Read Online Inside Out by Terry Trueman - Free Book Online Page A

“why’d you wanna do that?” He stops. “I mean … how bad can it be?”
    I don’t know what to say.
    Joey is quiet too.
    I finally say, mostly just because I think I should say something , “It’s okay, Alan, don’t worry.”
    Alan says, “I’m sorry, Zach. I guess you got it pretty bad, man. Are you ever going to get better?”
    I remember what Dr. Curt has told me about my brain and my illness. I answer Alan truthfully. “No, probably not, but it’s okay, Alan.”
    I wish I could explain to Alan and Joey about going to the hospital that afternoon after I tried to kill myself. I can’t find the right words, but I still remember it. It seemed like a long ride back to Clearwater. Mom drove us down Highway 195 southbound, driving fast. I kept thinking that if I just opened the door of the car and dove out onto my head, I’d die for sure; then everything would just be over, no more Dirtbag and Rat, no more confusion, no more—anything. I watched the pavement race by, staring at the white lane-bump markers as they flickered past. After a while, I realized that I hadn’t heard the new voices since I’d started to pull the trigger—it was like Dirtbag and Rat knew that if I died, they wouldn’t get to torture me anymore. I smiled at that thought, and right then Mom happened to look over at me.
    â€œYou okay, Zach?”
    â€œI don’t know.”
    â€œAre the voices bothering you?”
    â€œNo. I’m just thinking about the white dots and dying.”
    Mom said, “I know, honey. Dr. Curtis is going to talk to us about all this, okay? He’s going to help us.”
    â€œOkay,” I said.
    I didn’t even feel sad or upset that I hadn’t been able to kill myself right; it didn’t even matter to me. Neither of us said anything else all the rest of the way to Clearwater.
    I won’t tell Alan and Joey any more about it, though. Alan seems bummed enough as it is. He looks like he’s about ready to kill himself just thinking how bad it would be to be me.
    Alan says, “I’m sorry, Zach. Sorry you’re so screwed up. You’re a nice guy—it’s too bad.” He says this without looking at me, staring at the ground. Joey stares at the ground too. I think he’d almost like to say something, but he can’t. I know it’s hard for Joey to say anything nice to me; he reminds me of kids from school, who are scared to treat me different than their friends treat me, so they’re mean. I never know what to say to those kids. I don’t know what to say to Joey either.
    I finally say to Alan, “I’m not messed up like that anymore, Alan.” I pause and think about it. “At least, I don’t want to kill myself today; I don’t want to die right now.”
    Alan says, “That’s good, Zach. You’re doin’ better now, huh?”
    Joey interrupts. “Everybody dies someday—most people whether they want to or not, you know? At least Zach still has a choice—not like Mom. It’s stupid for him to kill himself when he doesn’t have to die.”
    Alan just looks at Joey. “Maybe,” Alan says, “but maybe Zach doesn’t have any more choice than Mom does about being sick.”
    Listening to Alan, I remember more about being back in the hospital that second time. I remember Dr. Curt talked to me about the new voices, helping me to understand about Dirtbag and Rat, the meanest bastards anywhere.
    â€œThese new, mean voices might come after you again—especially if you don’t take your medicine. But if you’re brave enough, Zach, you can fight them. You probably can’t destroy them, but you can refuse to let them destroy you.”
    Dr. Curt’s a nice guy, but he doesn’t know everything. He doesn’t know how bad Dirtbag and Rat can be, and I know that there’s only one thing