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Authors: Ph.D. Barbara Keesling
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This exercise does not begin until the passive partner is completely relaxed.
As the active partner, you are going to start slowly, gently stroking the front of her body for about fifteen or twenty minutes. The style of touching is called a caress. When you caress, you touch in a very, very slow, focused fashion. Because this is a genital caress, your stroking is going to focus primarily on her genitals, though it does not have to be limited to her genitals.
Slowly start to caress her genitals with your fingers or mouth, touching both the outside and inside of her vagina.
Use lots of lubrication. Focus intently on the areas you are touching. Pay careful attention to what they feel like and what they look like. Absorb yourself in those sensations.
Remember that this is a demand-free exercise. You are not touching to please her or to turn her on. You are touching to please you . That takes the pressure off her and it also takes the pressure off you.
All your partner needs to do is lie still, relax, and feel her sensations. She should stay completely passive, with her eyes closed. She shouldn’t move. She should not try to reciprocate.
She should not
HOW TO MAKE LOVE ALL NIGHT / 75
talk unless you are making her uncomfortable. She needs only to let herself feel your touch. If she gets distracted, she needs to gently bring her focus back to where you are touching her. If you notice her body getting tense, lightly pat her on the leg as a signal for her to relax. Try to stay as focused as possible, deeply absorbed in touching her and the way that feels. If your mind starts wandering, you need to gently refocus your mind on the caress. It doesn’t matter how many times your mind strays. All that matters is that each time you recognize the shift, you bring yourself back to the exercise.
This is a wonderful technique for learning to relax and connect to your feelings. Your only goal is to get as much pleasure as possible for yourself while your partner is getting as much pleasure as possible for herself. If you find yourself getting mechanical or getting bored with your caressing, slow down. Chances are, you aren’t letting yourself really be in the moment.
TROUBLESHOOTING TIP: If you start rubbing your partner’s clitoris or trying to turn her on in some way, she will be able to feel the shift in your intentions. She is playing the passive role and is not supposed to respond in any way. So don’t try to change the rules. Stick with the program.
Now it’s your turn. Once you’ve played the active role for about twenty minutes, you are ready to switch roles. (Of course, you can take longer if
76 / BARBARA KEESLING, PH.D.
you wish.) This time, the man will be taking the passive role.
Lie down comfortably on your back with your legs slightly spread. Let your arms rest at your sides, or place them under your head. Once you have settled into a position, try not to change it.
Your partner will spend the next twenty or so minutes caressing the front of your body, concentrating primarily on caressing your genitals. I recommend she uses baby oil or some other lubricant you both like. She can caress you with her hands, with her mouth, or with both.
Your job is to stay focused on her touch, and how it feels.
Don’t move around and don’t talk. Let your partner explore the feeling of touching your penis and scrotum.
It does not matter whether or not you get an erection. A soft penis should feel as good to her as a hard penis, just different. She is only focusing on the sensation of touching you, not on your arousal (and not on hers). If you do get an erection, it is very important to understand that you don’t have to do anything with it. All you need to do right now is enjoy the sensations of your own arousal.
TROUBLESHOOTING TIP: Make sure your partner knows that her goal is not to turn you on. All she is supposed to do is touch you in a way that feels good to her .
Don’t flex your PC muscle during this exercise.
As the active partner, you are going to start slowly, gently stroking the front of her body for about fifteen or twenty minutes. The style of touching is called a caress. When you caress, you touch in a very, very slow, focused fashion. Because this is a genital caress, your stroking is going to focus primarily on her genitals, though it does not have to be limited to her genitals.
Slowly start to caress her genitals with your fingers or mouth, touching both the outside and inside of her vagina.
Use lots of lubrication. Focus intently on the areas you are touching. Pay careful attention to what they feel like and what they look like. Absorb yourself in those sensations.
Remember that this is a demand-free exercise. You are not touching to please her or to turn her on. You are touching to please you . That takes the pressure off her and it also takes the pressure off you.
All your partner needs to do is lie still, relax, and feel her sensations. She should stay completely passive, with her eyes closed. She shouldn’t move. She should not try to reciprocate.
She should not
HOW TO MAKE LOVE ALL NIGHT / 75
talk unless you are making her uncomfortable. She needs only to let herself feel your touch. If she gets distracted, she needs to gently bring her focus back to where you are touching her. If you notice her body getting tense, lightly pat her on the leg as a signal for her to relax. Try to stay as focused as possible, deeply absorbed in touching her and the way that feels. If your mind starts wandering, you need to gently refocus your mind on the caress. It doesn’t matter how many times your mind strays. All that matters is that each time you recognize the shift, you bring yourself back to the exercise.
This is a wonderful technique for learning to relax and connect to your feelings. Your only goal is to get as much pleasure as possible for yourself while your partner is getting as much pleasure as possible for herself. If you find yourself getting mechanical or getting bored with your caressing, slow down. Chances are, you aren’t letting yourself really be in the moment.
TROUBLESHOOTING TIP: If you start rubbing your partner’s clitoris or trying to turn her on in some way, she will be able to feel the shift in your intentions. She is playing the passive role and is not supposed to respond in any way. So don’t try to change the rules. Stick with the program.
Now it’s your turn. Once you’ve played the active role for about twenty minutes, you are ready to switch roles. (Of course, you can take longer if
76 / BARBARA KEESLING, PH.D.
you wish.) This time, the man will be taking the passive role.
Lie down comfortably on your back with your legs slightly spread. Let your arms rest at your sides, or place them under your head. Once you have settled into a position, try not to change it.
Your partner will spend the next twenty or so minutes caressing the front of your body, concentrating primarily on caressing your genitals. I recommend she uses baby oil or some other lubricant you both like. She can caress you with her hands, with her mouth, or with both.
Your job is to stay focused on her touch, and how it feels.
Don’t move around and don’t talk. Let your partner explore the feeling of touching your penis and scrotum.
It does not matter whether or not you get an erection. A soft penis should feel as good to her as a hard penis, just different. She is only focusing on the sensation of touching you, not on your arousal (and not on hers). If you do get an erection, it is very important to understand that you don’t have to do anything with it. All you need to do right now is enjoy the sensations of your own arousal.
TROUBLESHOOTING TIP: Make sure your partner knows that her goal is not to turn you on. All she is supposed to do is touch you in a way that feels good to her .
Don’t flex your PC muscle during this exercise.
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