enough.”
I’m not sure if he remembers that birthday party or not and I consider asking, but after spending the afternoon and earlier evening talking and reminiscing for hours at Holden’s parents’ house with them and a bunch of other people who had shown up with casseroles and cakes in hand, I realize I don’t really feel up to taking another trip down memory lane just now, even if it is a quick one and along a different route, so I keep my mouth shut. We sit in comfortable silence for a few minutes until I remember the box I was supposed to give to Cole.
“Shit. I have to go to the car,” I announce, leaning sideways to put the cigarette out in the ashtray on the coffee table before moving to stand up, which of course is a rookie mistake. “Mr. And Mrs. St. James gave me a box with a bunch of stuff they thought you might want,” I mumble through my sudden lightheadedness brought on by my first-ever nicotine rush.
“You mean the box you smashed my toes with before you hit me the first time? If so, then it’s over there,” he answers and points a look across the room to where he’d moved it.
The dizziness passes more quickly than I thought it would, but Cole’s teasing reminder of the scene I made finally has my cheeks burning bright and my knees feeling weak. I sink back down to the sofa and then burying my face in my hands, I start crying again, the tears coming unbidden but not unexpected.
“I’m so sorry, Cole…I didn’t mean to go crazy like that. And I didn’t mean whatever I said to you. I mean I was kinda mad at you on the way over here, but I really didn’t think seeing you with a beer in your hand would turn me into whoever that psycho was who probably said all kinds of hateful things.”
Cole leans forward and rather than putting his arm around me or rubbing my back in comfort like most everyone would’ve felt like they had to, he just rests his elbows on his knees and nudges me with his shoulder. “Look at me,” he whispers, and when I drop my hands to my lap and turn my face to his, he continues, “You don’t owe me or anyone else a goddamned thing, least of all an apology. You hear me?”
I nod, sniffling back tears and wiping my nose with my hand. “I’m just so…” I stop and sigh, afraid and not wanting to admit it out loud, but knowing I should—and even more importantly, that I can .
Knowing I can trust him and say anything to him gives me a newfound comfort, so I take a deep breath and plunge forward. “I’m angry, Cole. I am so angry. And I know somewhere in the back part of my mind that’s still capable of rational thought that I can’t blame him for what happened or even be mad at him, because I know he didn’t die on me on purpose, but I can’t help feeling betrayed or something. Like he left me when I didn’t do anything to deserve being abandoned like this. He didn’t give me any warning, he just… left .
“We had plans . Big plans for when I graduated and the rest of our lives that I had my heart set on living out, but I couldn’t even go to my own high school graduation ceremony because I couldn’t hold it together long enough to go without breaking down every five minutes. And instead of spending graduation night with him and finally being together after everything that happened and waiting so long, I had to be medicated in order to even sleep longer than an hour without waking up, screaming my head off and choking on my own tears because he broke his promise to me. A promise he should’ve never made to me because he wasn’t gonna keep it. And I hate him for that.
“I hate him, Cole. I know deep down I’ll always love him, but I hate him right now, and that’s making me hate myself and everyone else.” Between sniffles, I suck in a deep, but shaky breath and look back at Cole, wholly ashamed for giving a voice to my true feelings; feelings that make me desperate to hear the right answer to what I’m about to ask him. “I know you’re
I’m not sure if he remembers that birthday party or not and I consider asking, but after spending the afternoon and earlier evening talking and reminiscing for hours at Holden’s parents’ house with them and a bunch of other people who had shown up with casseroles and cakes in hand, I realize I don’t really feel up to taking another trip down memory lane just now, even if it is a quick one and along a different route, so I keep my mouth shut. We sit in comfortable silence for a few minutes until I remember the box I was supposed to give to Cole.
“Shit. I have to go to the car,” I announce, leaning sideways to put the cigarette out in the ashtray on the coffee table before moving to stand up, which of course is a rookie mistake. “Mr. And Mrs. St. James gave me a box with a bunch of stuff they thought you might want,” I mumble through my sudden lightheadedness brought on by my first-ever nicotine rush.
“You mean the box you smashed my toes with before you hit me the first time? If so, then it’s over there,” he answers and points a look across the room to where he’d moved it.
The dizziness passes more quickly than I thought it would, but Cole’s teasing reminder of the scene I made finally has my cheeks burning bright and my knees feeling weak. I sink back down to the sofa and then burying my face in my hands, I start crying again, the tears coming unbidden but not unexpected.
“I’m so sorry, Cole…I didn’t mean to go crazy like that. And I didn’t mean whatever I said to you. I mean I was kinda mad at you on the way over here, but I really didn’t think seeing you with a beer in your hand would turn me into whoever that psycho was who probably said all kinds of hateful things.”
Cole leans forward and rather than putting his arm around me or rubbing my back in comfort like most everyone would’ve felt like they had to, he just rests his elbows on his knees and nudges me with his shoulder. “Look at me,” he whispers, and when I drop my hands to my lap and turn my face to his, he continues, “You don’t owe me or anyone else a goddamned thing, least of all an apology. You hear me?”
I nod, sniffling back tears and wiping my nose with my hand. “I’m just so…” I stop and sigh, afraid and not wanting to admit it out loud, but knowing I should—and even more importantly, that I can .
Knowing I can trust him and say anything to him gives me a newfound comfort, so I take a deep breath and plunge forward. “I’m angry, Cole. I am so angry. And I know somewhere in the back part of my mind that’s still capable of rational thought that I can’t blame him for what happened or even be mad at him, because I know he didn’t die on me on purpose, but I can’t help feeling betrayed or something. Like he left me when I didn’t do anything to deserve being abandoned like this. He didn’t give me any warning, he just… left .
“We had plans . Big plans for when I graduated and the rest of our lives that I had my heart set on living out, but I couldn’t even go to my own high school graduation ceremony because I couldn’t hold it together long enough to go without breaking down every five minutes. And instead of spending graduation night with him and finally being together after everything that happened and waiting so long, I had to be medicated in order to even sleep longer than an hour without waking up, screaming my head off and choking on my own tears because he broke his promise to me. A promise he should’ve never made to me because he wasn’t gonna keep it. And I hate him for that.
“I hate him, Cole. I know deep down I’ll always love him, but I hate him right now, and that’s making me hate myself and everyone else.” Between sniffles, I suck in a deep, but shaky breath and look back at Cole, wholly ashamed for giving a voice to my true feelings; feelings that make me desperate to hear the right answer to what I’m about to ask him. “I know you’re
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