Read Online Insecure in Love: How Anxious Attachment Can Make You Feel Jealous, Needy, and Worried and What You Can Do About It by Leslie Becker-Phelps - Free Book Online
Authors: Leslie Becker-Phelps
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evidence that you are needy, weak, or flawed in some way; and you downplay or fail to notice your strengths or positive attributes. Then you remember things your partner has said or done that seem to confirm that you are inadequate or flawed in some essential way, or that he is likely to reject or leave you. Meanwhile, you fail to remember the times that your partner told you how wonderful you are or stood by you through a tough time. If you aren’t in a relationship, you are likely to remember all the times you’ve been rejected, but fail to think about your lack of interest in others who have been interested in you, or about the relationships you have enjoyed even though they ultimately didn’t work out.
It can be difficult to gain enough perspective to see these biases and their effects on your daily interactions. So if you need to, spend some time reviewing and applying this section, along with the following exercise, to your life.
Exercise: Observe How You Self-Verify
Review the assessment of your level of attachment-related anxiety in the section “The Basics of How You Connect” in chapter 1. This will show your sense of your worthiness of love.
Answer the following questions to help you better understand how you
maintain
your self-perception of being unworthy of love (to the extent that you do feel this way). It’s an important step toward breaking the cycle. Complete it in relation to your partner, as well as to other close people in your life. Repeat the exercise daily until you have a natural awareness of these issues as you go through your days. Because the drive to self-verify can make this difficult to do, write out your answers as a way to stay focused and guide yourself. Hold on to them to help complete an exercise in the next chapter. You might also find it helpful to talk about this with a supportive partner or another person you trust.
Challenging Selective Attention
What occurred during the day that showed you that you are worthy of love, or that at least brings into question your self-perception of being unlovable? Pick one or two situations (for instance, your partner wanted to watch TV together, or a friend phoned you).
How did you feel in these situations? (For instance, happy, uncomfortable, confused, nothing.)
How did you think about these situations? For instance, did you dismiss or minimize this feedback? Did you doubt the honesty or competence of the person giving it? (For example, did you assume your partner wanted to watch TV with you only out of habit?)
Can you see how you are—or might be—self-verifying with selective attention?
Challenging Selective Memory
What good or positive things did you do today? (Everything counts; nothing is too insignificant.)
In what ways have family, friends, or even acquaintances shown that they appreciate you?
In what ways did your partner show that he or she cares about you?
Challenging Selective Interpretation
If you think someone has shown you in some way that you are unlovable, could you be misinterpreting the other person’s motivation or intentions? (For example, did you misperceive his tiredness as your being uninteresting or unlovable?)
Could you be making the feedback worse than was intended? (For instance, thinking you’re flawed and unlovable when your partner was just trying to talk about something that upset him.)
Are you downplaying your strengths and focusing on ways that you don’t live up to your own unrealistic expectations or to the achievements of your partner and others?
Consider your responses in each of the sections above on challenging selective attention, memory, and interpretation. Note how you self-verify in each of these ways. What themes do you see? For instance, you might become easily jealous; or constantly be preparing to be rejected; or frequently point out to yourself that you are inadequate, flawed, or not as good as your partner. You might also struggle with thinking your partner will stop loving
It can be difficult to gain enough perspective to see these biases and their effects on your daily interactions. So if you need to, spend some time reviewing and applying this section, along with the following exercise, to your life.
Exercise: Observe How You Self-Verify
Review the assessment of your level of attachment-related anxiety in the section “The Basics of How You Connect” in chapter 1. This will show your sense of your worthiness of love.
Answer the following questions to help you better understand how you
maintain
your self-perception of being unworthy of love (to the extent that you do feel this way). It’s an important step toward breaking the cycle. Complete it in relation to your partner, as well as to other close people in your life. Repeat the exercise daily until you have a natural awareness of these issues as you go through your days. Because the drive to self-verify can make this difficult to do, write out your answers as a way to stay focused and guide yourself. Hold on to them to help complete an exercise in the next chapter. You might also find it helpful to talk about this with a supportive partner or another person you trust.
Challenging Selective Attention
What occurred during the day that showed you that you are worthy of love, or that at least brings into question your self-perception of being unlovable? Pick one or two situations (for instance, your partner wanted to watch TV together, or a friend phoned you).
How did you feel in these situations? (For instance, happy, uncomfortable, confused, nothing.)
How did you think about these situations? For instance, did you dismiss or minimize this feedback? Did you doubt the honesty or competence of the person giving it? (For example, did you assume your partner wanted to watch TV with you only out of habit?)
Can you see how you are—or might be—self-verifying with selective attention?
Challenging Selective Memory
What good or positive things did you do today? (Everything counts; nothing is too insignificant.)
In what ways have family, friends, or even acquaintances shown that they appreciate you?
In what ways did your partner show that he or she cares about you?
Challenging Selective Interpretation
If you think someone has shown you in some way that you are unlovable, could you be misinterpreting the other person’s motivation or intentions? (For example, did you misperceive his tiredness as your being uninteresting or unlovable?)
Could you be making the feedback worse than was intended? (For instance, thinking you’re flawed and unlovable when your partner was just trying to talk about something that upset him.)
Are you downplaying your strengths and focusing on ways that you don’t live up to your own unrealistic expectations or to the achievements of your partner and others?
Consider your responses in each of the sections above on challenging selective attention, memory, and interpretation. Note how you self-verify in each of these ways. What themes do you see? For instance, you might become easily jealous; or constantly be preparing to be rejected; or frequently point out to yourself that you are inadequate, flawed, or not as good as your partner. You might also struggle with thinking your partner will stop loving
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