say more. When I didn’t, he asked just as softly, “Patrick?”
My throat tightened, and I nodded. It was so unfair to Josh, but my eyes began to water as thought upon thought about my dead husband crashed into me. I held back sniffling for as long as I could muster but gave in when I realized wiping at my nose would be impossible without drawing his attention. “I’m sorry.”
“What are you sorry about? Missing your husband?”
“Yes—”
“He was a good guy, Regina. I’d be disturbed if you didn’t miss him.”
His arms tightened around me, and a floodgate of wishes and dreams opened. “I just wish so much that we’d had a family before he died. He left me behind with nothing but his memory.”
Josh held me, saying nothing further, while I got my emotions in check. A few minutes of silence passed when he asked, “What are your fantasies?”
Despite myself, I smiled. “You already know one.”
Josh’s laughter echoed off the houses around us, and I had to shush him to get him to quiet down. “What is it with women and having that particular one?”
“It’s the fantasy. The illusion of a virile male at his most primitive. His sense of control so strained that he’s forced to extreme measures. Goes back to caveman times when they bopped a woman on the head by way of courtship, I guess.” By now, I was laughing with him, stifling the noise behind my hand in deference to the sleeping people around us.
“Well, I hope I was virile enough for you that night. I’m afraid bopping you on the head just isn’t my style.”
“Oh baby, trust me when I say I have never, and will never, lose faith in your virility.” My lopsided walk for the past few days testified to that.
“Good.”
We lapsed into a comfortable silence, the air thick with the scent of trees whose boughs were laden with leaves. There’s something about that smell. Green. It was different from when the trees actually blossomed with flowers. There was a vitality to them now.
Every once in a while, the smell of chlorine from the Smith’s pool drifted over to me. I faced his house, noting all the dark windows. His place looked like a home to me, a place where a family would grow older together.
As if he listened to my thoughts, Josh said softly, “I hope to have a family one day.”
I didn’t know how to answer him at first. Smiling, I asked, “Is that a proposition?” I felt him squirm behind me, which made me laugh. “Never mind. Don’t answer that.”
“No, what I mean is I think about shit like that. It’s about the only thing that makes me want to finish my dissertation and get some bigwig job somewhere.”
“You should do what will make you happy. Thirty years or so doing physics just because you’re good at it isn’t going to make you happy.”
“Is your job the one you’d planned on doing when you went to school?”
I thought about my conversation with Lou earlier, and the stress vying against Beth had put me under in the last few weeks. “No,” I admitted. “I thought I’d eventually become a teacher. Somehow instead I ended up developing educational programs for school systems. Close but no cigar.”
“Would you become a teacher now if you had the chance?”
“Absolutely.” I turned and pecked him on the cheek. “But this isn’t about me. We’re talking about you and your future. You can support a family doing almost any legal job out there. You just have to figure out what it is you want.”
“Is it okay that all I want right now is you?”
He sounded so young and unsure of himself that I had to face him again. I ran my lips along his neck, turning the drag into little kisses along the way. “As long as it’s okay that I want you too.”
We fell asleep off and on over the next few hours. There were times when he roused, and others when I heard his breathing deepen behind me. At times I watched the world come out of slumber around me, and during others, I jerked awake.
I fully expected
My throat tightened, and I nodded. It was so unfair to Josh, but my eyes began to water as thought upon thought about my dead husband crashed into me. I held back sniffling for as long as I could muster but gave in when I realized wiping at my nose would be impossible without drawing his attention. “I’m sorry.”
“What are you sorry about? Missing your husband?”
“Yes—”
“He was a good guy, Regina. I’d be disturbed if you didn’t miss him.”
His arms tightened around me, and a floodgate of wishes and dreams opened. “I just wish so much that we’d had a family before he died. He left me behind with nothing but his memory.”
Josh held me, saying nothing further, while I got my emotions in check. A few minutes of silence passed when he asked, “What are your fantasies?”
Despite myself, I smiled. “You already know one.”
Josh’s laughter echoed off the houses around us, and I had to shush him to get him to quiet down. “What is it with women and having that particular one?”
“It’s the fantasy. The illusion of a virile male at his most primitive. His sense of control so strained that he’s forced to extreme measures. Goes back to caveman times when they bopped a woman on the head by way of courtship, I guess.” By now, I was laughing with him, stifling the noise behind my hand in deference to the sleeping people around us.
“Well, I hope I was virile enough for you that night. I’m afraid bopping you on the head just isn’t my style.”
“Oh baby, trust me when I say I have never, and will never, lose faith in your virility.” My lopsided walk for the past few days testified to that.
“Good.”
We lapsed into a comfortable silence, the air thick with the scent of trees whose boughs were laden with leaves. There’s something about that smell. Green. It was different from when the trees actually blossomed with flowers. There was a vitality to them now.
Every once in a while, the smell of chlorine from the Smith’s pool drifted over to me. I faced his house, noting all the dark windows. His place looked like a home to me, a place where a family would grow older together.
As if he listened to my thoughts, Josh said softly, “I hope to have a family one day.”
I didn’t know how to answer him at first. Smiling, I asked, “Is that a proposition?” I felt him squirm behind me, which made me laugh. “Never mind. Don’t answer that.”
“No, what I mean is I think about shit like that. It’s about the only thing that makes me want to finish my dissertation and get some bigwig job somewhere.”
“You should do what will make you happy. Thirty years or so doing physics just because you’re good at it isn’t going to make you happy.”
“Is your job the one you’d planned on doing when you went to school?”
I thought about my conversation with Lou earlier, and the stress vying against Beth had put me under in the last few weeks. “No,” I admitted. “I thought I’d eventually become a teacher. Somehow instead I ended up developing educational programs for school systems. Close but no cigar.”
“Would you become a teacher now if you had the chance?”
“Absolutely.” I turned and pecked him on the cheek. “But this isn’t about me. We’re talking about you and your future. You can support a family doing almost any legal job out there. You just have to figure out what it is you want.”
“Is it okay that all I want right now is you?”
He sounded so young and unsure of himself that I had to face him again. I ran my lips along his neck, turning the drag into little kisses along the way. “As long as it’s okay that I want you too.”
We fell asleep off and on over the next few hours. There were times when he roused, and others when I heard his breathing deepen behind me. At times I watched the world come out of slumber around me, and during others, I jerked awake.
I fully expected
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