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Authors: Beverly Engel
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Lorraine panics. She is so afraid of doing something wrong that she becomes frozen in fear and is unable to move. It takes her several minutes to come back to herself and by that time she has forgotten what her boss asked her to do.
The mirror that Lorraine’s mother held up led Lorraine to believe that she was powerless and incapable of doing anything right. This prevented Lorraine from developing self-efficacy and positive self-esteem. It also stunted her emotional growth, leaving her feeling like a perpetual child, overwhelmed by authority figures and responsibility.
The tyrannical parent has a cruel and inflexible style of parent- ing. Often every member of the household, including her spouse, is expected to blindly obey her and grant all her wishes, no matter how outrageous. This type of parent usually believes strongly in rules and obedience and that the authority of parents should never be questioned. They attempt to dominate their children completely, needing to feel in control over others in order to feel powerful and important.
Sometimes this controlling behavior is dictated by perfectionism, as was the case with Lorraine’s mother. Other times parents are moti- vated by a sheer need to dominate, often because they were domi- nated by their own parents. They are often passing on the same behavior to their children and ventilating the anger they could not express to their own parents.
A child growing up with an overly controlling parent hears a barrage of commands, orders, and suggestions about anything and everything, including what foods to eat, how to eat them, what clothes to wear, what classes to take in school, or what type of person to date.
Many children feel tyrannized by their parents’ moods. “My father’s moods fluctuated constantly,” my client Tyrone told me during his first session. “We’d be getting along just fine and then suddenly, for no apparent reason, he would blow up and yell at me about some-
thing. Then he’d insist I do something stupid, like go out and mow the lawn, even though it had just been mowed a few days before.”
The Mirror Controlling or Tyrannical Parents Hold Up
Children who grow up with a tyrant for a parent will feel weakened from their encounters with their parents and will inevitably have deep emotional scars from the experience. Like Lorraine, they will doubt their abilities and may feel unbearable pressure when asked to do something, particularly when an authority figure is doing the asking. They often feel stupid, inadequate, and incompetent, and these feel- ings usually discourage them from trying new things or taking risks.
The following e-mail is an example of how controlling parents can break a child’s spirit.
Dear Beverly,
I have read your book The Emotionally Abused Woman and have learned a lot from it. I am a twenty-eight-year-old woman who is still living with my parents. My mother is verbally abusive and there has been an incident of physical abuse. I feel so ashamed to still be living at home at my age, but I don’t have enough money after my monthly bills are paid to seriously save to move out. I left college a year ago because of personal and financial reasons. My parents are extremely disappointed that I didn’t finish, and remind me of that often. I quit college because it would have meant quitting my job and being even more dependent on my parents.
The situation continues to get worse. I cannot stand being around my parents. All my life I have felt inferior. I want to leave but I don’t have the money. I feel I can’t take any more. But my parents say if I would just listen to them, my life would be better. Are they right?
Just as too much physical force can break a child’s bones, too much control can break a child’s spirit and fracture his psyche. It can cause a splintering of self, causing a child to disown some parts of himself and to inflate others.
Children growing up with a tyrannical parent often become what is
The mirror that Lorraine’s mother held up led Lorraine to believe that she was powerless and incapable of doing anything right. This prevented Lorraine from developing self-efficacy and positive self-esteem. It also stunted her emotional growth, leaving her feeling like a perpetual child, overwhelmed by authority figures and responsibility.
The tyrannical parent has a cruel and inflexible style of parent- ing. Often every member of the household, including her spouse, is expected to blindly obey her and grant all her wishes, no matter how outrageous. This type of parent usually believes strongly in rules and obedience and that the authority of parents should never be questioned. They attempt to dominate their children completely, needing to feel in control over others in order to feel powerful and important.
Sometimes this controlling behavior is dictated by perfectionism, as was the case with Lorraine’s mother. Other times parents are moti- vated by a sheer need to dominate, often because they were domi- nated by their own parents. They are often passing on the same behavior to their children and ventilating the anger they could not express to their own parents.
A child growing up with an overly controlling parent hears a barrage of commands, orders, and suggestions about anything and everything, including what foods to eat, how to eat them, what clothes to wear, what classes to take in school, or what type of person to date.
Many children feel tyrannized by their parents’ moods. “My father’s moods fluctuated constantly,” my client Tyrone told me during his first session. “We’d be getting along just fine and then suddenly, for no apparent reason, he would blow up and yell at me about some-
thing. Then he’d insist I do something stupid, like go out and mow the lawn, even though it had just been mowed a few days before.”
The Mirror Controlling or Tyrannical Parents Hold Up
Children who grow up with a tyrant for a parent will feel weakened from their encounters with their parents and will inevitably have deep emotional scars from the experience. Like Lorraine, they will doubt their abilities and may feel unbearable pressure when asked to do something, particularly when an authority figure is doing the asking. They often feel stupid, inadequate, and incompetent, and these feel- ings usually discourage them from trying new things or taking risks.
The following e-mail is an example of how controlling parents can break a child’s spirit.
Dear Beverly,
I have read your book The Emotionally Abused Woman and have learned a lot from it. I am a twenty-eight-year-old woman who is still living with my parents. My mother is verbally abusive and there has been an incident of physical abuse. I feel so ashamed to still be living at home at my age, but I don’t have enough money after my monthly bills are paid to seriously save to move out. I left college a year ago because of personal and financial reasons. My parents are extremely disappointed that I didn’t finish, and remind me of that often. I quit college because it would have meant quitting my job and being even more dependent on my parents.
The situation continues to get worse. I cannot stand being around my parents. All my life I have felt inferior. I want to leave but I don’t have the money. I feel I can’t take any more. But my parents say if I would just listen to them, my life would be better. Are they right?
Just as too much physical force can break a child’s bones, too much control can break a child’s spirit and fracture his psyche. It can cause a splintering of self, causing a child to disown some parts of himself and to inflate others.
Children growing up with a tyrannical parent often become what is
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