Read Online Karlology by Karl Pilkington - Free Book Online Page A

we go adding them to words where they aren’t really needed. Xylophone d oesn’t nee d an X, p neumonia d oesn’t nee d a P. It’s l i k e t h e w or d “ q ueue”. W h at’s wit h t h e u-e-u-e? W h ose i d ea was it to add that when it wasn’t needed? W e use all these letters cos we don’t want any to become extinct. We try to save e veryt h ing t h ese d ays: save t h e pan d as, save t h e po l ar b ears, save t h e c h eer l ea d er, save t h e l etter X. I’m sic k o f it .
    I ’ve a l wa y s sai d we’ve now run out o f new inventions cos everything has been invented, but I’m starting to wonder if it’s cos we’ve run of out new names for things. Think of t h e amount o f stu ff t h ere is on t h e wor ld, a ll o f it nee ding to b e ca ll e d somet h ing. T h at’s w h y you get a l ot o f d ou bl in g u p – cars name d a f ter anima l s an d p eo pl e namin g t h e ir ki ds a f te r fr u i ts. Ev e n t h e dot o v e r t h e l ette r “i” h as a n ame: it’s called a tittle. Why does that even need a name? I r emember my English teacher telling us that Eskimos have a b out 1 00 wor d s f or snow. I to ld me mam t h at f act w h en I g ot h ome f rom sc h oo l – s h e sai d s h e k new it a l rea dy an d that the reason was so Eskimo weathermen didn’t g et bored w hen having to talk about snow every day in their for e casts. I’ve since f oun d out t h ey ain’t got t h at many wor d s f or snow, an d t h at y ou s h ou ld n’t rea lly ca ll t h em Es k imos cos t h e y d on’t l i k e it. T h e y now p re f er Inuit. But I d on’t think I’ll ever meet one so I don’t think it’ll be a problem. It w ould be like worrying that I’m gonna annoy a leprechaun by ca ll in g it a g nome.
    I ni pp e d d own t h e science section o f t h e l i b rar y an d loo k ed at t h e A t l as o f t h e Universe . I t ’ s a boo k I’v e see n in a f ew bookshops and looked at a lot but never wanted to buy, as it’s massive. A s muc h as I l i k e l oo k in g at s p ace, h avin g a l ac k o f it means I wou ld n’t want t h is ta k in g u p room in t h e fl at. P l us, I d on’t t h in k it wou ld b e t h at h an dy to h ave as I can’t see meself ever being that lost. Might be handy f or me mam, though – she’s always getting lost. Me mam an d d a d l ive in Wa l es now, an d me mam sti ll isn’t t h at g oo d at k nowing h er way a b out t h e p l ace. S h e h as to h ave t h ei r a dd ress in h er h an db a g in case s h e g ets l ost. S h e recent ly b ou g ht a tea towel with a ma p of An g lese y on it from a charity shop. Me dad said, “Yeah it’ll be handy, that, if you get lost while doing the washing up. ”
    “ T h e universe is 93 b i ll ion l i gh t y ears across”, was t h e op enin g l ine o f t h e A t l as o f t h e Universe . I t went on to ex p lain the Bi g Ban g theor y , which I’ve alwa y s q uestioned. W as the bang really big or did it just sound big cos there was n o ot h er noise to d rown it out? I must h ave b een stan d ing l oo k in g at t h e p ictures f or a w h i l e, an d I g ot so into it t h at I d i d n’t h ear t h e o ld f e ll a w h o I’ d seen ear l ier come s h u ffl in g be hin d m e. “I t a m a z es m e m o r e n o w t h a n i t d i d wh e n I w as a child”, he said loudly. A few people coughed and rattled t h eir p a p ers as i f t h e y ’ d b een waitin g f or some noise to cue t h em. He stoo d t h ere l oo k in g at t h e p ictures wit h me. Wit h the ima g es of s p ace and his heav y breathin g , I felt like I was in S tar W ar s . It got awkward as I wanted to turn the page, b ut h e seeme d to b e rea d ing it. T h ere must b e a b out 3000 b oo k s in t h is l i b rar y an d h e d eci d es to start rea d in g t h e one I ’ve g ot in m y h an d .
    I sta r ted to l oo k at t h e ot h e r boo k s o n t h e s h e lf whil e still holding the universe book in my other hand for him to carr y on rea d in g . He d i d n’t sto p