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Authors: Karl Pilkington
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mum bl in g . I p ic k e d anot h er b oo k , passe d t h e universe b oo k to h im, an d t h en move d to anot h er ais l e. W h enever I h ear d h is b reat h in g close b y , I moved on. It was like p la y in g a real-life g ame o f P ac-Man, moving up and down the aisles to get away. It’s amazing that the universe is so, so big and yet I couldn’t get awa y f rom t h e h eav y - b reat h in g man. I d eci d e d to l eave .
W h en I g ot h ome I l oo k e d on eBa y to see i f an y zar f s/ z urfs were for sale, but there wasn’t. Instead eBa y direc t e d me to some table mats (18 of them for £ 18) that fe a ture d h istorica l p l aces o f Britain on t h em. T h e counter on t h e b ottom o f t h e screen sai d t h at t h e ta bl e mats h a d b een viewe d 16 times. Ma yb e it was ot h er p eo pl e l oo k in g to b u y some zarfs/zurfs.
I might buy them “just in case”.
The Tutankhamun exhibition
“WE W I LL HA V E R O B O T S doin g the housework”, “we will travel to work on floating skateboards” an d “ fi s h ing ro d s wi ll g l ow in t h e d ar k ”. T h at’s w h at t h e T V p ro g ramme Tomorrow’s World predicted in 1983 for the y ear 2000. T h e y d i d n’t mention an y t h in g a b out b ui ld in g a b ig tent that would be called the Millennium Dome.
I d on’t k now i f y ou’ve ever b een cam p in g , b ut norma lly it’s on ly w h en y ou’ve erecte d t h e tent t h at y ou rea l ize it w asn’t the best p lace to p ut it. I think this is what ha pp ened w it h t h e Mi ll ennium Dome. I saw t h em b ui ld it f rom scratc h cos I l ive d across t h e ot h er si d e o f t h e T h ames f rom its pl ot – a h uge, d ere l ict piece o f toxic waste l an d surroun d e d b y cement f actories, g aswor k s an d f rei gh t containers. Ot h e r than that it was lovel y . Ever y one watched as it took them two years to construct. That’s another thing with tents: always more difficult to put together when you know othe r p eo pl e are watc h in g .
A f ter it a pp eare d , as i f by ma g ic over two y ears, I was l ookin g forward to seein g the inside. We went on a wet S unday afternoon at the end of January 2000 .
I t was b usy outsi d e. Loa d s o f tourists, an d w h ere t h ere are tourists, there are beggars. These were healthier-looking b e gg ars, t h ou gh . I su pp ose tourist s p ots are g oo d areas f or begging as there are lots of people with cash to spend, p lus foreign tourists probably sometimes don’t know how muc h mone y t h e y ’re g ivin g awa y . T h is mi gh t ex pl ain w hy t h e h ome l ess man we p asse d cou ld a ff or d to b e sat eatin g H äa g en-Dazs ice cream. As well as the tourists, there were l ots of screaming kids all excited about being in the much- ta lk e d -a b out Dome. I f e l t l i k e a Wi ll y Won k a winner, a b out to receive an ever l astin g g o b sto pp er. Instea d , I receive d a h eart-sto pp er: TWENTY QUID a tic k et to g et in.
We went through one of the 30 or so gates, which led to a big space under the tent containing more tourists and more screamin g k i d s. T h ere were nois y p ara d es, p eo pl e on sti l ts an d d ancers. T h ere was a h uman b o d y t h at you cou ld w alk throu g h with lots of movin g p arts. A s y ou walked throu g h it, a sinister voice told y ou facts like, “Ever y h u man starts life as a single cell for 30 minutes” and “Humans make one litre of saliva a day”. There was a strange smell in t h e b o dy . I as k e d t h e over ly h a ppy tour g ui d e i f it was ma d e to sme ll l i k e t h e insi d e o f a rea l b o dy . “No”, s h e sai d , “it’s j ust the smell of the g lue that’s holdin g it alto g ether. We can’t get rid of it” .
