him when he gets back,’ I say in a monotone voice.
‘Maybe.’ He looks away from me, down at the city lights twinkling in the distance. We’re sitting at the bench table, side by side, with our backs resting against the hard
concrete. The baby monitors are glowing green on the table behind us, our sons fast asleep inside the house. The sun is just setting and the sky is orange, but there are no stars, yet. I can hear a
far-off police car whizzing through the hills with its siren blazing. We stay silent for a long time, then I feel his eyes on me once more. ‘Are we going to be alright?’
I feel the tension radiating from him as I stare down at the view and ponder this question for a little too long.
I turn to look at him and feel physical pain at the sight of the apprehension in his eyes. I brush my thumb across his warm face. His stubble is prickly under my touch. He hasn’t shaved
for days.
‘We’ve been through much worse than this,’ I say, smiling through the sudden onslaught of tears. He exhales in a rush and I realise he was holding his breath, and then
he’s crushing
my
breath out of me as he holds me tightly.
‘I love you,’ I say into his shoulder.
‘I love you, too.’ His deep voice is thick with emotion.
‘We’re going to be okay. Of course we’re going to be okay. I’ll always love you, Johnny. I always have and I always will.’
He hugs me even tighter, and then he’s kissing me as though his life depended on it. I passionately return his kiss and he pulls me to my feet, carrying me a few steps to the lawn sloping
away from the house. He lays me down and covers my body with his, trapping me and keeping me exactly where he wants me.
Which is exactly where I want to be.
We make love there, on the grass, and it’s like it’s our very first time, raw and passionate and full of need and longing. Afterwards he stays on top of me, both of us breathing
heavily, as I stare past him to the newly shining stars in the sky beyond. I know without a shadow of a doubt, that despite his flaws, despite his past, Johnny is worth fighting for. And I swear to
myself that I’ll never let anyone come between us, whoever they are.
I spend the next couple of days getting everything ready for Jessica’s imminent arrival. We’re putting her in the White Room, which was my room once. I remember the
second time I came here with Barney: Johnny’s PA at the time had filled the bathroom cabinets with all sorts of cosmetic goodies. I want to do the same for Jessica to make her feel welcome,
so I go shopping and stock up and take a strange amount of pleasure in the thought of seeing her excitement. I hope she
is
excited. Johnny told me that she grew up in a small townhouse with
no luxuries to speak of. He also told me how her mother died on her fifteenth birthday: struck by glass falling from a loose window on her way to pick up Jessica’s birthday cake. We both get
a little emotional when we think about that.
I hope I can be a friend to this girl. I hope my jealousy and insecurities don’t get in the way. I want to be strong for her, to help her through this incredibly tumultuous time in her
life. I hope she lets me.
After lunch on Sunday, Johnny tells me that he wants to go for a bike ride.
‘But she’s going to be here in a couple of hours,’ I reply with a frown.
‘I need to get out,’ he says. ‘Just for a bit.’
I can tell from his expression that he needs his freedom to compose himself.
I know how he feels.
I wish I could go with him, but it’s Sunday and we have no help with childcare today. I’m relieved it will just be the four of us when Jessica arrives. I still haven’t got used
to having staff, and however much some of them feel like friends, I’m glad no one else is here to witness such a private event.
‘Okay,’ I say. ‘Make sure you’re back by three thirty, though. Just to be on the safe side in case she comes through immigration early.’
Davey is
‘Maybe.’ He looks away from me, down at the city lights twinkling in the distance. We’re sitting at the bench table, side by side, with our backs resting against the hard
concrete. The baby monitors are glowing green on the table behind us, our sons fast asleep inside the house. The sun is just setting and the sky is orange, but there are no stars, yet. I can hear a
far-off police car whizzing through the hills with its siren blazing. We stay silent for a long time, then I feel his eyes on me once more. ‘Are we going to be alright?’
I feel the tension radiating from him as I stare down at the view and ponder this question for a little too long.
I turn to look at him and feel physical pain at the sight of the apprehension in his eyes. I brush my thumb across his warm face. His stubble is prickly under my touch. He hasn’t shaved
for days.
‘We’ve been through much worse than this,’ I say, smiling through the sudden onslaught of tears. He exhales in a rush and I realise he was holding his breath, and then
he’s crushing
my
breath out of me as he holds me tightly.
‘I love you,’ I say into his shoulder.
‘I love you, too.’ His deep voice is thick with emotion.
‘We’re going to be okay. Of course we’re going to be okay. I’ll always love you, Johnny. I always have and I always will.’
He hugs me even tighter, and then he’s kissing me as though his life depended on it. I passionately return his kiss and he pulls me to my feet, carrying me a few steps to the lawn sloping
away from the house. He lays me down and covers my body with his, trapping me and keeping me exactly where he wants me.
Which is exactly where I want to be.
We make love there, on the grass, and it’s like it’s our very first time, raw and passionate and full of need and longing. Afterwards he stays on top of me, both of us breathing
heavily, as I stare past him to the newly shining stars in the sky beyond. I know without a shadow of a doubt, that despite his flaws, despite his past, Johnny is worth fighting for. And I swear to
myself that I’ll never let anyone come between us, whoever they are.
I spend the next couple of days getting everything ready for Jessica’s imminent arrival. We’re putting her in the White Room, which was my room once. I remember the
second time I came here with Barney: Johnny’s PA at the time had filled the bathroom cabinets with all sorts of cosmetic goodies. I want to do the same for Jessica to make her feel welcome,
so I go shopping and stock up and take a strange amount of pleasure in the thought of seeing her excitement. I hope she
is
excited. Johnny told me that she grew up in a small townhouse with
no luxuries to speak of. He also told me how her mother died on her fifteenth birthday: struck by glass falling from a loose window on her way to pick up Jessica’s birthday cake. We both get
a little emotional when we think about that.
I hope I can be a friend to this girl. I hope my jealousy and insecurities don’t get in the way. I want to be strong for her, to help her through this incredibly tumultuous time in her
life. I hope she lets me.
After lunch on Sunday, Johnny tells me that he wants to go for a bike ride.
‘But she’s going to be here in a couple of hours,’ I reply with a frown.
‘I need to get out,’ he says. ‘Just for a bit.’
I can tell from his expression that he needs his freedom to compose himself.
I know how he feels.
I wish I could go with him, but it’s Sunday and we have no help with childcare today. I’m relieved it will just be the four of us when Jessica arrives. I still haven’t got used
to having staff, and however much some of them feel like friends, I’m glad no one else is here to witness such a private event.
‘Okay,’ I say. ‘Make sure you’re back by three thirty, though. Just to be on the safe side in case she comes through immigration early.’
Davey is
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