Read Online Jeeves and the Feudal Spirit by P.G. Wodehouse - Free Book Online Page A
Authors: P.G. Wodehouse
Ads: Link
course. One can merely state the facts.
It was
so now with Stilton. In his pre-special phase he had been all steamed up and
fit for treasons, stratagems and spoils, as the fellow said, and he became a
better, kindlier man beneath my very gaze. Half—way through the initial snifter
he was admitting in the friendliest way that he had wronged me. I might be the
most consummate ass that ever eluded the vigilance of the talent scouts of
Colney Hatch, he said, but it was obvious that I had not taken Florence to The
Mottled Oyster. And dashed lucky for me I hadn’t, he added, for had such been
the case, he would have broken my spine in three places. In short, all very
chummy and cordial.
‘Harking
back to the earlier portion of our conversation, Stilton,’ I said, changing the
subject after we had agreed that his Uncle Joseph was a cockeyed fathead who
would do well to consult some good oculist, ‘I noticed that when you spoke of
Florence, you used the expression “My fiancée”. Am I to infer from this that
the dove of peace has pulled a quick one since I saw you last? That broken
engagement, has it been soldered?’
He
nodded.
‘Yes,’
he said. ‘I made certain concessions and yielded certain points.’ Here his hand
strayed to his upper lip and a look of pain passed over his face. ‘A
reconciliation took place this morning.’
‘Splendid!’
‘You’re
pleased?’
‘Of
course.’
‘Ho!’
‘Eh?’
He eyed
me fixedly.
‘Wooster,
come off it. You know you’re in love with her yourself.’
‘Absurd.’
‘Absurd,
my foot! You needn’t think you can fool me. You worship that girl, and I am
still inclined to believe that the whole of this moustache sequence was a vile
plot on your part to steal her from me. Well, all I have to say is that if I
ever catch you oiling round her and trying to alienate her affections, I shall
break your spine in four places.’
‘Three,
I thought you said.’
‘No,
four. However, she will be out of your reach for some little time, I am glad to
say. She goes today to visit your aunt, Mrs. Travers, in Worcestershire.’
Amazing
how with a careless word you can land yourself in the soup. I was within the
merest toucher of saying Yes, so she had told me, which would, of course, have
been fatal. In the nick of time I contrived to substitute an ‘Oh, really?’
‘She’s
going to Brinkley, is she? You also?’
‘I
shall be following in a few days.’
‘You
aren’t going with her?’
‘Talk
sense. You don’t suppose I intend to appear in public during the early stages
of growing that damned moustache she insists on. I shall remain confined to my
room till the foul thing has started to sprout a bit. Good-bye, Wooster. You
will remember what I was saying about your spine?’
I
assured him that I would bear it in mind, and he finished his special and
withdrew.
8
The days that followed saw
me at the peak of my form, fizzy to an almost unbelievable extent and
enchanting one and all with my bright smile and merry sallies. During this
halcyon period, if halcyon is the word I want, it would not be too much to say
that I revived like a watered flower.
It was
as if a great weight had been rolled off the soul. Only those who have had to
endure the ordeal of having G. D’Arcy Cheesewright constantly materialize from
thin air and steal up behind them, breathing down the back of their necks as
they took their ease in their smoking-room, can fully understand the relief of
being able to sink into a chair and order a restorative, knowing that the place
would be wholly free from this pre-eminent scourge. My feelings, I suppose,
were roughly what those of Mary would have been, had she looked over her
shoulder one morning and found the lamb no longer among those present.
And
then — bing — just as I was saying to myself that this was the life,
along came all those telegrams.
The
first to arrive reached me at my residence just as I was lighting
It was
so now with Stilton. In his pre-special phase he had been all steamed up and
fit for treasons, stratagems and spoils, as the fellow said, and he became a
better, kindlier man beneath my very gaze. Half—way through the initial snifter
he was admitting in the friendliest way that he had wronged me. I might be the
most consummate ass that ever eluded the vigilance of the talent scouts of
Colney Hatch, he said, but it was obvious that I had not taken Florence to The
Mottled Oyster. And dashed lucky for me I hadn’t, he added, for had such been
the case, he would have broken my spine in three places. In short, all very
chummy and cordial.
‘Harking
back to the earlier portion of our conversation, Stilton,’ I said, changing the
subject after we had agreed that his Uncle Joseph was a cockeyed fathead who
would do well to consult some good oculist, ‘I noticed that when you spoke of
Florence, you used the expression “My fiancée”. Am I to infer from this that
the dove of peace has pulled a quick one since I saw you last? That broken
engagement, has it been soldered?’
He
nodded.
‘Yes,’
he said. ‘I made certain concessions and yielded certain points.’ Here his hand
strayed to his upper lip and a look of pain passed over his face. ‘A
reconciliation took place this morning.’
‘Splendid!’
‘You’re
pleased?’
‘Of
course.’
‘Ho!’
‘Eh?’
He eyed
me fixedly.
‘Wooster,
come off it. You know you’re in love with her yourself.’
‘Absurd.’
‘Absurd,
my foot! You needn’t think you can fool me. You worship that girl, and I am
still inclined to believe that the whole of this moustache sequence was a vile
plot on your part to steal her from me. Well, all I have to say is that if I
ever catch you oiling round her and trying to alienate her affections, I shall
break your spine in four places.’
‘Three,
I thought you said.’
‘No,
four. However, she will be out of your reach for some little time, I am glad to
say. She goes today to visit your aunt, Mrs. Travers, in Worcestershire.’
Amazing
how with a careless word you can land yourself in the soup. I was within the
merest toucher of saying Yes, so she had told me, which would, of course, have
been fatal. In the nick of time I contrived to substitute an ‘Oh, really?’
‘She’s
going to Brinkley, is she? You also?’
‘I
shall be following in a few days.’
‘You
aren’t going with her?’
‘Talk
sense. You don’t suppose I intend to appear in public during the early stages
of growing that damned moustache she insists on. I shall remain confined to my
room till the foul thing has started to sprout a bit. Good-bye, Wooster. You
will remember what I was saying about your spine?’
I
assured him that I would bear it in mind, and he finished his special and
withdrew.
8
The days that followed saw
me at the peak of my form, fizzy to an almost unbelievable extent and
enchanting one and all with my bright smile and merry sallies. During this
halcyon period, if halcyon is the word I want, it would not be too much to say
that I revived like a watered flower.
It was
as if a great weight had been rolled off the soul. Only those who have had to
endure the ordeal of having G. D’Arcy Cheesewright constantly materialize from
thin air and steal up behind them, breathing down the back of their necks as
they took their ease in their smoking-room, can fully understand the relief of
being able to sink into a chair and order a restorative, knowing that the place
would be wholly free from this pre-eminent scourge. My feelings, I suppose,
were roughly what those of Mary would have been, had she looked over her
shoulder one morning and found the lamb no longer among those present.
And
then — bing — just as I was saying to myself that this was the life,
along came all those telegrams.
The
first to arrive reached me at my residence just as I was lighting
Similar Books
