Read Online Kissing Doorknobs by Terry Spencer Hesser - Free Book Online
Authors: Terry Spencer Hesser
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hundred and six …” Despite the intense cold, I was sweating.
“Tara!” Her voice didn’t sound mocking this time. She sounded
angry.
I got angry too. It felt as if my body fluids were starting to boil. I silently begged God to make her go away. “A hundred and seven, a hundred and eight …”
“Taarraa!” She was definitely pissed.
Beads of boiling sweat were snowplowing down my back. “A hundred and nine, a hundred and ten …”
“Taaarrraaa!”
She was as stubborn as I was possessed. “A hundred and eleven, a hundred and twelve, a hundred and thirteen, a hundred and fourteen, a hundred and fifteen …”
“Ta—”
“What!” My
response was furious. I was furious. My heart was beating so fast and so loud that I instinctively grabbed at my chest as I looked up to see my friend Keesha standing before me, frowning.
“Girrll, we are so sick of you!”
“Go away!”
“And if I don’t?”
“Please leave me alone, Keesha!” I was amazed at how much I was hating my old friend.
“I don’t think so.”
“Why, Keesha? Why can’t you just leave me alone! Huh?”
Keesha looked at me for a long time. “I did leave you alone. We all did. But you didn’t get better. You didn’t stop. You’re still doin’ all your weird shit. And I think it’s time to stop.”
“You think it’s time to stop!” I exploded, and lunged at her with my hands outstretched. I pushed her real hard. She almost fell down. “
I
don’t care what time
you
think it is!”
I screamed. “Do you think I want to do this! Do you think I like it?”
“You pushed me!”
“Yeah. So what?”
“You’re so afraid of being interrupted that you pushed me!”
“I’m not scared of being interrupted, you jerk! I’m … I’m scared … I’m scared of
being”
I crumpled into a ball and sat down where I was standing. I sat on a crack. Unevenly.
“Who are you anymore, Tara?”
Tears spilled over my frozen lashes and disappeared across my cheekbones. I had never felt so defeated. “I don’t know.”
Keesha leaned in toward me, but I held back. “Please,” I begged. “Leave me alone.”
“Okay.” Her face was a mask of resigned sorrow and confusion. “I will.” It was almost a whisper. And with that she turned around and started to walk away. “We thought you’d get over this …”
We who? Over this!
I felt like fainting. Instead, I screamed so loudly that Keesha froze on the spot.
“Well
…
I’m
…
not!
I’m not over it! In fact … I don’t even know what
it
is!”
“I’m sorry, Tara,” Keesha said kindly. “I just miss you. We all do.”
“I miss you too
…
and I-I miss … I miss me … I miss
me!” The icy sidewalk beneath me felt good in contrast to the heat coming out of my pores. In a fetal position, I rocked myself like a sad baby in a cold white crib. I had no language to describe my pain. I had no company in my pain. I just had pain. Isolating, solitary pain. And loneliness. And humiliation.
Keesha dropped down beside me and held me, cradling my head in her lap. “I’m sorry, Tara. I didn’t mean to make you cry! I just wanted to walk to school with you.”
I sobbed more loudly.
“Shhh. Hey, girl … it’s okay. It’s gonna be okay,” she said softly.
If my
eyes
hadn’t been swollen shut, I still wouldn’t have been able to look her in the face. Her kindness dissolved my very last resistance against hysteria. I didn’t know if I’d ever be able to walk to school with her or anybody else ever again. I missed the way we all used to be, so badly that I felt sick. But the only thing I could do was wail. Breathless, heartbroken, frightened sobs.
10
Bad to Worse
B etween March and June, several horrible things happened almost simultaneously. First and worst was my father’s heart attack.
“Is he going to die?” my sister asked in a tiny, hollow voice as we watched our father being taken away in the ambulance with my mother at his side.
Pain ripped through my
“Tara!” Her voice didn’t sound mocking this time. She sounded
angry.
I got angry too. It felt as if my body fluids were starting to boil. I silently begged God to make her go away. “A hundred and seven, a hundred and eight …”
“Taarraa!” She was definitely pissed.
Beads of boiling sweat were snowplowing down my back. “A hundred and nine, a hundred and ten …”
“Taaarrraaa!”
She was as stubborn as I was possessed. “A hundred and eleven, a hundred and twelve, a hundred and thirteen, a hundred and fourteen, a hundred and fifteen …”
“Ta—”
“What!” My
response was furious. I was furious. My heart was beating so fast and so loud that I instinctively grabbed at my chest as I looked up to see my friend Keesha standing before me, frowning.
“Girrll, we are so sick of you!”
“Go away!”
“And if I don’t?”
“Please leave me alone, Keesha!” I was amazed at how much I was hating my old friend.
“I don’t think so.”
“Why, Keesha? Why can’t you just leave me alone! Huh?”
Keesha looked at me for a long time. “I did leave you alone. We all did. But you didn’t get better. You didn’t stop. You’re still doin’ all your weird shit. And I think it’s time to stop.”
“You think it’s time to stop!” I exploded, and lunged at her with my hands outstretched. I pushed her real hard. She almost fell down. “
I
don’t care what time
you
think it is!”
I screamed. “Do you think I want to do this! Do you think I like it?”
“You pushed me!”
“Yeah. So what?”
“You’re so afraid of being interrupted that you pushed me!”
“I’m not scared of being interrupted, you jerk! I’m … I’m scared … I’m scared of
being”
I crumpled into a ball and sat down where I was standing. I sat on a crack. Unevenly.
“Who are you anymore, Tara?”
Tears spilled over my frozen lashes and disappeared across my cheekbones. I had never felt so defeated. “I don’t know.”
Keesha leaned in toward me, but I held back. “Please,” I begged. “Leave me alone.”
“Okay.” Her face was a mask of resigned sorrow and confusion. “I will.” It was almost a whisper. And with that she turned around and started to walk away. “We thought you’d get over this …”
We who? Over this!
I felt like fainting. Instead, I screamed so loudly that Keesha froze on the spot.
“Well
…
I’m
…
not!
I’m not over it! In fact … I don’t even know what
it
is!”
“I’m sorry, Tara,” Keesha said kindly. “I just miss you. We all do.”
“I miss you too
…
and I-I miss … I miss me … I miss
me!” The icy sidewalk beneath me felt good in contrast to the heat coming out of my pores. In a fetal position, I rocked myself like a sad baby in a cold white crib. I had no language to describe my pain. I had no company in my pain. I just had pain. Isolating, solitary pain. And loneliness. And humiliation.
Keesha dropped down beside me and held me, cradling my head in her lap. “I’m sorry, Tara. I didn’t mean to make you cry! I just wanted to walk to school with you.”
I sobbed more loudly.
“Shhh. Hey, girl … it’s okay. It’s gonna be okay,” she said softly.
If my
eyes
hadn’t been swollen shut, I still wouldn’t have been able to look her in the face. Her kindness dissolved my very last resistance against hysteria. I didn’t know if I’d ever be able to walk to school with her or anybody else ever again. I missed the way we all used to be, so badly that I felt sick. But the only thing I could do was wail. Breathless, heartbroken, frightened sobs.
10
Bad to Worse
B etween March and June, several horrible things happened almost simultaneously. First and worst was my father’s heart attack.
“Is he going to die?” my sister asked in a tiny, hollow voice as we watched our father being taken away in the ambulance with my mother at his side.
Pain ripped through my
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