Chapter One: Bah Humbug
I shook my head as I watched Shelley toss back another shot. Her face looked oddly green in the glow from thousands of colored holiday lights, part of the Tacky Christmas theme the office decorators had apparently gone for. Shelley's day had been hellacious. No one could deny that, but getting trashed at the office Christmas party wasn't going to get her any closer to the promotion she wanted.
She slammed down her glass and shouted at Dane, the bartender, for another. If he hadn't glanced her way, I would've doubted he'd heard over the blaring strains of a squeaky-voiced rendition of The Christmas Song that would've made Nat King Cole slam his head against the wall.
Dane handed a glass of white wine to an older woman from investor services before heading our way. I couldn't help but notice the line of his jaw, the softness of his lips, the scruff on his face. I usually found the scruffy look obnoxious, but on him, it looked anything but.
He usually worked in The Coffee Bean, a shop in the lobby of our building, and a few times—okay, maybe more than a few—I'd gotten a second cup of coffee just to catch a glimpse of him. The thing is, I'm not gay. I mean—yeah, I've noticed men before, but it wasn't like I wanted to sleep with them. I was just acknowledging that they looked good. Sculpted bodies, soft, well-trimmed beards, a beautiful pair of eyes—I was appreciating them, like art.
But I couldn't fathom the intensity of my attraction to Dane. If he was anywhere near me, I was instantly aware of him. And when I thought about him, about what it would be like to… No, I didn't need that kind of complication. I no longer believed it was wrong to be gay, despite what my parents had drilled into me as a kid. It just…wasn't me. I'd been through enough changes in the last two years. I'd cut myself off from my family, from their expectations, from most of my childhood friends. I couldn't pretend to be who they wanted me to be.
Once I'd gotten away—thanks to a scholarship to LSU that allowed me to transfer from the Bible college my parents had sent me to—I realized I was absolutely right to have doubts about the beliefs I'd been forced to swallow. I stopped going to church. I started voting for liberals. I even indulged in alcoholic beverages, and after waiting longer than one might have thought possible, I had sex—out of wedlock. It hadn't been as good as I'd expected, though. Maybe I'd waited too long, built up the experience too much, or maybe I still feared just a little bit that God would strike me down for turning my back on my promise to my parents, but sex hadn't been as life-changing as I expected. Pleasurable, but not earth-shattering.
Would it be earth-shattering with Dane?
Where had that thought come from? The last thing I needed was another major life change. Rejecting nearly everything I'd been taught growing up was enough to last me for a few more years. I'd graduated and gotten an excellent job in the marketing department of a bank in downtown Baton Rouge. Over the last year, I'd proven I could support myself. The only way my family would help me was if I repented and returned to the bosom of the church. I was determined to show them just how successful I could be without biblical guidance.
I hadn't decided yet if I believed in God or not, but I definitely didn't believe in the God my parents worshipped. If He or She were out there, God wasn't a bigot or a hypocrite. That I was certain of.
Dane caught my eye and raised a brow, clearly asking me if he should serve Shelley another drink. I shook my head and wrapped my arm around her shoulders. "You've had enough. Let me take you home."
She pulled away and grinned at Dane. "You're not going to listen to him, are you? He's way too much of a killjoy. It's sad really."
My face heated. "Shelley, please. Let's just go."
"Are you really going to refuse me?" she asked Dane.
"I think you'd do best to listen to your
I shook my head as I watched Shelley toss back another shot. Her face looked oddly green in the glow from thousands of colored holiday lights, part of the Tacky Christmas theme the office decorators had apparently gone for. Shelley's day had been hellacious. No one could deny that, but getting trashed at the office Christmas party wasn't going to get her any closer to the promotion she wanted.
She slammed down her glass and shouted at Dane, the bartender, for another. If he hadn't glanced her way, I would've doubted he'd heard over the blaring strains of a squeaky-voiced rendition of The Christmas Song that would've made Nat King Cole slam his head against the wall.
Dane handed a glass of white wine to an older woman from investor services before heading our way. I couldn't help but notice the line of his jaw, the softness of his lips, the scruff on his face. I usually found the scruffy look obnoxious, but on him, it looked anything but.
He usually worked in The Coffee Bean, a shop in the lobby of our building, and a few times—okay, maybe more than a few—I'd gotten a second cup of coffee just to catch a glimpse of him. The thing is, I'm not gay. I mean—yeah, I've noticed men before, but it wasn't like I wanted to sleep with them. I was just acknowledging that they looked good. Sculpted bodies, soft, well-trimmed beards, a beautiful pair of eyes—I was appreciating them, like art.
But I couldn't fathom the intensity of my attraction to Dane. If he was anywhere near me, I was instantly aware of him. And when I thought about him, about what it would be like to… No, I didn't need that kind of complication. I no longer believed it was wrong to be gay, despite what my parents had drilled into me as a kid. It just…wasn't me. I'd been through enough changes in the last two years. I'd cut myself off from my family, from their expectations, from most of my childhood friends. I couldn't pretend to be who they wanted me to be.
Once I'd gotten away—thanks to a scholarship to LSU that allowed me to transfer from the Bible college my parents had sent me to—I realized I was absolutely right to have doubts about the beliefs I'd been forced to swallow. I stopped going to church. I started voting for liberals. I even indulged in alcoholic beverages, and after waiting longer than one might have thought possible, I had sex—out of wedlock. It hadn't been as good as I'd expected, though. Maybe I'd waited too long, built up the experience too much, or maybe I still feared just a little bit that God would strike me down for turning my back on my promise to my parents, but sex hadn't been as life-changing as I expected. Pleasurable, but not earth-shattering.
Would it be earth-shattering with Dane?
Where had that thought come from? The last thing I needed was another major life change. Rejecting nearly everything I'd been taught growing up was enough to last me for a few more years. I'd graduated and gotten an excellent job in the marketing department of a bank in downtown Baton Rouge. Over the last year, I'd proven I could support myself. The only way my family would help me was if I repented and returned to the bosom of the church. I was determined to show them just how successful I could be without biblical guidance.
I hadn't decided yet if I believed in God or not, but I definitely didn't believe in the God my parents worshipped. If He or She were out there, God wasn't a bigot or a hypocrite. That I was certain of.
Dane caught my eye and raised a brow, clearly asking me if he should serve Shelley another drink. I shook my head and wrapped my arm around her shoulders. "You've had enough. Let me take you home."
She pulled away and grinned at Dane. "You're not going to listen to him, are you? He's way too much of a killjoy. It's sad really."
My face heated. "Shelley, please. Let's just go."
"Are you really going to refuse me?" she asked Dane.
"I think you'd do best to listen to your
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