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age her child from making friends by always finding fault with each of his playmates. Instead of beginning to loosen the reins a little as he becomes older and more mature, she may become even more strict, insisting on knowing at all times where her child is going and with whom. When he begins to take an interest in dating, the possessive parent may become especially threatened and may either forbid her child to date or make him feel that no one is good enough for him.
    Some fathers and stepfathers become very possessive of their daughters. This can come out of a reluctance to acknowledge that one day their “little girl” will grow up and marry. But other times it arises out of the fact that the father is sexually aroused by his daughter and doesn’t want any other man to have her. This kind of father will typi- cally forbid his daughter to date and will be horrified if she wears any- thing that he feels is the slightest bit revealing.

    Emotional Incest
    Other parents become what is called emotionally incestuous with their children. These parents desperately crave their child’s love and atten- tion. Their message to their children, although usually unspoken, is:
    “Above all, always be available to me.” Parents who have been divorced or widowed often attempt to replace the lost spouse with their own child. If a parent treats his or her child like a confidante or friend instead of maintaining a parent/child relationship, this is a form of emotional incest. It is not a child’s role to make parents feel good or to listen to their problems.
    Emotionally incestuous parents turn to their children to satisfy needs that should be satisfied by other adults—namely intimacy, com- panionship, romantic stimulation, advice, problem solving, ego fulfill- ment, and/or emotional release.
    Emotional incest can take many forms. On one end of the spectrum the parent treats the child more like a buddy or a peer. She either becomes childlike herself and may even interfere with her child’s social life (by wanting to hang out with the child’s friends) or she expects her child to act like an adult friend who will talk to her about adult issues and feelings. She may also emotionally “dump” on her child by talking about her problems to the child. This can include complaining to the child about the other parent. Sometimes both parents dump on a child in a way that puts the child in the middle.
    On the other end of the spectrum, the parent turns to a child of the opposite sex for the intimacy and companionship one would nor- mally expect to find in a romantic relationship. There is often a flirta- tious, teasing quality in this relationship and in many cases, an undercurrent of sexuality.

    The Mirror That Smothering or Possessive Parents Hold Up to Their Children
    Smothering or possessive parents do not allow their children the space to grow and develop their unique personalities. Because they do not allow their children to separate from them, they restrict and limit their children’s potential to make something of themselves in the world. Because adult children of smothering parents are overly con- cerned about their parents being devastated when they leave home, many do not do so. The ones who physically leave home often remain emotionally bound to their parents.
    Donna’s parents discouraged her from leaving home by warning her of all the dangers there were for young women. Every evening her father would read some horror story in the local paper about a woman who had gone missing or had been raped. Her parents also stressed that young girls had no business going out to dance clubs. “These young girls are asking for trouble,” they’d say. Donna actually got up the courage to move out when she was twenty-two, right after she graduated from college. She and her friend Mary found an apartment together. But she soon felt compelled to move back home. “Mary went out almost every night and I felt lonely and scared in that apart-