I n every space t h ere was some sort o f weir d art or d ance g oin g on. Peo pl e were even h an g in g f rom t h e cei l in g ( t h ou gh I’m not sure i f t h e y were p art o f t h e s h ow or p a ying customers who couldn’t
W h en I g ot h ome I l oo k e d on eBa y to see i f an y zar f s/ z urfs were for sale, but there wasn’t. Instead eBa y direc t e d me to some table mats (18 of them for £ 18) that fe a ture d h istorica l p l aces o f Britain on t h em. T h e counter on t h e b ottom o f t h e screen sai d t h at t h e ta bl e mats h a d b een viewe d 16 times. Ma yb e it was ot h er p eo pl e l oo k in g to b u y some zarfs/zurfs.
I might buy them “just in case”.
The Tutankhamun exhibition
“WE W I LL HA V E R O B O T S doin g the housework”, “we will travel to work on floating skateboards” an d “ fi s h ing ro d s wi ll g l ow in t h e d ar k ”. T h at’s w h at t h e T V p ro g ramme Tomorrow’s World predicted in 1983 for the y ear 2000. T h e y d i d n’t mention an y t h in g a b out b ui ld in g a b ig tent that would be called the Millennium Dome.
I d on’t k now i f y ou’ve ever b een cam p in g , b ut norma lly it’s on ly w h en y ou’ve erecte d t h e tent t h at y ou rea l ize it w asn’t the best p lace to p ut it. I think this is what ha pp ened w it h t h e Mi ll ennium Dome. I saw t h em b ui ld it f rom scratc h cos I l ive d across t h e ot h er si d e o f t h e T h ames f rom its pl ot – a h uge, d ere l ict piece o f toxic waste l an d surroun d e d b y cement f actories, g aswor k s an d f rei gh t containers. Ot h e r than that it was lovel y . Ever y one watched as it took them two years to construct. That’s another thing with tents: always more difficult to put together when you know othe r p eo pl e are watc h in g .
A f ter it a pp eare d , as i f by ma g ic over two y ears, I was l ookin g forward to seein g the inside. We went on a wet S unday afternoon at the end of January 2000 .
I t was b usy outsi d e. Loa d s o f tourists, an d w h ere t h ere are tourists, there are beggars. These were healthier-looking b e gg ars, t h ou gh . I su pp ose tourist s p ots are g oo d areas f or begging as there are lots of people with cash to spend, p lus foreign tourists probably sometimes don’t know how muc h mone y t h e y ’re g ivin g awa y . T h is mi gh t ex pl ain w hy t h e h ome l ess man we p asse d cou ld a ff or d to b e sat eatin g H äa g en-Dazs ice cream. As well as the tourists, there were l ots of screaming kids all excited about being in the much- ta lk e d -a b out Dome. I f e l t l i k e a Wi ll y Won k a winner, a b out to receive an ever l astin g g o b sto pp er. Instea d , I receive d a h eart-sto pp er: TWENTY QUID a tic k et to g et in.
We went through one of the 30 or so gates, which led to a big space under the tent containing more tourists and more screamin g k i d s. T h ere were nois y p ara d es, p eo pl e on sti l ts an d d ancers. T h ere was a h uman b o d y t h at you cou ld w alk throu g h with lots of movin g p arts. A s y ou walked throu g h it, a sinister voice told y ou facts like, “Ever y h u man starts life as a single cell for 30 minutes” and “Humans make one litre of saliva a day”. There was a strange smell in t h e b o dy . I as k e d t h e over ly h a ppy tour g ui d e i f it was ma d e to sme ll l i k e t h e insi d e o f a rea l b o dy . “No”, s h e sai d , “it’s j ust the smell of the g lue that’s holdin g it alto g ether. We can’t get rid of it” .
I n every space t h ere was some sort o f weir d art or d ance g oin g on. Peo pl e were even h an g in g f rom t h e cei l in g ( t h ou gh I’m not sure i f t h e y were p art o f t h e s h ow or p a ying customers who couldn’t
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