something in her eyes earlier at the bar and I know exactly what to say. I take a deep breath, lift my eyes to hers, and lie.
“Because you’re a good enough replacement for Ana.”
The slap is swift and stinging. I stare at my best friend and watch her shatter. I tell myself I am saving her from me, but it isn’t a good feeling. It doesn’t make me feel better. It makes me feel sick and horrible. I want to take the words back. I want to pull her into my arms and tell her I love her and that I didn’t mean it. I want to tell her she is everything and I am nothing unless she’s with me.
She stares at me for a long time, looking at me like she doesn’t know me and it kills me—seeing that look on her face and having it directed at me. Lily is visibly shaking, her features twisted with pain. I hurt from hurting her.
“Get out,” she finally says, quietly and slowly.
I turn and leave without a word, closing my eyes against the burning in them, and force myself away fr om the only place I want to be.
Chapter 7
I get up at seven with less than four hours of sleep. My eyes struggle to stay open as I dress in black running shorts, a white tee shirt, and running shoes. I don’t bother with my contacts or glasses, figuring I don’t need to see every detail of the scenery around me when I run. I just have to see where I’m going.
The early hours of the day—the look in Lily’s eyes at my words—are haunting me. I have to run or I’ll drive myself crazy thinking about what she’s thinking and feeling, wondering if she’s hurting. Of course she’s hurting. I can’t believe I screwed up so bad. I should have kept that kiss non-existent, along with the words I uttered afterward. Only that kiss was amazing and I can’t regret it, not if I’m being honest with myself.
My mom is still sleeping. She usually doesn’t get up until mid-morning. My dad just sits on the couch while Aidan watches cartoons and shovels cereal into his mouth. My dad looks half-asleep, his eyes unfocused, and his hair sticking up in places. The blanket and pillow are put away, leaving no evidence my father slept on the couch. They look so much alike—my brother and father. Even their hair is messed up the same way.
“Hey.”
My dad’s eyes slowly lift to mine. “Hey. Going for a run?”
I nod. I run almost every morning. Lily usually runs with me, but I know she won’t be this morning. A sharp pain stabs my chest at the realization and I struggle to breathe through it.
“Want to play some basketball later with me and Aidan?”
“Yeah. After my run?”
My dad nods and turns his attention back to the television. I wink at Aidan and he grins back, mouth full of cereal. I ruffle his hair as I pass by. It’s strange—this four-person family that somehow functions better with only three.
I go outside, shivering in the cold air, and sit down on the chilly cement sidewalk in front of the white two-story house with green trim I call home. I straighten my legs and stretch my hands toward them, loosening up the muscles.
Black and purple shoes and pale legs appear in front of me and I look up, emotion punching me in the gut at the sight of Lily scowling down at me. She’s wearing white running shorts and a white jacket, her legs toned. Her arms are crossed and her hair is pulled back in a messy ponytail, loose strands of hair framing her face.
“Hi,” I choke out, blinking my eyes against the stinging in them. I want to say it’s from the sun, but it isn’t.
“I’m sorry for…” Lily gestures to my face, grimacing.
“I deserved it.”
“You didn’t. No matter what you said, you didn’t deserve that.” Her expression is twisted with regret.
“It’s okay, Lily, really,” I tell her softly. “But don’t do it again,” I add, trying to lighten the tension between us.
“I know you lied,” she says in a low voice.
I slowly stand. “I—“
She puts out a hand to silence me. “I know you lied, so
“Because you’re a good enough replacement for Ana.”
The slap is swift and stinging. I stare at my best friend and watch her shatter. I tell myself I am saving her from me, but it isn’t a good feeling. It doesn’t make me feel better. It makes me feel sick and horrible. I want to take the words back. I want to pull her into my arms and tell her I love her and that I didn’t mean it. I want to tell her she is everything and I am nothing unless she’s with me.
She stares at me for a long time, looking at me like she doesn’t know me and it kills me—seeing that look on her face and having it directed at me. Lily is visibly shaking, her features twisted with pain. I hurt from hurting her.
“Get out,” she finally says, quietly and slowly.
I turn and leave without a word, closing my eyes against the burning in them, and force myself away fr om the only place I want to be.
Chapter 7
I get up at seven with less than four hours of sleep. My eyes struggle to stay open as I dress in black running shorts, a white tee shirt, and running shoes. I don’t bother with my contacts or glasses, figuring I don’t need to see every detail of the scenery around me when I run. I just have to see where I’m going.
The early hours of the day—the look in Lily’s eyes at my words—are haunting me. I have to run or I’ll drive myself crazy thinking about what she’s thinking and feeling, wondering if she’s hurting. Of course she’s hurting. I can’t believe I screwed up so bad. I should have kept that kiss non-existent, along with the words I uttered afterward. Only that kiss was amazing and I can’t regret it, not if I’m being honest with myself.
My mom is still sleeping. She usually doesn’t get up until mid-morning. My dad just sits on the couch while Aidan watches cartoons and shovels cereal into his mouth. My dad looks half-asleep, his eyes unfocused, and his hair sticking up in places. The blanket and pillow are put away, leaving no evidence my father slept on the couch. They look so much alike—my brother and father. Even their hair is messed up the same way.
“Hey.”
My dad’s eyes slowly lift to mine. “Hey. Going for a run?”
I nod. I run almost every morning. Lily usually runs with me, but I know she won’t be this morning. A sharp pain stabs my chest at the realization and I struggle to breathe through it.
“Want to play some basketball later with me and Aidan?”
“Yeah. After my run?”
My dad nods and turns his attention back to the television. I wink at Aidan and he grins back, mouth full of cereal. I ruffle his hair as I pass by. It’s strange—this four-person family that somehow functions better with only three.
I go outside, shivering in the cold air, and sit down on the chilly cement sidewalk in front of the white two-story house with green trim I call home. I straighten my legs and stretch my hands toward them, loosening up the muscles.
Black and purple shoes and pale legs appear in front of me and I look up, emotion punching me in the gut at the sight of Lily scowling down at me. She’s wearing white running shorts and a white jacket, her legs toned. Her arms are crossed and her hair is pulled back in a messy ponytail, loose strands of hair framing her face.
“Hi,” I choke out, blinking my eyes against the stinging in them. I want to say it’s from the sun, but it isn’t.
“I’m sorry for…” Lily gestures to my face, grimacing.
“I deserved it.”
“You didn’t. No matter what you said, you didn’t deserve that.” Her expression is twisted with regret.
“It’s okay, Lily, really,” I tell her softly. “But don’t do it again,” I add, trying to lighten the tension between us.
“I know you lied,” she says in a low voice.
I slowly stand. “I—“
She puts out a hand to silence me. “I know you lied, so
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