Read Online Inside Out by Terry Trueman - Free Book Online

control what I say or think or do, but I promised Alan and Joey that I’d stay here until Dr. Curt comes and helps. I’m NOT a wasteoid! I’m NOT! I’m going to try my hardest to do what’s right. Then I’m going to get my medicine and go home with my mom.

17
    Letter from Ms. Emily Wahhsted to Dr. Cal Curtis:
    This was the moment I got home, walking into the house and through the kitchen. I saw Zach on the deck, the barrel of the rifle in his mouth. He looked so relaxed, almost happy. I called out to him, and he actually smiled at me.
    Alan and Joey talk softly together. I can’t really hear what they’re saying, but after a little while Joey starts to cry. I don’t know what exactly is making him cry right now.
    I know people usually feel sorry for somebody who’s crying, but I don’t feel sorry for him. I don’t mean that to sound bad; I don’t want people to hate me, but I don’t feel anything much for people—that’s just the way my brain doesn’t work. So now I just sit here and watch the tears rolling down Joey’s face and the snot dripping out of his nose. I may not feel anything, but I know what I should do. I should help them like I promised, so I just sit still and keep the news about their guns not working to myself. When Dr. Curt comes, everything will be okay.
    Alan puts his arm around his brother and says, “I’m sorry I got you into this, Joey.”
    Now Alan starts to cry, too.
    I watch them both.
    But now the weirdest thing happens. Suddenly I notice a tear running out of the corner of my eye and down my cheek. I put my finger up and touch the tear. I put the tear into my mouth and taste it. It’s salty. Wow. Maybe I do feel sad for them. Maybe I’m crying because I feel sad. Maybe I’m not so crazy after all! Maybe I’m getting better!
    Alan turns to me and says, “Are you okay, Zach?”
    â€œHuh?” I ask. I’m still thinking about the tear. “Yeah, sure, I guess.”
    Suddenly I remember what Alan and I were talking about earlier, before Alan’s face almost got shot. I remember Alan’s question about when I first knew I was sick. I never answered him.
    I say, “I’m okay, Alan. And I remember when I first knew I was sick, too.”
    For a second, Alan looks like he doesn’t know what I’m talking about, but now I can see by his expression that he remembers. He asks, “Oh, yeah, when did you know?”
    â€œAfter …” I say.
    â€œAfter?” Alan asks. “After what?”
    I pause a second. “After I tried to kill myself. After that I knew I was sick. I’m really hungry, Alan. Can’t we go get a maple bar from out front?”

18
    Letter from Ms. Emily Wahhsted to Dr. Cal Curtis:
    Zach just said, “I’m gonna shoot myself, Mom,” but before he could get his mouth back down to the gun, I took the rifle away.
    â€œBut Mom,” Zach said again, “I’m gonna shoot myself.”
    â€œNot today, honey,” I said, and then I burst into tears.
    Alan and Joey both stare at me. People get real quiet when they hear about suicide. Maybe Alan and Joey are freaked out.
    Alan asks, “ You really tried to kill yourself?”
    â€œYeah,” I answer.
    Joey says, “You tried to kill yourself? What’d you do, screw that up too?”
    Alan gives Joey a shove. “Shut up, asshole!”
    I say, “I did try, Joey, really. I was gonna shoot myself, but my mom got home and wouldn’t let me.”
    Joey laughs and says, “What’d you do, ask her permission?”
    I answer, “No, she just got home.”
    Alan shakes his head. I know lots of times people don’t say what they’re thinking. But Alan’s face looks so sad, even I can tell that he feels bad for me, like my mom did when she saw me with the gun that day.
    â€œChrist, Zach,” Alan says, his voice kind of shaky,