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Authors: Jason Deas
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drown.
“Ted?”
Ted popped up from underneath the bubble madness and screamed, “Boo. Get in, Benny. The water is warm and I only tooted in it two times!”
“No thanks,” Benny answered. “I thought you were watching Jerry Springer?”
“Some loser had showered with another loser’s wife and my head filled with warm tubbies. I tripped over the coffee table and came in here and ran myself a bubbly, bubbly.”
“Well, thank God,” Benny said. “It sounds like you sobered up a bit.”
“I did. Hop on in. I’ll make room. Water feels great.”
“Um, no you didn’t sober up. If you are asking me to get in the bath with you, you have not sobered up a bit.”
“Are you afraid I’ll touch your junk?” Ted asked, with an evil grin on his face.
“I’m not a homophobe, Ted, but I don’t want you touching any part of me.”
“But you’re so sexy.”
“I already knew that,” Benny answered, not amused.
Ted leaned out of the bathtub and opened the lid of the toilet which had been closed. He threw up what looked to Benny to be mostly liquid and plopped back in the tub.
“Sorry,” Ted slurred. “Should have had breakfast.”
“What were you planning on having for lunch?”
“I like Sloppy Joes,” he said raising his hands as if someone had just scored a touchdown.
“Do you have ground beef?”
“Nope.”
“Bread?”
“Negative.”
“Do you have any groceries that did not come from the liquor store?”
“Do them little sausages count? The ones they keep on the counter?”
“No,” Benny answered curtly.
“Then the answer would be not yes.”
Ted moved quickly to the side of the tub splashing a good bit of water out and onto the floor and Benny’s shoes as he once again stuck his head into the commode to relieve his overburdened stomach.
When he pulled his head out and flushed he said, “I think I’m gonna have a nap for lunch.”
“I don’t have time to go to the grocery store for you, but I will order you some food and it will be in the fridge when you wake up.”
“You’re a good man. Have a look through my briefcase. I brought all the case files home. I know you won’t mention where you got the info.”
“You know I don’t kiss and tell,” Benny assured. “Can I give you a piece of advice?” Benny asked.
“Sure,” Ted answered.
“Get your freaking grass cut.”
“I thought you was gonna tell me to stop the drinking.”
“You don’t need me to tell you that.”
“Thanks, Benny.”
“Get your ass dried off, get in bed, and have yourself a good dinner when you wake up.”
Benny shut the bathroom door and waited outside until he heard the water draining, just in case Ted decided in his stupor to take his nap in the tub. When he heard the sound of water swirling down the drain, he started his search for a phone book or a refrigerator magnet that might have the telephone number of the local pizza joint. Not finding either, Benny put on his investigator’s cap and walked into the garage where most people kept their trash containers. If it wasn’t in the garage, it would be on the side or back of the house where it would not be visible from the road. It was in the garage.
Benny flipped open the top to find a stack of pizza boxes and wondered if Ted ate anything else. The smell of trash sitting in a hot garage in the Florida heat was horrid and Benny quickly ripped one of the coupons off and slammed the lid shut and retreated back into the house.
He punched the phone number off the coupon into his cell and waited as it rang. He placed an order and when he gave the address the male voice on the other end of the line changed his friendly tone.
“We don’t deliver to this address without a credit card prepayment,” the man said.
“And why is that?” Benny asked.
“I can tell you are not the guy who lives there, but he used to order all the time and pass out before we got there and we were stuck with the pizza. So, now it is company policy
“Ted?”
Ted popped up from underneath the bubble madness and screamed, “Boo. Get in, Benny. The water is warm and I only tooted in it two times!”
“No thanks,” Benny answered. “I thought you were watching Jerry Springer?”
“Some loser had showered with another loser’s wife and my head filled with warm tubbies. I tripped over the coffee table and came in here and ran myself a bubbly, bubbly.”
“Well, thank God,” Benny said. “It sounds like you sobered up a bit.”
“I did. Hop on in. I’ll make room. Water feels great.”
“Um, no you didn’t sober up. If you are asking me to get in the bath with you, you have not sobered up a bit.”
“Are you afraid I’ll touch your junk?” Ted asked, with an evil grin on his face.
“I’m not a homophobe, Ted, but I don’t want you touching any part of me.”
“But you’re so sexy.”
“I already knew that,” Benny answered, not amused.
Ted leaned out of the bathtub and opened the lid of the toilet which had been closed. He threw up what looked to Benny to be mostly liquid and plopped back in the tub.
“Sorry,” Ted slurred. “Should have had breakfast.”
“What were you planning on having for lunch?”
“I like Sloppy Joes,” he said raising his hands as if someone had just scored a touchdown.
“Do you have ground beef?”
“Nope.”
“Bread?”
“Negative.”
“Do you have any groceries that did not come from the liquor store?”
“Do them little sausages count? The ones they keep on the counter?”
“No,” Benny answered curtly.
“Then the answer would be not yes.”
Ted moved quickly to the side of the tub splashing a good bit of water out and onto the floor and Benny’s shoes as he once again stuck his head into the commode to relieve his overburdened stomach.
When he pulled his head out and flushed he said, “I think I’m gonna have a nap for lunch.”
“I don’t have time to go to the grocery store for you, but I will order you some food and it will be in the fridge when you wake up.”
“You’re a good man. Have a look through my briefcase. I brought all the case files home. I know you won’t mention where you got the info.”
“You know I don’t kiss and tell,” Benny assured. “Can I give you a piece of advice?” Benny asked.
“Sure,” Ted answered.
“Get your freaking grass cut.”
“I thought you was gonna tell me to stop the drinking.”
“You don’t need me to tell you that.”
“Thanks, Benny.”
“Get your ass dried off, get in bed, and have yourself a good dinner when you wake up.”
Benny shut the bathroom door and waited outside until he heard the water draining, just in case Ted decided in his stupor to take his nap in the tub. When he heard the sound of water swirling down the drain, he started his search for a phone book or a refrigerator magnet that might have the telephone number of the local pizza joint. Not finding either, Benny put on his investigator’s cap and walked into the garage where most people kept their trash containers. If it wasn’t in the garage, it would be on the side or back of the house where it would not be visible from the road. It was in the garage.
Benny flipped open the top to find a stack of pizza boxes and wondered if Ted ate anything else. The smell of trash sitting in a hot garage in the Florida heat was horrid and Benny quickly ripped one of the coupons off and slammed the lid shut and retreated back into the house.
He punched the phone number off the coupon into his cell and waited as it rang. He placed an order and when he gave the address the male voice on the other end of the line changed his friendly tone.
“We don’t deliver to this address without a credit card prepayment,” the man said.
“And why is that?” Benny asked.
“I can tell you are not the guy who lives there, but he used to order all the time and pass out before we got there and we were stuck with the pizza. So, now it is company policy
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