So! The primo pellet, the one that gets her pregnant is the last one she eats. Crazy,” and I had given up trying to say anything and was just looking at him like an idiot.
“And so,” Byron continued, catching his breath, “it’s like life, right, because it’s just random and chaotic and out-of-control, you don’t know which pellet you will finish with in Ms. Pac-Man and you don’t know which sperm is going to swim to the egg to make a baby, but it happens and, bingo, you have a baby and life and death and chaos and all of that crap. … I should write this down,” and I didn’t understand but it sounded pretty smart, so I just kept nodding, and then Byron continued to play silently for a bit.
“Isn’t lithium on the periodic table?” I asked again finally, and he said, “Woo woo woo … Okay, Mr. Brainiac, get your note-book out so I can give you a gold star,” and this really embarrassed me, so I didn’t say anything, and Byron was nearing another big pellet and he said, “That’s not why Bobby beat you up, is it? You weren’t rhyming off the periodic table to him, were you?” and I said, “No,” and he said, “ Really ?” and I said,“Really … It’s because I used to stare at them by my locker, and then I kind of knocked Bobby McIntyre with my hockey bag because he was hogging the sidewalk, but … it was really god with a small g ’s fault.”
And then Byron’s eyes lit up and he went, “Baaaaaaah,” laughing with his mouth wide open, but his eyes were still down on the screen. “Yer hilarious, kid. An undercover brainiac who stares at skinheads and picks fights with them, and then blames it on god with a small effin’ g ,” and then he ate a big pill and started eating the ghosts and he said, “You kind of remind me of me, actually. Balls-to-the-wall, big brains, the whole business,” and I said, “I do?” and he nodded. “Yeah. Keep up the good work, and you’ll get Big Shiny Byron Stars or maybe I’ll just smoke you up someday,” and then I don’t know why but I said, “Why do you take lithium pills?” and then he looked up angrily. “I said I DON’T take lithium pills, Sherlock, and I don’t take lithium pills because I’m fine,” and then his man went right into Blinky, like he almost meant to, but then he smacked his fore-head five times so hard that he had a red mark on it for
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