call out my name, this time making me flinch with nervous worry . Shit. Shit, shit, shit.
On command, I followed our Chief Resident Director, Doctor Sam Wilson, into his office; the fear of being in trouble quickly replacing lingering thoughts of broken promises.
“Have a seat,” he instructed in his no bullshit tone. Being under his direct tutelage for my entire residency, I was well-versed in his moods but still slightly intimidated by him.
“I’m surprised to see you on shift,” he started, giving me a lukewarm smile.
That made two of us, surprised, that was, by his line of questioning. If he mentions my almost arrest I was going to lose it. “Why wouldn’t I be here?”
He frowned at me. “Your family had a major setback last night, Erin. I consulted with Doctor Sechler.”
I’d seen plenty of people fired over the years for their poor work ethics so I felt I needed to justify—immediately. “I know and I’m sorry. I’m actually glad we’re meeting now. I had fully intended to discuss my behavior with you. I want you to know that it won’t happen again. I should not have frozen up like that receiving a patient. It was very unprofessional of me to let my team down like that and to allow personal familiarity to detract from my attention to the patient’s care—”
His hand flew up. “Whoa, Erin, stop. Everyone understands. This was a relative of yours, not some stranger. You’re not impervious, for God’s sake. No one is blaming you or thinking anything less of you.”
“But—”
“But nothing. It could happen to any one of us seeing a family member come in as a trauma patient, and considering the circumstances, you held yourself together better than most.”
I nodded even though I wholeheartedly disagreed, feeling the cold shock of tattered nerves seep into my fingertips. He eyed me as I wrung my hands.
“In my eighteen years in this position I have only had a handful of residents who have worked as hard as you do. In all honesty, I felt like a proud father when you completed your residency but you’re too hard on yourself. No one is questioning your leadership and dedication, especially not me, but you have to realize that you’re no good to anyone while you have a loved one two floors up in critical care.” With that, he crossed his legs, his telltale sign of getting down to business. “Have you checked in with Doctor Giffords yet?”
Shit. Chief neurosurgeon. Not good. “No, sir. I just got here.”
He gave me a superficial smile. I knew exactly what it meant. “I know this is a difficult time for you. I hope you can also use this experience and learn from it and expand your growing knowledge of TBIs.”
My nerves took another jump. If he only knew just how much experience I’d already had dealing with traumatic brain injuries after my sister’s accident, he’d be astounded. But that was another area of my personal history I kept tightly under wraps. After all, it was my fault it happened in the first place. If I hadn’t been so self-absorbed in my own problems, Kate would have never suffered.
“Don’t let your family’s loss be in vain.”
I gasped, unable to swallow. “Has he—?”
Again with the fatherly smile. “No, but things are not looking promising. Unless he makes an upswing in the next twenty-four to forty-eight hours, you and your family should probably prepare. Take some time off. I’m giving you permission to deal with the human side of medicine, Doctor.”
I shook my head vehemently. “I don’t need time off, sir. I have my interview with the Fellowship committee in three weeks and I need to be prepared. I need that fellowship, Sam. It’s all I’ve ever wanted.”
Doctor Wilson held up his hand again, halting me. “I’ve known that for years. It’s not new news. I’ve already sent in my letter of recommendation. Doctor Gaudet and Doctor Chanpreet have submitted theirs as well. Everyone knows how badly you want your medical toxicology
On command, I followed our Chief Resident Director, Doctor Sam Wilson, into his office; the fear of being in trouble quickly replacing lingering thoughts of broken promises.
“Have a seat,” he instructed in his no bullshit tone. Being under his direct tutelage for my entire residency, I was well-versed in his moods but still slightly intimidated by him.
“I’m surprised to see you on shift,” he started, giving me a lukewarm smile.
That made two of us, surprised, that was, by his line of questioning. If he mentions my almost arrest I was going to lose it. “Why wouldn’t I be here?”
He frowned at me. “Your family had a major setback last night, Erin. I consulted with Doctor Sechler.”
I’d seen plenty of people fired over the years for their poor work ethics so I felt I needed to justify—immediately. “I know and I’m sorry. I’m actually glad we’re meeting now. I had fully intended to discuss my behavior with you. I want you to know that it won’t happen again. I should not have frozen up like that receiving a patient. It was very unprofessional of me to let my team down like that and to allow personal familiarity to detract from my attention to the patient’s care—”
His hand flew up. “Whoa, Erin, stop. Everyone understands. This was a relative of yours, not some stranger. You’re not impervious, for God’s sake. No one is blaming you or thinking anything less of you.”
“But—”
“But nothing. It could happen to any one of us seeing a family member come in as a trauma patient, and considering the circumstances, you held yourself together better than most.”
I nodded even though I wholeheartedly disagreed, feeling the cold shock of tattered nerves seep into my fingertips. He eyed me as I wrung my hands.
“In my eighteen years in this position I have only had a handful of residents who have worked as hard as you do. In all honesty, I felt like a proud father when you completed your residency but you’re too hard on yourself. No one is questioning your leadership and dedication, especially not me, but you have to realize that you’re no good to anyone while you have a loved one two floors up in critical care.” With that, he crossed his legs, his telltale sign of getting down to business. “Have you checked in with Doctor Giffords yet?”
Shit. Chief neurosurgeon. Not good. “No, sir. I just got here.”
He gave me a superficial smile. I knew exactly what it meant. “I know this is a difficult time for you. I hope you can also use this experience and learn from it and expand your growing knowledge of TBIs.”
My nerves took another jump. If he only knew just how much experience I’d already had dealing with traumatic brain injuries after my sister’s accident, he’d be astounded. But that was another area of my personal history I kept tightly under wraps. After all, it was my fault it happened in the first place. If I hadn’t been so self-absorbed in my own problems, Kate would have never suffered.
“Don’t let your family’s loss be in vain.”
I gasped, unable to swallow. “Has he—?”
Again with the fatherly smile. “No, but things are not looking promising. Unless he makes an upswing in the next twenty-four to forty-eight hours, you and your family should probably prepare. Take some time off. I’m giving you permission to deal with the human side of medicine, Doctor.”
I shook my head vehemently. “I don’t need time off, sir. I have my interview with the Fellowship committee in three weeks and I need to be prepared. I need that fellowship, Sam. It’s all I’ve ever wanted.”
Doctor Wilson held up his hand again, halting me. “I’ve known that for years. It’s not new news. I’ve already sent in my letter of recommendation. Doctor Gaudet and Doctor Chanpreet have submitted theirs as well. Everyone knows how badly you want your medical toxicology
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