Read Online I Love Everybody (and Other Atrocious Lies) by Laurie Notaro - Free Book Online Page A
Authors: Laurie Notaro
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was a remote control, the disasters that resulted would be containable, hardly anyone, family members and strangers alike, could get offended, and it would occupy her at the same time.
And boy, oh boy, did it. Once Nana found Lifetime Television, hardly anything else existed. One-time staple favorites such as
Golden Girls
and
Touched by an Angel
(although the official Nana version of those shows are, respectively,
Old and Girls
and
An Angel Is Touching Me
) took a backseat to any movie starring the reigning HRH of melodrama, Susan Lucci, and also applied to court attendees Lindsay Wagner, Melissa Gilbert, Harry Hamlin, and Corbin Bernsen. If a baby-stealing ring was involved, even
JAG
(
Jack
) was in danger.
Now that her call-waiting no longer posed a threat to anyone, you could call Nana at any point in the day, ask her how she was, and she’d say, “Oh, me, I’m fine, but that poor Lynda Carter went to the doctor and guess what he did to her? A bad thing.
A very bad thing.
Oh God. No one believes her. But it’s true, and now she’s going to have a baby.
From the bad doctor.
I don’t know what she’s going to do. What a mess!”
“That’s too bad,” I’d reply. “Where did you see this?”
“On the television.
Crimes of Passion: She Woke Up Pregnant,
” Nana says. “It’s a
very
appropriate title.”
Or you could be at lunch with Nana, and all of a sudden she’d feel compelled to tell you, “Oh God. Listen to what I found out. Remember that girl from
The Partridge Family
? The one who played the piano and then when she grew up she became a lawyer? You’ll never believe what happened to her. She was a cocaine addict and then she was foolin’ around with this fellow, and
bing!
she gets pregnant. Not married, not married. To make matters worse, the little bastard baby was born early and was a drug addict, too! Can you believe that? You would think she would know better, she was a lawyer, but no. I wonder what Shirley Jones said about that, I wonder.”
“What a shame,” I’d be forced to respond. “And you know this because . . .”
“Because of the television.
Love, Lies, and Lullabies,
” Nana would say, shaking her head. “That says it all, doesn’t it?”
Or I’d be talking to my mother or one of my sisters about a friend who, for example, was having trouble at work, and you could count on Nana to pipe in, “That reminds me of a lady up in Canada who was a truck driver who fought the mob because all of the men in her union were afraid to, but you know, how hard could that have been? Not to take away anything from her story,
Mother Trucker,
but you know, what kind of mobster lives in Canada? It’s a very polite country and most of the people speak French. I could go and be a mobster there, that’s how nice they are. I bet the ‘mobsters’ up there don’t even kill anybody that gets in their way, they just crank-call them. Besides, how can you eat macaroni with a croissant? That’s just disgusting.”
Or you could arrive at Nana’s house to pick her up for a family function and get roped into seeing the final, climactic moments of whichever movie she was watching.
“But you’ve seen
Baby Brokers
a hundred times,” I once tried to argue.
“What, are you stupid?” Nana quickly shot back. “
Baby Brokers
is a show about Cybill Shepherd getting conned when she adopts a baby from a shady, unwed couple!
This
is
Baby Snatcher, that
is Nancy McKeon, and she pretended to be pregnant and then stole a baby! They are completely different stories! Cybill Shepherd would
never
steal a baby!”
“Maybe Lynda Carter could give Nancy McKeon her doctor’s number,” I suggested. “And then we could get to Mom’s birthday dinner on time.”
But it was no use arguing, and that, exactly, is how I ended up watching, almost in its entirety, a movie starring Tori Spelling and her croquet-ball boobs about a nave girl whose two-faced boyfriend is a credit card thief, a liar, and, of course, a
And boy, oh boy, did it. Once Nana found Lifetime Television, hardly anything else existed. One-time staple favorites such as
Golden Girls
and
Touched by an Angel
(although the official Nana version of those shows are, respectively,
Old and Girls
and
An Angel Is Touching Me
) took a backseat to any movie starring the reigning HRH of melodrama, Susan Lucci, and also applied to court attendees Lindsay Wagner, Melissa Gilbert, Harry Hamlin, and Corbin Bernsen. If a baby-stealing ring was involved, even
JAG
(
Jack
) was in danger.
Now that her call-waiting no longer posed a threat to anyone, you could call Nana at any point in the day, ask her how she was, and she’d say, “Oh, me, I’m fine, but that poor Lynda Carter went to the doctor and guess what he did to her? A bad thing.
A very bad thing.
Oh God. No one believes her. But it’s true, and now she’s going to have a baby.
From the bad doctor.
I don’t know what she’s going to do. What a mess!”
“That’s too bad,” I’d reply. “Where did you see this?”
“On the television.
Crimes of Passion: She Woke Up Pregnant,
” Nana says. “It’s a
very
appropriate title.”
Or you could be at lunch with Nana, and all of a sudden she’d feel compelled to tell you, “Oh God. Listen to what I found out. Remember that girl from
The Partridge Family
? The one who played the piano and then when she grew up she became a lawyer? You’ll never believe what happened to her. She was a cocaine addict and then she was foolin’ around with this fellow, and
bing!
she gets pregnant. Not married, not married. To make matters worse, the little bastard baby was born early and was a drug addict, too! Can you believe that? You would think she would know better, she was a lawyer, but no. I wonder what Shirley Jones said about that, I wonder.”
“What a shame,” I’d be forced to respond. “And you know this because . . .”
“Because of the television.
Love, Lies, and Lullabies,
” Nana would say, shaking her head. “That says it all, doesn’t it?”
Or I’d be talking to my mother or one of my sisters about a friend who, for example, was having trouble at work, and you could count on Nana to pipe in, “That reminds me of a lady up in Canada who was a truck driver who fought the mob because all of the men in her union were afraid to, but you know, how hard could that have been? Not to take away anything from her story,
Mother Trucker,
but you know, what kind of mobster lives in Canada? It’s a very polite country and most of the people speak French. I could go and be a mobster there, that’s how nice they are. I bet the ‘mobsters’ up there don’t even kill anybody that gets in their way, they just crank-call them. Besides, how can you eat macaroni with a croissant? That’s just disgusting.”
Or you could arrive at Nana’s house to pick her up for a family function and get roped into seeing the final, climactic moments of whichever movie she was watching.
“But you’ve seen
Baby Brokers
a hundred times,” I once tried to argue.
“What, are you stupid?” Nana quickly shot back. “
Baby Brokers
is a show about Cybill Shepherd getting conned when she adopts a baby from a shady, unwed couple!
This
is
Baby Snatcher, that
is Nancy McKeon, and she pretended to be pregnant and then stole a baby! They are completely different stories! Cybill Shepherd would
never
steal a baby!”
“Maybe Lynda Carter could give Nancy McKeon her doctor’s number,” I suggested. “And then we could get to Mom’s birthday dinner on time.”
But it was no use arguing, and that, exactly, is how I ended up watching, almost in its entirety, a movie starring Tori Spelling and her croquet-ball boobs about a nave girl whose two-faced boyfriend is a credit card thief, a liar, and, of course, a
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