hardly!
“Are
you serious?” I work to control my voice, biting my tongue to keep it in check.
“I don’t know what unipolar depression is or who you are to think you can just
feed me pills. Yes, I’m sad and maybe this is all lasting longer than even I’d
like, but give me some credit. I’m dealing the best way I can. It’s not like I
have a guide book for this”
He
moves around the island to me and places his hands on my shoulders. I shrug
them off.
“I
know you’re pissed, but there’s no shame in takin’ help before you have to ask?
No one’s judgein’ you. What’s been goin’ on with you isn’t normal. Don’t try to
sell me on it.”
I
back away aggravated. “Luke, I am not depressed!” I reiterate louder. “I’m not
taking pills either!”
The
tension between us is suffocating it’s so thick. I hate that he can look at me
and see something that does not exist. Even more, I hate that something inside
me refuses to tell him my secret. I can’t see past him to the Luke I thought I
knew. I can’t imagine my Luke jumping to such conclusions or doing what he
promised no one would do, judge me.
“Ok, I’ve
got one.” Amber comes into the kitchen, breaking the silence between Luke and
I.
“Do
you know about these?” I ask accusingly, having already decided she is just as
guilty. I hold my hand out so she can see the two little blue pills. She looks
nervously at Luke. Maybe she expected him to have deflected the situation by
now.
“They’ll
help; we’ll help.”
“So
you agree with him. I can’t believe this, you’re both insane!” I’m enraged and
beyond betrayed.
“What
did you want us to do? This is serious stuff. We can’t sit back and close our
eyes.” Amber says in self-defense.
“I
don’t even know what you’re talking about! Your idea of help is comical.
This is a sick joke! You’re both delusional.”
“Why
can’t you—” Amber starts but I cut her off.
“Enlighten
me. How did you manage this? How did you manage to get me so accurately diagnosed?” I feel hot all over and tremble with anger.
“We
told him.”
“You told him? Can you even begin to fathom the way this makes me feel. I’d
never… I can’t even…” I take a deep breath and squeeze my eyes closed, refusing
to let the tears out.
“Then
explain why you smashed your bathroom mirror and were seeing things that
weren’t there at the Pier. Why you passed out at Tommy’s and then went on to
have no sense of how seriously you were hurt. Why you fought with Luke and
Tommy just to ask Mike about a boy at a birthday party that happened five years
ago. Something is wrong Kimber! You’re delusional if you can’t see that!”
I
can see how it all looks from Amber’s point but it doesn’t justify not coming
to me first as a friend. I hate how they stand in front of me, united against
me, afraid for and of me. I shake with anger and blink past the tears pooled in
my eyes. Like a wounded dog, defenseless and cornered I lash out.
“You call
this help but all you’ve done is portrayed me as something I never wanted to
be. And just because there is a part of me you’ll never understand doesn’t mean
that I’m sick. God , I lost my mother, am I not entitled to freaking out
whenever the hell I want? Oh, no, I almost forgot, it’s too inconvenient for
you both. Let’s all just pop some fricken pills and be happy, right? Because
pretending to be someone’s friend is a lot easier than actually putting the
work in.”
“That’s
not fair Kimber.” Luke says still trying to justify their actions.
“Fair!”
I turn directly to Luke. “Was it fair that while I lay unconscious you filled
the doctor with second hand speculation? This shit will permanently be in my
medical record, what don’t you get about that?”
“That
wasn’t our intent.” He closes his eyes to keep from looking at me.
“Are
you serious?” I work to control my voice, biting my tongue to keep it in check.
“I don’t know what unipolar depression is or who you are to think you can just
feed me pills. Yes, I’m sad and maybe this is all lasting longer than even I’d
like, but give me some credit. I’m dealing the best way I can. It’s not like I
have a guide book for this”
He
moves around the island to me and places his hands on my shoulders. I shrug
them off.
“I
know you’re pissed, but there’s no shame in takin’ help before you have to ask?
No one’s judgein’ you. What’s been goin’ on with you isn’t normal. Don’t try to
sell me on it.”
I
back away aggravated. “Luke, I am not depressed!” I reiterate louder. “I’m not
taking pills either!”
The
tension between us is suffocating it’s so thick. I hate that he can look at me
and see something that does not exist. Even more, I hate that something inside
me refuses to tell him my secret. I can’t see past him to the Luke I thought I
knew. I can’t imagine my Luke jumping to such conclusions or doing what he
promised no one would do, judge me.
“Ok, I’ve
got one.” Amber comes into the kitchen, breaking the silence between Luke and
I.
“Do
you know about these?” I ask accusingly, having already decided she is just as
guilty. I hold my hand out so she can see the two little blue pills. She looks
nervously at Luke. Maybe she expected him to have deflected the situation by
now.
“They’ll
help; we’ll help.”
“So
you agree with him. I can’t believe this, you’re both insane!” I’m enraged and
beyond betrayed.
“What
did you want us to do? This is serious stuff. We can’t sit back and close our
eyes.” Amber says in self-defense.
“I
don’t even know what you’re talking about! Your idea of help is comical.
This is a sick joke! You’re both delusional.”
“Why
can’t you—” Amber starts but I cut her off.
“Enlighten
me. How did you manage this? How did you manage to get me so accurately diagnosed?” I feel hot all over and tremble with anger.
“We
told him.”
“You told him? Can you even begin to fathom the way this makes me feel. I’d
never… I can’t even…” I take a deep breath and squeeze my eyes closed, refusing
to let the tears out.
“Then
explain why you smashed your bathroom mirror and were seeing things that
weren’t there at the Pier. Why you passed out at Tommy’s and then went on to
have no sense of how seriously you were hurt. Why you fought with Luke and
Tommy just to ask Mike about a boy at a birthday party that happened five years
ago. Something is wrong Kimber! You’re delusional if you can’t see that!”
I
can see how it all looks from Amber’s point but it doesn’t justify not coming
to me first as a friend. I hate how they stand in front of me, united against
me, afraid for and of me. I shake with anger and blink past the tears pooled in
my eyes. Like a wounded dog, defenseless and cornered I lash out.
“You call
this help but all you’ve done is portrayed me as something I never wanted to
be. And just because there is a part of me you’ll never understand doesn’t mean
that I’m sick. God , I lost my mother, am I not entitled to freaking out
whenever the hell I want? Oh, no, I almost forgot, it’s too inconvenient for
you both. Let’s all just pop some fricken pills and be happy, right? Because
pretending to be someone’s friend is a lot easier than actually putting the
work in.”
“That’s
not fair Kimber.” Luke says still trying to justify their actions.
“Fair!”
I turn directly to Luke. “Was it fair that while I lay unconscious you filled
the doctor with second hand speculation? This shit will permanently be in my
medical record, what don’t you get about that?”
“That
wasn’t our intent.” He closes his eyes to keep from looking at me.
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