Read Online Mindswap by Robert Sheckley - Free Book Online
Authors: Robert Sheckley
Tags: SF
Ads: Link
things like this just don't happen. I mean, it's like some kind of an incredible nightmare … I mean, it's the sort of thing you get crazy nightmares about – some crazy-looking guy walking up calm as you please and grabbing you and saying in a sort of crazy deadpan voice, "I happen to be hunting for ganzer eggs." I mean – look, fella, you
are
putting me on, aren't you?'
Marvin was embarrassed and exasperated, and he wished the ganzer egg would shut up. He said gruflly, 'I'm not fooling. My job is to collect ganzer eggs.'
'Collect … ganzer eggs!' the ganzer egg moaned. 'Oh no, no, no, no! My God, I can't believe this is happening, and yet it really is happening, it really is-'
'Control yourself,' Marvin said; the ganzer egg was clearly on the thin edge of hysteria.
'Thank you,' the ganzer egg said, after a moment. 'I'm all right now. I didn't mean to – to give way.'
'That's all right,' Marvin said. 'Are you ready to be collected now?'
'I – I'm trying to get used to the idea. It's so … so … Look, could I ask you just one question?'
'Hurry it up,' Marvin said.
'The thing I want to ask,' the ganzer egg said, 'do you get some kind of a charge out of this sort of thing? I mean are you some sort of pervert? I don't mean to be insulting.'
'That's all right,' Marvin said. 'No, I'm not a pervert, and I can assure you I take no pleasure in this. It's strictly a job with me.'
'Strictly a job,' the ganzer egg repeated. 'A
job
. To kidnap a ganzer egg whom you've never met before. Just a job. Like picking up a stone. Only I'm not a stone, I'm a ganzer egg!'
'I realize that,' Marvin said. 'Believe me. I'm finding all of this very strange.'
'
You're
finding it strange!' the ganzer egg said, his voice rising to a scream. 'How do you think I feel? Do you think maybe I think it's
natural
for someone to come along like in a nightmare and
collect
me?'
'Steady,' Marvin said.
'Sorry,' the ganzer egg said. 'I'm all right now.'
'I'm really very sorry about this,' Marvin said. 'But you see, I've got this job and this quota, and if I don't do it I'll have to spend the rest of my life here.'
'Crazy,' the ganzer egg whispered to himself. 'He's absolutely and completely insane.'
'So I have to collect you,' Marvin finished, and reached out.
'Wait!' the ganzer egg howled, in so panicstricken a voice that Marvin desisted.
'What is it now?'
'May – may I leave a note for my wife?'
'There isn't time,' Marvin said firmly.
'Then will you at least let me say my prayers?'
'Go ahead and say them,' Marvin said. 'But you'll really have to be quick about it.'
'Oh Lord God,' the ganzer egg intoned, 'I don't know what is happening to me, or why. I have always tried to be a good person, and although I am not a regular churchgoer, You surely know that true religion is in the heart. I've maybe done some bad things in my life, I won't deny it. But Lord, why this punishment? Why me? Why not someone else, one of the real bad ones, one of the criminals? Why me? And why like this? Something is
collecting
me like I'm some sort of a
thing
… And I don't understand. But I know that You are All-Wise and All-Powerful, and I know that You are good, so I guess there must be a reason … even if I'm too stupid to see it. So look, God, if this is it, then OK, this is it. But could you look after my wife and kids? And could you especially look after the little one?' The ganzer egg's voice broke, but he recovered almost at once. 'I ask especially for the little one, God, because he's lame and the other kids pick on him and he needs a lot – a lot of love. Amen.'
The ganzer egg choked back his sobs. His voice became abruptly stronger.
'All right,' he said to Marvin. 'I'm ready now. Go ahead and do your damnedest, you lousy son-of-a-bitch.'
But the prayer of the ganzer egg had umnanned Marvin completely. With eyes wet and fetlocks trembling, Marvin opened the net and released his captive. The ganzer egg rolled out a little distance and then
are
putting me on, aren't you?'
Marvin was embarrassed and exasperated, and he wished the ganzer egg would shut up. He said gruflly, 'I'm not fooling. My job is to collect ganzer eggs.'
'Collect … ganzer eggs!' the ganzer egg moaned. 'Oh no, no, no, no! My God, I can't believe this is happening, and yet it really is happening, it really is-'
'Control yourself,' Marvin said; the ganzer egg was clearly on the thin edge of hysteria.
'Thank you,' the ganzer egg said, after a moment. 'I'm all right now. I didn't mean to – to give way.'
'That's all right,' Marvin said. 'Are you ready to be collected now?'
'I – I'm trying to get used to the idea. It's so … so … Look, could I ask you just one question?'
'Hurry it up,' Marvin said.
'The thing I want to ask,' the ganzer egg said, 'do you get some kind of a charge out of this sort of thing? I mean are you some sort of pervert? I don't mean to be insulting.'
'That's all right,' Marvin said. 'No, I'm not a pervert, and I can assure you I take no pleasure in this. It's strictly a job with me.'
'Strictly a job,' the ganzer egg repeated. 'A
job
. To kidnap a ganzer egg whom you've never met before. Just a job. Like picking up a stone. Only I'm not a stone, I'm a ganzer egg!'
'I realize that,' Marvin said. 'Believe me. I'm finding all of this very strange.'
'
You're
finding it strange!' the ganzer egg said, his voice rising to a scream. 'How do you think I feel? Do you think maybe I think it's
natural
for someone to come along like in a nightmare and
collect
me?'
'Steady,' Marvin said.
'Sorry,' the ganzer egg said. 'I'm all right now.'
'I'm really very sorry about this,' Marvin said. 'But you see, I've got this job and this quota, and if I don't do it I'll have to spend the rest of my life here.'
'Crazy,' the ganzer egg whispered to himself. 'He's absolutely and completely insane.'
'So I have to collect you,' Marvin finished, and reached out.
'Wait!' the ganzer egg howled, in so panicstricken a voice that Marvin desisted.
'What is it now?'
'May – may I leave a note for my wife?'
'There isn't time,' Marvin said firmly.
'Then will you at least let me say my prayers?'
'Go ahead and say them,' Marvin said. 'But you'll really have to be quick about it.'
'Oh Lord God,' the ganzer egg intoned, 'I don't know what is happening to me, or why. I have always tried to be a good person, and although I am not a regular churchgoer, You surely know that true religion is in the heart. I've maybe done some bad things in my life, I won't deny it. But Lord, why this punishment? Why me? Why not someone else, one of the real bad ones, one of the criminals? Why me? And why like this? Something is
collecting
me like I'm some sort of a
thing
… And I don't understand. But I know that You are All-Wise and All-Powerful, and I know that You are good, so I guess there must be a reason … even if I'm too stupid to see it. So look, God, if this is it, then OK, this is it. But could you look after my wife and kids? And could you especially look after the little one?' The ganzer egg's voice broke, but he recovered almost at once. 'I ask especially for the little one, God, because he's lame and the other kids pick on him and he needs a lot – a lot of love. Amen.'
The ganzer egg choked back his sobs. His voice became abruptly stronger.
'All right,' he said to Marvin. 'I'm ready now. Go ahead and do your damnedest, you lousy son-of-a-bitch.'
But the prayer of the ganzer egg had umnanned Marvin completely. With eyes wet and fetlocks trembling, Marvin opened the net and released his captive. The ganzer egg rolled out a little distance and then
Similar Books
