Lament for a Lost Lover

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Authors: Philippa Carr
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Gervais?”
    “Dear Gervais. He was such an innocent really. He said we would go away together. We would snap our fingers at the family. We would marry and live happily ever after. I told him that he was wonderful and I would love him until I died, but being of a practical nature I was asking myself what we would live on. I knew what hard times could be; Gervais had no notion. I could live by my wits perhaps, but poor Gervais was not endowed very lavishly with those useful assets; and I was appalled by the thought of poverty. When they said he should be cut off, I knew they meant it. After all, when you have several sons, you can dispense with one who displeases you—even if he is the eldest. Besides it serves as a good lesson to the others. Madame d’Amberville had been horrified by what she had witnessed. She implied that she would never be able to look at me again without remembering it.
    “While all this was happening a party of strolling players came to the village. The d’Ambervilles, being of a rather religious turn of mind, had not encouraged players. However, they could not prevent their playing in the village. I went to see them and there I met Jabot. You remember Jabot?”
    “Of course I do. I have a confession to make. I heard you and Fleurette quarrelling about him on the stairs.”
    “So you were eavesdropping.” She laughed aloud. “Now, my not so virtuous Arabella, how can you criticize me? So you overheard us, did you?”
    “Yes, and I saw you trip down the stairs.”
    “Good! That added authenticity to my hurt ankle.”
    “So you went from Gervais to Jabot?”
    “What a difference. Jabot was a man of the world. He was quite an actor. A pity he did not have a better chance to show his talents. Perhaps he will one day. He is ambitious, but women will be his downfall. He can’t resist them and he likes them in variety.”
    “He liked you and Fleurette.”
    “Among a thousand others. But he had talents … Jules Jabot … in many directions. He noticed me at once. I talked to him. I pleaded that I was the maiden in distress. The son of the house had forced his attentions on me and because of this I was asked to leave. Jules Jabot has a romantic streak. He said afterwards I played my part well. I told him, of course, that I came of an acting family and he took me along to Monsieur Lamotte. As a result, when they left I went with them and stayed with them for several months and then one day we came to Château Congrève and you know the rest.”
    “Why did you want to leave them for us?”
    “It was a hard life. I would rather be a successful actress than anything, but not a strolling player. There is little comfort in it. Only those with a love of the profession could do it. Jabot lived on the adulation of the audience. You should have seen him after one of his heroic performances. He strutted like a cockerel. Women will be his downfall. There was always trouble for Jabot about women. He had that something which is irresistible.”
    “What! Another of them!”
    “You mean that I have it?”
    “And your mother …”
    “You may smile, dear Arabella, but one day you may know what I mean. Let me tell you this. You are completely ignorant of the world in which I have lived. It may be that you will always remain so. So many people do.”
    “Not now we have met,” I said soberly.
    She looked at me steadily. “I see,” she said, “that I have brought some change in your life.”
    “What happened with you and Jabot? Was he your lover?” She did not answer but looked at me rather mockingly. “So soon after Gervais?”
    “It was piquant, because he was so different. I loved Gervais. He was so tender, reverent. Jabot was quite different, certain of success and arrogant. And one an aristocrat and the other a poor strolling player. You see what I mean?”
    “There would be a word to describe your conduct, Harriet.”
    “Come, tell me what it is.”
    “Wanton.”
    She laughed aloud this time.

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