Read Online I Love Everybody (and Other Atrocious Lies) by Laurie Notaro - Free Book Online
Authors: Laurie Notaro
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to waste and I grabbed my car keys and headed out to the freeway.
I panicked the whole way there as several grisly scenarios shot through my head, but nothing could prepare me for the horror I found when Nana met me at the door. Not the thought of Nana being overcome by Clorox fumes as she vigorously scrubbed away on an already pristine bathtub; not the thought of one of her body parts or, if curiosity got the better of her, possibly an eyeball, getting sucked up by her Electrolux as she vacuumed her already unsullied carpet; not the thought of her getting nearly decapitated by the massive, plastic hinged lid of the community Dumpster after she tossed in her weekly contribution of “Who Needs This Crap?” which could very easily consist of valuable World War Two memorabilia, newspaper headlines documenting the last six decades’ worth of historical events that my grandfather had spent years collecting, or even her wedding dress.
Nothing.
Because when I walked through that door, there stood my Nana, pale, clammy, and shaking, clutching the remote control in her hand.
“Oh God,” Nana cried as she put her free hand to her head. “You have no idea what I have been through. No idea. I was just sitting here, watching the television about how New Orleans just had a big earthquake and now it’s sinking when all of a sudden I heard a big noise outside! At first, I thought it was part of the story about New Orleans, because I tell you, was that a mess? That was a mess! People running, screaming, crying, bloody, all over the place! What a nightmare. Big crashes, like the one I heard outside, and Laurie, I tell you, no one was doing anything! The only one doing anything was James Garner, because he warned the mayor of New Orleans about this, way in advance, I guess he had a feeling about it, you know? But did anyone listen? No! And now, it was all up to James Garner to save the city and he was dragging a pregnant lady out of a burning building when I heard that big noise outside! He was at his friend Marty’s party, too, when all of this happened but he left to save people’s lives. But his friend Marty Graw’s get-together was a disaster, just a disaster. Imagine having a party and all of a sudden everyone is bleeding and has broken legs? Poor Marty Graw! After I heard the noise outside, I went to the TV to see if James Garner had saved the pregnant lady, but my television was off and my electricity had gone out!”
Upon first hearing about the sad, tragic, and apparently avoidable destruction of New Orleans, my blood pressure shot up, but then I remembered who I was talking to.
“Okay, now when New Orleans had the earthquake on TV,” I said slowly, “did you see Tom Brokaw, or did you just see James Garner?”
Nana paused for a moment. “What the hell would Tom Brokaw be doing in New Orleans?” she said, looking very puzzled. “Now how could he be there? I’m sure he had to be on the news that night, he can’t be running around the country every time the ground shakes a little!”
“And you weren’t watching CNN or anything?” I questioned.
“See An End?” Nana replied. “I don’t know what you’re talking about. I was watching television, I told you!”
“Lifetime Television,” I added.
“It’s Television for
Women,
” Nana added proudly. “And I can’t get it anymore! When the lights went out after the boom, the screen went dark. And now, the lights are back on, but my Lifetime is gone. It’s gone and I don’t know what to do! Help me get it back! Help me! The TV has been out for almost fifteen minutes and who knows what’s going on in New Orleans by now! It may have sunk into the ocean, because James Garner said that was a possibility, you know!”
Honestly, I didn’t really know what to do, but I knew I had a mammoth problem on my hands because after we revoked Nana’s phone accessory rights, we all kind of felt bad, so we got her cable TV. It made sense that if all she had to work
I panicked the whole way there as several grisly scenarios shot through my head, but nothing could prepare me for the horror I found when Nana met me at the door. Not the thought of Nana being overcome by Clorox fumes as she vigorously scrubbed away on an already pristine bathtub; not the thought of one of her body parts or, if curiosity got the better of her, possibly an eyeball, getting sucked up by her Electrolux as she vacuumed her already unsullied carpet; not the thought of her getting nearly decapitated by the massive, plastic hinged lid of the community Dumpster after she tossed in her weekly contribution of “Who Needs This Crap?” which could very easily consist of valuable World War Two memorabilia, newspaper headlines documenting the last six decades’ worth of historical events that my grandfather had spent years collecting, or even her wedding dress.
Nothing.
Because when I walked through that door, there stood my Nana, pale, clammy, and shaking, clutching the remote control in her hand.
“Oh God,” Nana cried as she put her free hand to her head. “You have no idea what I have been through. No idea. I was just sitting here, watching the television about how New Orleans just had a big earthquake and now it’s sinking when all of a sudden I heard a big noise outside! At first, I thought it was part of the story about New Orleans, because I tell you, was that a mess? That was a mess! People running, screaming, crying, bloody, all over the place! What a nightmare. Big crashes, like the one I heard outside, and Laurie, I tell you, no one was doing anything! The only one doing anything was James Garner, because he warned the mayor of New Orleans about this, way in advance, I guess he had a feeling about it, you know? But did anyone listen? No! And now, it was all up to James Garner to save the city and he was dragging a pregnant lady out of a burning building when I heard that big noise outside! He was at his friend Marty’s party, too, when all of this happened but he left to save people’s lives. But his friend Marty Graw’s get-together was a disaster, just a disaster. Imagine having a party and all of a sudden everyone is bleeding and has broken legs? Poor Marty Graw! After I heard the noise outside, I went to the TV to see if James Garner had saved the pregnant lady, but my television was off and my electricity had gone out!”
Upon first hearing about the sad, tragic, and apparently avoidable destruction of New Orleans, my blood pressure shot up, but then I remembered who I was talking to.
“Okay, now when New Orleans had the earthquake on TV,” I said slowly, “did you see Tom Brokaw, or did you just see James Garner?”
Nana paused for a moment. “What the hell would Tom Brokaw be doing in New Orleans?” she said, looking very puzzled. “Now how could he be there? I’m sure he had to be on the news that night, he can’t be running around the country every time the ground shakes a little!”
“And you weren’t watching CNN or anything?” I questioned.
“See An End?” Nana replied. “I don’t know what you’re talking about. I was watching television, I told you!”
“Lifetime Television,” I added.
“It’s Television for
Women,
” Nana added proudly. “And I can’t get it anymore! When the lights went out after the boom, the screen went dark. And now, the lights are back on, but my Lifetime is gone. It’s gone and I don’t know what to do! Help me get it back! Help me! The TV has been out for almost fifteen minutes and who knows what’s going on in New Orleans by now! It may have sunk into the ocean, because James Garner said that was a possibility, you know!”
Honestly, I didn’t really know what to do, but I knew I had a mammoth problem on my hands because after we revoked Nana’s phone accessory rights, we all kind of felt bad, so we got her cable TV. It made sense that if all she had to work
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