Read Online Is This What I Want? by Patricia Mann - Free Book Online Page B

the guilt gene, that she had no problem cheating on her husband. I found the guilt gene an interesting theory and it made sense to me, given how many men I knew who boasted when they were out with the guys about cheating on their wives.
    I started getting aroused again as Beth recounted some of the stories Jill had told her. Maybe it would be fun and harmless for the two of them to be friends again, I thought, as long as Jill understood that Beth was only interested in living vicariously, not participating.
    As she talked, I ran my hand along her legs, pushing up her silky pajama shorts just a little to feel her upper thighs.
    She sat up and gripped my face in her two hands. Then she kissed me hard on the lips. I moaned, wanting to move quickly, but also wanting to please her by going slow.
    But then she said something that halted things again.
    “No more secrets, ever. I promise you, Rick. I don’t ever want to lie to you. I love you. You’ve been so forgiving and so good to me. Thank you. No secrets. Ever.”
    Now my guilt gene was activated. I looked away and filled my mouth with air before letting it escape slowly like a balloon deflating.
    “Yeah, no secrets. You’re right. We can’t have them anymore or this won’t work.”
    She leaned back up against the bed with a look of fear on her face.
    I couldn’t believe what I was about to do. I never thought I would. I never thought I could. I decided long ago that it would only be selfish.
    “What, Rick? Just tell me.”
    My heart was beating fast inside my chest. She crossed her arms in front of her body.
    “Remember when Sam was a baby and you didn’t want to leave him to go to my company Christmas party?”
    The corners of her mouth turned down and she looked at me with her most intense stare.
    There was a long, awkward silence. I couldn’t get the words out. I always planned what I would say to Beth ahead of time when we had to have difficult conversations. I was too unprepared for this.
    She took my chin and turned me to face her.
    “It was Joanna, wasn’t it?”
    My guilt gene was popping around inside me like a popcorn kernel now. I thought about how friendly they were with each other, even after. Whenever Beth came to see me at the office, they’d make small talk and I’d whisk Beth away as fast as I could.
    I didn’t nod or change my facial expression. I just stared back into her eyes to confirm.
    She ran her fingers through the hair just above her forehead and pursed her lips together.
    “So did you fuck her?”
    I went back to that horrible night when I asked her the very same question about Dave.
    “No, I didn’t. We were drunk. It happened in the supply room. It was messy and stupid and I’ve always regretted it.”
    “What exactly did you do?”
    “Beth, it was so long ago. I know you’re upset and I’m sorry. I never told you because it was just that one time. It didn’t mean anything and I knew how much it would hurt you.”
    “I want to know exactly what you did with her. God, that bitch! I knew something was different. She was so sugary sweet after that. I just didn’t think you could ever… You’re supposed to be the good one… the one who doesn’t make those kinds of mistakes. That’s my job.”
    The words were like a kick in the nuts. I had always been the stable, loyal, reliable one. It killed me that I had slipped that one time, but the price I paid was to keep it to myself. I didn’t want to burden Beth, at least not until all this talk of not having any secrets from each other changed everything.
    She sighed and took both my hands in hers. It felt like a laying down of arms.
    “I just need to know exactly what you did. I know it was a long time ago. I know we’ll get past it. But I need to know. You made me tell you everything I did with Dave. I didn’t want to. But I gave you every detail.”
    She was right. Now that it was out there, I had to go all the way, just like she did.
    “We flirted a little during the