Read Online It's Like This by Anne O'Gleadra - Free Book Online
Authors: Anne O'Gleadra
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God. I miss him so much. Insurmountably much.
Til glares at me, then, speaking sweetly into the phone, “Actually, Rylan, this is Matilda speaking—”
She stalks into the kitchen where she keeps her voice low on purpose so that I can’t hear what she’s saying. A few minutes later she rejoins me.
“He’ll be on the next bus over,” she says. And I swear she sounds almost smug.
- 7 -
He knocks. My mom always tells him that he can come on in, that he doesn’t need to knock, he’s family, and he always replies, “But you have a knocker!” Like the novelty never wears off.
I don’t move.
Matilda looks at me. I just sit there. She gets up to answer it. I watch them through the doorway of the living room.
“Tilla,” Rylan says before hugging her.
I stand up nervously. I don’t know what to do with my body. My hands are dangling awkwardly. I shove them in my pockets, and then take them out again.
Ry and Tilla are talking quietly at the door, still. I can’t quite make out what they are saying. He’s got his hand on her upper arm, and they are leaning in towards each other. Sometimes I feel like everyone else in my family knows how to relate to him better than I do. In high school, he came on family trips with us. He’s spent Christmases at our house. Before I moved out he was practically a permanent fixture here. He just fits. And I…
I’m just so frickin’ glad he’s here.
But I still don’t know what to do with myself.
Til heads into the kitchen. Rylan walks through the front hall, towards me, looking straight at me. I can’t move.
He doesn’t stop or slow down until he reaches me. He doesn’t hesitate for a single second, just wraps his arms tight around my body.
I can’t compute this. We don’t hug. Well, outside of sex, though that usually isn’t hugging so much as…grasping. And we tend to cuddle during movies, so I guess that’s pretty similar, and sometimes when we’re out together, he’ll throw an arm around my shoulder, but we never just…hug. I mean, he hugs my sisters, and my parents, but we don’t. I don’t know how to react. He’s got one arm under one of mine, and the other over top of my shoulder. Typical hug mechanics, except that my arms are still hanging pathetic and inactive at my sides, which is ridiculous because I finally have something to do with them. So, tentatively, I hug him, you know, back.
He holds me tighter and I hold him tighter, burying my head in his hoodie because he is here. With me. When everything is so shitty and we don’t know what’s going to happen to Kya or when, and he had every right to say, “Well, gee whiz, that’s too bad…not my problem,” because I’m such an idiot and went and fucked everything up, but he didn’t say that. Instead he came right over and walked into my living room and is hugging me. Because Kya’s sick and we don’t have any of the answers.
I find myself lodging my teeth into his shoulder. My eyes are all prickling and stuff, but I haven’t cried since I was probably like eight, so I don’t know if I’m the type of person who cries, even if they feel like it. I just am not sure I really remember how to, so instead I’m biting him, and pressing my fist into his back, hard, and he just keeps on holding me and letting me hurt him even though I know I should stop and I just can’t.
My eyes are tightly closed because that somehow makes me feel like I’m a little further away from this whole situation with everything than I am, so I don’t see Matilda coming back into the room; I don’t know she’s there until Rylan whispers into my hair, “Nigh, baby, I think you might be starting to freak your sister out…”
My eyes fly open both at his words and the pet name which he has never even once called me before and I see Matilda standing beside us, looking at me like she’s kind of worried I’m going to dissolve entirely.
I extract my teeth from Rylan’s shoulder and slowly relax the hug, even if
Til glares at me, then, speaking sweetly into the phone, “Actually, Rylan, this is Matilda speaking—”
She stalks into the kitchen where she keeps her voice low on purpose so that I can’t hear what she’s saying. A few minutes later she rejoins me.
“He’ll be on the next bus over,” she says. And I swear she sounds almost smug.
- 7 -
He knocks. My mom always tells him that he can come on in, that he doesn’t need to knock, he’s family, and he always replies, “But you have a knocker!” Like the novelty never wears off.
I don’t move.
Matilda looks at me. I just sit there. She gets up to answer it. I watch them through the doorway of the living room.
“Tilla,” Rylan says before hugging her.
I stand up nervously. I don’t know what to do with my body. My hands are dangling awkwardly. I shove them in my pockets, and then take them out again.
Ry and Tilla are talking quietly at the door, still. I can’t quite make out what they are saying. He’s got his hand on her upper arm, and they are leaning in towards each other. Sometimes I feel like everyone else in my family knows how to relate to him better than I do. In high school, he came on family trips with us. He’s spent Christmases at our house. Before I moved out he was practically a permanent fixture here. He just fits. And I…
I’m just so frickin’ glad he’s here.
But I still don’t know what to do with myself.
Til heads into the kitchen. Rylan walks through the front hall, towards me, looking straight at me. I can’t move.
He doesn’t stop or slow down until he reaches me. He doesn’t hesitate for a single second, just wraps his arms tight around my body.
I can’t compute this. We don’t hug. Well, outside of sex, though that usually isn’t hugging so much as…grasping. And we tend to cuddle during movies, so I guess that’s pretty similar, and sometimes when we’re out together, he’ll throw an arm around my shoulder, but we never just…hug. I mean, he hugs my sisters, and my parents, but we don’t. I don’t know how to react. He’s got one arm under one of mine, and the other over top of my shoulder. Typical hug mechanics, except that my arms are still hanging pathetic and inactive at my sides, which is ridiculous because I finally have something to do with them. So, tentatively, I hug him, you know, back.
He holds me tighter and I hold him tighter, burying my head in his hoodie because he is here. With me. When everything is so shitty and we don’t know what’s going to happen to Kya or when, and he had every right to say, “Well, gee whiz, that’s too bad…not my problem,” because I’m such an idiot and went and fucked everything up, but he didn’t say that. Instead he came right over and walked into my living room and is hugging me. Because Kya’s sick and we don’t have any of the answers.
I find myself lodging my teeth into his shoulder. My eyes are all prickling and stuff, but I haven’t cried since I was probably like eight, so I don’t know if I’m the type of person who cries, even if they feel like it. I just am not sure I really remember how to, so instead I’m biting him, and pressing my fist into his back, hard, and he just keeps on holding me and letting me hurt him even though I know I should stop and I just can’t.
My eyes are tightly closed because that somehow makes me feel like I’m a little further away from this whole situation with everything than I am, so I don’t see Matilda coming back into the room; I don’t know she’s there until Rylan whispers into my hair, “Nigh, baby, I think you might be starting to freak your sister out…”
My eyes fly open both at his words and the pet name which he has never even once called me before and I see Matilda standing beside us, looking at me like she’s kind of worried I’m going to dissolve entirely.
I extract my teeth from Rylan’s shoulder and slowly relax the hug, even if
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