Read Online Heavy Weather by P. G. Wodehouse - Free Book Online
Authors: P. G. Wodehouse
Tags: Humour
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offering me a cigar. But he's a queer bird. Years of exporting and importing have warped his mind a bit, with the result that for some reason I can't pretend to understand he appears to look on me as a sort of waster. The first thing he did when I ankled in and told him that subject to his approval 1 was about to marry his daughter was to ask me how I earned my living.' 'That must have been rather a shock.'
'It was. And a still worse one was when he went on to add that unless I got a job of some kind and held it down for a solid year, to show him that I wasn't a sort of waster, those wedding bells would never ring out.'
' You poor lamb. How perfectly awful!'
'Ghastly. I reeled. I stared. I couldn't believe the fellow was serious. When I found he was, I raced off to Gertrude and told her to jam her hat on and come round to the nearest registrar's. Only to discover, Sue, that she was one of those old-fashioned girls who won't dream of doing the dirty on Father. Solid middle-class stock, you understand. Backbone of England, and all that. So, elopements being off, I had no alternative but to fall in with the man's extraordinary scheme. I got my Uncle Gregory to place me with the Mammoth Publishing Company in the capacity of assistant editor of Tiny Tots. And if only I could have contrived to remain an assistant editor, I should be there now. But my boss went off on a holiday, silly ass, leaving me in charge of the sheet and in a well-meant attempt to ginger the bally thing up a bit I made rather a bloomer in the Uncle Woggly department. The result being that a couple of days ago they formed a hollow square and drummed me out. And now I'm starting all over again at Blandings.'
'I see. I couldn't understand why you wanted to be Lord Emsworth's secretary. I was afraid you must have lost all your money.'
'Oh, no. I've got my money all right. And what,' demanded Monty, swinging an arm in a passionate gesture and hitting a waiter on the chest and saying 'Oh, sorry!' 'does money amount to? What is money? Fairy gold. That's what it is. Dead Sea fruit. Because it doesn't help me a damn towards scooping in Gertrude.'
'Is she an awfully nice girl?'
'An angel, Sue. No question about that. Quite the angel, absolutely.'
'Well, I do hope you will come out all right, Monty dear.' 'Thanks, old thing.'
'And I'm glad you didn't pine for me. I've felt guilty at times.'
'Oh, I pined. Oh, yes, certainly I pined . But you know how it is. One perks up and sees fresh faces. Tell me, Sue,' said Monty anxiously. 'I ought to be able to hold down that secretary job for a year, oughtn't I? I mean, people don't fire secretaries much, do they?'
'If Hugo could keep the place, I should think you ought to be able to. How are you on pigs ?' 'Pigs?'
'Lord Emsworth ...'
' Of course, yes, I remember now, Hugo told me. The old boy has gone porcine, has he not ? You mean you would advise me to suck up to his pig, this what's-its-name of Blandings, to omit no word or act to conciliate it? Thanks for the tip. I'll bear it in mind.' He beamed affectionately at her across the table, and went so far as to take her hand in his. 'You've cheered me up, young Sue. You always did, I remember. You've got one of those sunny temperaments which look on the bright side and never fail to spot the blue bird. As you say, if a chap like Hugo could hold the job, it ought to be a snip for a man of my gifts, especially if I show myself pig-conscious. I anticipate a pleasant and successful year, with a wedding at the end of it. By which time, I take it, you will be an old married woman. When do you and Ronnie plan to leap off the dock?'
'As soon as ever Lord Emsworth lets him have his money. He wants to buy a partnership in a motor business.' 'Any opposish from the family?'
'Well, I don't think Lady Constance is frightfully pleased about it all.'
'Possibly it slipped out by some chance that you had been in the chorus?' 'It was mentioned.'
'Ah, that would account for it. But
'It was. And a still worse one was when he went on to add that unless I got a job of some kind and held it down for a solid year, to show him that I wasn't a sort of waster, those wedding bells would never ring out.'
' You poor lamb. How perfectly awful!'
'Ghastly. I reeled. I stared. I couldn't believe the fellow was serious. When I found he was, I raced off to Gertrude and told her to jam her hat on and come round to the nearest registrar's. Only to discover, Sue, that she was one of those old-fashioned girls who won't dream of doing the dirty on Father. Solid middle-class stock, you understand. Backbone of England, and all that. So, elopements being off, I had no alternative but to fall in with the man's extraordinary scheme. I got my Uncle Gregory to place me with the Mammoth Publishing Company in the capacity of assistant editor of Tiny Tots. And if only I could have contrived to remain an assistant editor, I should be there now. But my boss went off on a holiday, silly ass, leaving me in charge of the sheet and in a well-meant attempt to ginger the bally thing up a bit I made rather a bloomer in the Uncle Woggly department. The result being that a couple of days ago they formed a hollow square and drummed me out. And now I'm starting all over again at Blandings.'
'I see. I couldn't understand why you wanted to be Lord Emsworth's secretary. I was afraid you must have lost all your money.'
'Oh, no. I've got my money all right. And what,' demanded Monty, swinging an arm in a passionate gesture and hitting a waiter on the chest and saying 'Oh, sorry!' 'does money amount to? What is money? Fairy gold. That's what it is. Dead Sea fruit. Because it doesn't help me a damn towards scooping in Gertrude.'
'Is she an awfully nice girl?'
'An angel, Sue. No question about that. Quite the angel, absolutely.'
'Well, I do hope you will come out all right, Monty dear.' 'Thanks, old thing.'
'And I'm glad you didn't pine for me. I've felt guilty at times.'
'Oh, I pined. Oh, yes, certainly I pined . But you know how it is. One perks up and sees fresh faces. Tell me, Sue,' said Monty anxiously. 'I ought to be able to hold down that secretary job for a year, oughtn't I? I mean, people don't fire secretaries much, do they?'
'If Hugo could keep the place, I should think you ought to be able to. How are you on pigs ?' 'Pigs?'
'Lord Emsworth ...'
' Of course, yes, I remember now, Hugo told me. The old boy has gone porcine, has he not ? You mean you would advise me to suck up to his pig, this what's-its-name of Blandings, to omit no word or act to conciliate it? Thanks for the tip. I'll bear it in mind.' He beamed affectionately at her across the table, and went so far as to take her hand in his. 'You've cheered me up, young Sue. You always did, I remember. You've got one of those sunny temperaments which look on the bright side and never fail to spot the blue bird. As you say, if a chap like Hugo could hold the job, it ought to be a snip for a man of my gifts, especially if I show myself pig-conscious. I anticipate a pleasant and successful year, with a wedding at the end of it. By which time, I take it, you will be an old married woman. When do you and Ronnie plan to leap off the dock?'
'As soon as ever Lord Emsworth lets him have his money. He wants to buy a partnership in a motor business.' 'Any opposish from the family?'
'Well, I don't think Lady Constance is frightfully pleased about it all.'
'Possibly it slipped out by some chance that you had been in the chorus?' 'It was mentioned.'
'Ah, that would account for it. But
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